Keep it real.

SO I GUESS IT STARTED with Bam, right? And then Rob & Big. And now Sheckler. And everybody seems to have some shitty little comment to make about this whole skateboarding reality show trend. Oh, don't get me wrong. I'm pissed too. But I'm pissed because I was positive that I was next in line for my own reality stardom. I recently submitted six awesome plot outlines for shows and although I hadn't heard anything back, I was completely shocked to find that Sheckler's show was chosen over any of my ideas. What were my ideas?

MIKE & 12

This show is loosely based on the Rob & Big formula. But instead of hanging out with a larger-than-life security guard, the show follows me as I spend my evenings hanging out with a 12-pack of Lone Star. And although the dialogue would probably lack the humor of Rob & Big, there would definitely be more moments where the main character (that's me) would stare into the bathroom mirror wondering where it all went so wrong (while lightly crying).

[ILLUSTRATION OMITTED]

MEDIOCRE MINI-MADNESS

If you are a regular reader of my column then you probably already know that I have a small mini-ramp in my backyard. If you don't regularly read this shit, then just reread that last sentence. This show is set in my backyard and it's an hourly weekly installment of completely mediocre mini-ramp action set to an upbeat contemporary Christian soundtrack. Basically lots and lots of 50-50s and rock to fakies. Occasionally the backside disaster might stop by for a quick hello. It seemed like this show could get a little boring after a few episodes so I thought maybe we could bring in a fugitive hobo heroin addict with a knife to live underneath the ramp to keep things fresh.

OUCH!!! THAT'S GOTTA HURT!!!

I was really hoping that this show wouldn't get picked. But I thought I should include it with my ideas since this sort of thing never ever gets old. So this show basically just consists of me sitting on the floor of my kitchen with a bottle of bleach and a hammer. I take the bleach and I pour some in my eyes. And then I take the hammer and I smack myself in the mouth. And then I take some bleach and I pour it in my eyes. And then I do the hammer thing again. This continues until I'm blind and toothless. The lack of a season two might have kept them from biting at this worm.

THE SKULL DRAWER

I thought this would be a good name for a show because we could write the title of the show in some kind of crazy Gothic letters and have lightning behind them and incorporate some sort of crumbling bloody skull graphic. And people would see that and think that the show was probably about a serial killer with a drawer in his house that was full of skulls or something really scary like that. But then they'd tune in and it would just be a solid hour of me sitting at a desk drawing skulls and listening to Belle & Sebastian. With a cardigan on and my hair parted really neatly.

SWEET 33

Have you seen that Sweet Sixteen show? About the prima-donna princesses throwing fits when their daddies buy them the wrong color Jaguar on their 16th birthdays? Well Sweet 33 is exactly like that except instead of a huge party with dancing and live entertainment and tons of extravagant gifts, it's just me and my friends getting drunk at the creek and then skating my mini-ramp. And then getting drunk again. Or still getting drunk? Sometimes it's sort of hard to tell. And instead of getting the keys to a brand new sports car, somebody hides the keys to my 1992 Honda Civic.

FARM HOUSE IN THE CITY

Basically the idea for this show was to just get a shitload of farm animals (pigs, donkeys, bears, etc) and release them in my house. And then I would try to live in the house with all of the animals. And it would be against the rules for me to ever acknowledge the fact that my house was infested with farm animals. If I ever addressed one of the animals or complained about the smell or the mess then I would be disemboweled on national television while wearing a three piece suit made out of fruit roll-ups.