LITTLE LOVED ONES; HOSPITAL STAFF TRAINS TO HELP PARENTS WHO HAVE LOST A BABY.

Byline: Donna Huffaker Daily News Staff Writer

Stowed in a storeroom's drawer, white cotton dresses small enough for a doll are the tiniest example of how Glendale Memorial Hospital and Health Center helps parents deal with grief.

Since it opened in July, the hospital's Neonatal Intensive Care Unit has been implementing a bereavement sensitivity training program aimed at parents who have lost a baby. The doll-size gowns are something the hospital offers to help those parents through a life-altering experience, said Sheri Johnson, clinical nurse specialist for the unit and coordinator of the bereavement program for the women's center.

No one in that state of mind should have to worry about what clothes the deceased child will wear, she said.

``The loss of a child is the loss of a dream,'' said Cheryl Purvis, manager of the hospital's Neonatal Intensive Care Unit. ``You'll never teach that child to throw a baseball or ride a bike - but it's natural to mourn for what will never be.''

The hospital recently hosted the three-day National Perinatal Bereavement Conference at which health care workers were trained in ways to interact with families experiencing perinatal loss through miscarriage, stillbirth or newborn death. When a patient gives birth to a stillborn child or a baby dies shortly after it comes into the world, that mother and father need someone who knows how to help them through likely the worst time in their lives, Johnson said.

Although the subject of deceased infants is one no one wants to think about, it is a reality in ICUs, Johnson said.

Glendale Memorial Hospital staffers encourage several natural ways to mourn the loss of a child that might seem odd to people who have never had a miscarriage or delivered a stillborn baby.

But, Johnson said, once nurses suggest the option of taking pictures of the deceased child or giving it a bath, mothers and family members are often willing. They had wanted to do these things but thought others would see them as morose so they wouldn't even ask. Now it's offered - this is a long way from the days when mothers were expected to just ``get over it,'' she said.

The baby doesn't have to be outside the mother's body for her to have formed a bond with it, Purvis said. If the child dies after nine months, the mother needs a sense of closure.

``It's still a baby. Your first reaction is still to hold it. It's like your arms automatically reach out to it,'' said Johnson, who lost a baby of her own, twice.

Of course, there are times when mothers tell the nurses they don't want pictures for a baby scrapbook because they think the feelings of loss will go away. They don't go away and parents typically call the hospital months or years later asking for the photos - something the hospital keeps on file for this very reason, Johnson said.

Photographs or burial are the times the tiny white gowns come out of hospital storage.

Just because the nurses at Glendale Memorial have been trained in how to help others cope with grief, that doesn't mean they're hardened to an infant's death, said Kim Richards, a nurse and maternal newborn educator.

``We cry too. I don't think I've ever not cried,'' she said.

Glendale Memorial's staff also tells its parents of deceased children that they likely will grieve in different ways, Purvis said. If a mother is sobbing and a father does not shed a tear, that doesn't mean the father is indifferent to what's going on - a common misconception, she said. Men and women grieve in different ways.

If you don't know what to say to a parent or family member of a recently deceased child, it's better to say nothing than to assure, ``You can always have another one'' or ``Things happen for the best,'' Purvis said.

Losing a child is losing an entire lifetime you never had the chance to experience, she said. And while nurses at Glendale Memorial offer bereavement counseling to any patient in the hospital, it's the maternity ward and NICU where the training may be most beneficial.

``It's almost easier to say goodbye to someone you knew rather than someone you imagined,'' Purvis said.

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2 Photos

PHOTO (1) Glendale Memorial hospital keeps infant nightgowns like this, so parents who have lost their baby don't need to be concerned with burial clothing.

(2) Hospital staffers with bereavement training are, from left, Kim Richards, Sheri Johnson, Kathryn Konkel, Cheryl Purvis, Yvonne Gordon, and Luis Morales.

David Sprague/Daily News