Kaiser Permanente Psychologists Explain Red Hot Relationships: How to Defuse the Anger and Keep the Romance.

HAYWARD, Calif.--(BW HealthWire)--June 22, 1999--

"Anger begets anger, and most people don't have the skills to

rise above it and stop sabotaging their relationships"

- Shari Kirkland, PhD

If you're having communication problems with your spouse, power struggles with your supervisor, or intimacy problems with your lover, chances are anger is the underlying culprit.

Anger is an issue in many relationships, resulting in jealousy, possessiveness, ineffective communication, punitive behavior, "controlling" attitudes and even substance abuse, according to licensed psychologists Lorel Lindstrom, PhD, and Shari Kirkland, PhD, authors of the recently published book, Red Hot Relationships, How to Defuse the Anger and Keep the Romance. They also cite that anger is emerging as a risk factor that can significantly increase one's risk of heart disease -- the nation's leading killer.

Uncontrolled or mismanaged anger is the number one cause of divorce and all other types of estrangement. Domestic arguments that turn into physical fights account for more visits to the emergency room than auto accidents, muggings, and rapes combined.

So what's behind all this ire? A look into your past might reveal some clues, the psychologists say. If you were abused, maltreated, spoiled or neglected as a child, you may be bringing "leftover" anger into your relationship. For example, if you were abused, you most likely seek to control others, or if you were spoiled, you probably didn't learn how to deal well with minor disappointments or differences of opinion.

Or perhaps you had a rather normal childhood, but your parents were poor role models when it came to managing anger. "Anger begets anger, and most people don't have the skills to rise above it and stop sabotaging their relationships," said Kirkland, who added that there are many tools and techniques for improving strained relationships and dealing with anger.

"The first step is recognizing that irrational thoughts generally fuel or trigger anger, and that they must be replaced with more flexible thoughts," said Lindstrom. For example, if you find yourself angry because your partner doesn't let you know where they are and what they're doing every single minute of the day, step back and take a minute to reflect. Try to figure out if something else is going on, such as you're worried that they're keeping something from you and can't be trusted. Question whether that's really logical, then try to replace an irrational demand with a rational preference. In this case try thinking, "I like it when he tells me about his day, but I can wait until I see him to hear what he's been up to; and if he doesn't tell me everything, that's okay too. I don't necessarily tell him everything I do."

While ridding yourself of irrational thoughts is the long-term solution for managing anger, there are also some shorter-term, healthy techniques for dealing with anger symptoms. They include self-soothing techniques that help people feel better when they're angry or otherwise distressed, and distraction techniques, which focus on mental rather than physical outlets for discharging anger.

Self-Soothing Techniques:

Exercise -- Bicycling, running, swimming and other aerobic activities help your body produce endorphins, which are chemicals that improve mood. Time Out -- Calm down by physically removing yourself from situations that stimulate irrational thoughts. Blowing Off Steam -- Scream into a pillow, beat your bed or wax your car or floor!

Distraction Techniques: Meditation Yoga Deep breathing Prayer Hobbies Chores Reading Journal writing Talking with a friend Listening to calming music Watching a movie

Books such as Red Hot Relationships offer many tools for defusing anger. But if you need more help, be sure to seek assistance from a psychologist, member of the clergy, or social service agency.

The rewards for controlling anger are great, according to Lindstrom and Kirkland. "Emotional control can enhance your family relationships, but the serenity and rationality you achieve also tends to carry over and improve other aspects of your life as well, whether it is with friends, at the office, on the tennis court, or on the freeway," said Kirkland.

Red Hot Relationships is published by New Horizon Press.

Anger Experts Lindstrom and Kirkland

Drs. Lindstrom and Kirkland have 35 combined years of experience in the area of psychology. Lorel Lindstrom, PhD has been licensed to practice in five states and is a staff psychologist at the Kaiser Permanente Medical Center in Hayward, California. He has led an anger management group for the last nine years, and serves as a psychological examiner on the state of California's Professional Licensing Board.

Shari Kirkland, PhD is a staff psychologist at the Kaiser Permanente Hayward Medical Offices in Hayward, California. She has worked at Wimot State Prison, Santa Rita Jail and the Pima County Psychiatric Hospital, where problems with severe anger are routine. Dr. Kirkland also served as the assistant division chief of adult psychiatric services at Kaiser Permanente Hayward, and has made television appearances discussing the topic of anger on The View, Montel, and other shows.

Kaiser Permanente, California is a prepaid, group practice health maintenance organization (HMO) serving more than 5.5 million members throughout the state. More than 7,000 Permanente medical group physicians in both The Permanente Medical Group (TPMG) in Northern California and the Southern California Permanente Medical Group (SCPMG), as well as 55,300 Kaiser Foundation Health Plan and Hospitals employees, provide care to Health Plan members. There are 28 major medical centers organized into 12 service areas throughout California.

WWW.CA.KAISERPERMANENTE.ORG 021-99