LET'S GET ALL THESE SECRETS OUT.

Byline: STEVE DILBECK

There are some tremendous advantages in having a high-profile, wallet- fattening, belly-swelling, incredibly sexy job like sportswriter.

Just as you've always suspected, we know secret stuff. Stuff we never actually put in the paper. It helps to elevate our station and enhance the illusion we actually know more than you.

Which is why we're all upset over this New York report of Shaquille O'Neal's hand signal to Lakers teammates not to pass to Kobe Bryant.

Really now, there are some things we're just entrusted to keep to ourselves. Like where to get a beer in Cincinnati across the river an hour after closing time.

But it's out there now, so what are you going to do? Our cover has been blown. And this being Christmas and all, I figure what the heck. Give a little.

The Blazers are returning to Staples Center today for the first time since their incredible fourth-quarter meltdown, which just preceded the incredible meltdown of black-and-whites.

That would be the scene of the NBA's most remarkable game last season. Perhaps you remember Game 7 of the Western Conference finals, when the Blazers blew a 15-point lead in the fourth quarter in a game that defied common sense.

Anyway, so it would seem unless you knew all the secret inside scoop, like those blabbermouth reporters in Manhattan.

The teams have already met twice before this season, splitting in Portland, so this rematch has lost a little glitz. If neither is exactly acting like King Kong in baggies, both have been playing better since some early struggles, and the feeling lingers that when this required regular season is kaput and we're deeply into the playoffs, we'll again be back to Lakers-Blazers.

So today, here are some clandestine things to watch for that will help explain what's about to happen. Like when Isaiah Rider comes down the floor and holds up all five fingers on his right hand, it will be a sure signal for how many times he'll be late next month.

Look for guard Ron Harper to do his Carol Burnett, yank-the-earlobe routine, which only means he is cooler than you. Because he is.

If O'Neal does that double-secret hand twitch at his right knee, this will not mean pass the ball into Kobe at your own risk, but he's acknowledging the record producer in the courtside seat and promising never to release another rap album.

Later O'Neal will spin on the floor in the breakdance move he picked up from that old guy in ``Cocoon'' in an obvious indication he is about to do circles around Arvydas ``My Feet Aren't Really Nailed to the Ground'' Sabonis.

When Kobe lifts the top of his jersey up to wipe sweat from his cheek, this will mean absolutely nothing, except he has odd habits, too.

Count on Phil Jackson standing up at some point in the fourth quarter and letting loose with one of those shrieking whistles of his, which is not designed to get the team's attention but to confuse Scottie Pippen and make him briefly forget who his current coach is.

On the other sideline, Mike Dunleavy will turn both palms upward and lift his head to the heavens, which means he'll be saying: ``Shawn Kemp. Shawn Kemp. Why did it have to be Shawn Kemp?''

At this point in the game, look for the greatest Laker Girl of all time, Gloria Rodriguez, to look back at press row and give me a serious wink. This actually won't happen, but it's my column.

At some point Kobe will take his right index finger and flick it next to his flared right nostril, which means he will now allow Rick Fox to take his one shot of the fourth quarter.

When Robert Horry looks to the bench and does that cryptic right eyebrow lift, it will secretly mean it's time for his nightly drive to the basket while everyone is busy draping themselves over Kobe and Shaq.

At this time, if the game is slipping away from the Blazers, expect Rasheed Wallace to go bonkers, absolutely lose it and get tossed from the game. There is no secret meaning here.

After the game, if you can sneak a peak down the entrance to the team dressing room and spot a pair of overly serious security guards opening two massive doors, this will signal owner Jerry Buss and entourage are entering and the hallway jiggle factor is about to be increased by 1,000 percent.

We could do this forever, but no doubt I'm already in enough trouble with my ink-stained wretched brethren, so I'll skip that special part for today about how the fat dude gets down the chimney.

Some secret stuff must remain that way. So enjoy your Lakers and all the intrigue today. Because they're not just a championship basketball team, they're great theater.

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Photo: When Kobe Bryant lifts his shirt to wipe his brow, will there be a secret meaning behind it for the Lakers?

Tom Mendoza/Staff Photographer