LADY MUCK; EXCLUSIVE DAILY Mirror BEST FOR REAL LIFE Wannabe Wag Nicola wears full make-up all the time..even in bed She won't open a car door, change a lightbulb or order her own food She insists boyfriend buys her pounds 300 shoes and pounds 1,000 handbags.
HER footballer boyfriend may only play for Peterborough, but wannabe WAG Nicola McLean is so high maintenance that even Wayne Rooney would need a second job to pay for her lifestyle.
The 25-year-old ex model would rather sleep in her make-up than let boyfriend Tommy Williams, 26, see her without her slap. Every morning she wakes first and tip-toes out of bed to reapply a fresh layer.
And Nicola doesn't even let a little thing like giving birth get in the way of her beauty regime. "Even when I was in labour I had my full face on, hair straightened and perfect nails. I'm so proud of that," she boasts.
Nor does Nicola let common sense get in the way of her opinions. Commenting on the parlous state of modern women, she says: "Letting yourself go is a sign of a lazy slob who doesn't care about herself or her man. No wonder one in three marriages fail."
And as for her role models, she aspires to be like Pamela Anderson, Jordan or Jessica Rabbit.
For some men, sharing a house with a woman who looks and smells like a make-up counter and would be off-putting.
But Tommy has been with Nicola for three years, they have a child together and live in a six-bedroom house in Wexham, Buckinghamshire.
In fact, Nicola is so proud of her high-maintenance credentials she has invited TV cameras into her home to prove she really is that demanding.
"I cannot even look at my nails if they're chipped," she shrieks, looking like she might vomit.
She refuses to take a driving lesson unless her acrylic nails are flawless - and perhaps unsurprisingly has failed her test seven times.
Mum to two-year-old Rocky, Nicola could never consider breast-feeding.
She explains: "I had my boobs increased from a 32C to a 32G so I didn't feed my baby because they'd go saggy and lose their sexiness.
"I wanted to keep my boobs for my boyfriend, know what I mean?"
So poor Tommy has his hands full - in both senses of the words - because whatever Nicola wants, Nicola gets.
EVEN if that means shelling out pounds 1,000 for another handbag to join her collection of 20 limited edition Louis Vuitton, Mulberry and Chloe creations.
And her pampered tootsies only feel comfortable in the pounds 300 Gina shoes Tommy buys her to add to the 30 pairs already lined up in her walk-in wardrobe.
The couple's flashy Bucks home may look perfect, but that's no thanks to Nicola - she never lifts a perfectly-manicured finger round the house.
She refuses to change a lightbulb and proudly says she has never done so in her life. "That's Tommy's job," she sniffs. "Me? Use a screwdriver? With these nails? No way."
Given the choice of sitting in the dark or flicking a switch on if the fuses went in the house, Nicola curls a glossy lip at the thought of doing anything for herself. "I'd rather sit in the dark - or go to a neighbour for help," she says.
And when asked if she'd ever change a car tyre, she pulls a face of abject horror and is actually rendered speechless.
Nicola's refusal to do anything that doesn't involve sitting in front of a mirror for three hours even extends to her social life.
Relinquishing the right to choose her own food, she even lets Tommy order for her in restaurants. She adds: "If my glass was empty and I wanted another one, I wouldn't ask the waiter. I'd say to Tommy, 'Babe? Catch someone's eye, please,' and he'd do it for me. It's not for me to do a job like that."
Nor does Nicola demean herself to phone for her own takeaway. "I'd never ever call a takeaway," she shudders. "If I have the girls over and we want to get some food, I call Tommy and ask him to do it.
"I've called him when he's at away games and he's even come out of nightclubs to call it in for me," she says.
Even after a hard day's football training, there's no respite for Tommy. When out together in the car, Nicola sits tight and waits for her long-suffering man to sprint around to the passenger side and open the door for her.
There's no doubt that Tommy's girlfriend looks as striking as top WAGs like Alex Curran and Coleen McLoughlin. But that's probably because she spends at least three hours a day getting ready, not to mention the numerous weekly visits to the beauty salon.
Nicola's three-hour regime starts with a long bath while Rocky is downstairs in his playroom.
She exfoliates her entire body and shaves her upper and lower legs, underarms and bikini line every day. The very thought of a missing out on her daily regime shocks Nicola to the very core of her fake-tanned body. She exclaims: "Let my minnie grow a millimetre too long? Never!"
After shaving, she tops up her tan, and then sets about the demanding task of choosing colours from her 100 bottles of nail polish and massive collection of Mac cosmetics.
AT pounds 10 for a single eyeshadow, she likes to match her outfit - which she changes up to four times daily.
Nicola is very proud of her long blonde mane and spends four hours in the salon every month getting her roots touched up. But she hates to get anything snipped off her locks.
"Oh my God, I am a nutter about getting my hair cut." she squeals. "If they cut even a quarter of an inch off my hair, I feel less feminine." However, Nicola is at pains to explain that she is no longer as high maintenance as she once was.
"My beauty regime has been scaled down since I had Rocky," she says. "I used to have three manicures a week and went to the salon every two days for a shampoo and blowdry. Now I wash and dry it myself.
"If only I could have a full-time make-up artist and hairdresser. But I'm not vain - that's a bit harsh."
So who are her female role models? "Jessica Rabbit," Nicola says, blinking through thick mascara. "I love her look - the hour-glass figure, big hair and massive boobs."
Erm, Jessica Rabbit is a cartoon character. "Oh?" she says, without a flush of embarrassment. "Well, she's who I like best. Other women I look up to are Pamela Anderson and Jordan."
And for all those women reading this without a full face of make-up, perfect nails, all-over tan and tended tresses, Nicola has a message for you.
"I hate those girls that let themselves go, let their boyfriends see them without make-up and don't put an effort in for their men. It's laziness to look so ugly. I have higher standards, and that's one reason why Tommy loves me."
How to be high maintenance..
NEVER ever let your man see you without make-up. I've never met a girl who didn't keep her face on the first time she slept with her boyfriend. Keep those high standards throughout your time together.
TRY not to feel guilty about the time you take getting ready. Think of it as investing time in your relationship - looking good means your bloke will still fancy you. Fix chipped nails immediately or you will look like a lazy slob.
DON'T do any men's jobs like changing lightbulbs, ordering food in restaurants, opening car doors or phoning for takeaways. It's not feminine.
SHAVE rather than wax your legs and other important bits. Waxing means letting your hair grow a little bit, and no man likes that. Get the razor out every day.
DON'T worry if people call you stupid or a bimbo. Once they say that, you've nothing to live up to so you can just carry on being happily high-maintenance.
HELP! I've Got A High Maintenance Wife, Five, Thursday, January 24, 10pm.
IMAGE CONSCIOUS: Her daily three hour make-up session; GLAMOUR: Back in her modelling days; SWEET: With long-suffering Tommy; CURL POWER: Nicola with her Alex Curran-style hair and, below, out on the town Pictures: ADAM SORENSON