LETTER FROM AL.

The Vice President Washington, D.C. May 9, 1999

Dear Rusty,

Once again, Tipper and I are not speaking.

It all goes back to the thing in Littleton. Tipper took the opportunity to remind everyone that ever since she stopped being concerned about filthy rock lyrics, she's been concerned about mental-health issues. So she unveils a set of warning signs for parents-things that they should be on the lookout for in their teenagers.

One of the ways that they diagnose potentially disturbed teens is by giving them a little questionnaire. So she makes me take this test-a "control," she calls it.

"Do you see yourself as a leader of a new and powerful movement?" she asks.

Well, what am I going to do? Lie? "Yes," I say. "Yes, I do." Tipper nods and writes my answer down. Next question: "Do you see yourself surrounded by people who want to hurt you?" Again, pretty clear answer: "Yes, especially Bill Bradley." She makes some more scratches. "Do you think people understand you?" Well, obviously they don't-I mean, I got all that flak for claiming to have created the Internet, when everyone knows that I didn't actually create the thing, when I know that I didn't create it, in the sense of actually putting the wires together and stuff. I meant to say that I had perfected it. It was a little thing, then I made it into a globe-transforming power. (Actually, in a way, I did create it.)

So I tell this to Tipper and she sort of looks at me funny, then writes some stuff down.

"Have you ever broken the law?"

So I tell her that technically, of course, I shouldn't have taken those envelopes of cash from those Buddhists, but upon reviewing the relevant statutes, it's not possible to conclude that I broke the law in the sense of breaking it. She writes some more things down.

"Do you find yourself listening to different music? Spending time with new people?"

Well, what can I say? Yes to both. She nods, then starts adding up my score.

"According to this test, Al," she says sadly, "you are a dangerous megalomaniac, a threat to yourself and your community. Your ability to reconcile your extremely high self-regard with your past actions is classic sociopathic behavior."

"What does that mean?" I ask.

"It means that if you took this test as a teenager in high school, you would probably be institutionalized."

"Whew!" I said. "It's a good thing I'm running for president."

We didn't talk any more about it until last week, when Tipper revealed on national television that she was taking anti-depressants.

"Good Lord, Tipper!" I shouted when I heard the news. "How about a little 'heads up' before you make an announcement like that!"

"I thought you knew," she said. "I told you months ago."

"I thought you said 'anti-oxidants.' Since when have you been depressed?"

"Ever since you claimed to have created the Internet," she answered glumly. "Ever since you told everyone that you saw combat in 'hot 'Nam.'"

"I was there!" I shouted.

"In a hotel!" she shouted back. "The only weapon they issued you was a typewriter!"

"That's not how I remember it, Tipper."

"I know, Al. That's the problem."

It's weird, Rusty. Bill and Hillary have so much to be depressed about- and they're both on their merry way. But let me ask you something: Do YOU think I'm a threat to myself and my community?

Your pal, Al