LOCK ON FOOD SOURCE VITAL TO STEADY DIET OF GOSSIP.

Byline: Celia Rivenbark Wilmington (N.C.) Morning Star

Long before Olympia Dukakis uttered those wonderful words in "Steel Magnolias," I said the very same thing: "If you can't say something good about somebody ... come sit by me."

Several years ago, a co-worker surprised me with a birthday gift of beautifully imprinted business cards that included my name and phone number, a tiny replica of a radio tower and the motto "Your business is my business - and everybody else's."

That said, it bothers me that gossip has gotten such a bad name over the years. Imagine my delight at a recent report that office gossips are at the top of the power structure because, simply said, information equals power, and power equals money.

Adele Scheele, Ph.D., a Los Angeles career strategist, has studied office gossips and deduced that being in the gossip loop is crucial to career success.

I know what you're thinking: "Hey, if you're so good at this, how come you aren't rich and famous 'stead of working the same job for the past 12 years?"

Hmmmm. That's a legitimate, if not a tad smart-alecky question, but let's just say I define success in less mundane terms than money and prestige and more in personal terms like how I broke the story about the affair between the cousin of the aunt of the guy who changes the oatmeal cookies in the office vending machine and the third cousin twice removed of the man who delivers the ink barrels.

Please, no applause.

Based on Scheele's findings, Mademoiselle magazine added its own ideas for how to become a good "gossip magnet." The magazine, devoured by many Gen-X aspiring gossipers, recommended keeping sweet treats on your desk in an attractive jar and making sure they're the kind that melt quickly, so folks will stay around for a while.

You want them to linger long enough to feel that sugar rush and unload a few secrets, advised Mademoiselle.

To this I say: "Phooey."

This candy business is for rank amateurs.

Ever since the first woman beat her husband's loincloth on a rock next to the lady from the next cave, gossip has been a valuable commodity, and you don't need to resort to Gummi Bears and Junior Mints as bait.