KIDS SNEAK PEEK NAVIGATING THE PATH OF GRIEF.

Byline: - Nancy Hewitt

When they should be enjoying a carefree childhood, many young children may experience a loss of some sort.

It could be the loss of a pet, moving away from a best friend, parents divorcing, or the death of a close relative.

All children grieve, but most parents are ill-equipped to deal with their children's grief. This is the consensus of John W. James, Russell Friedman and Dr. Leslie Landon Matthews, co-authors of the book ``When Children Grieve.''

This book was written to teach parents how to help their children resolve grief. For the most part, parents do not know how to deal with loss because they were never taught how.

``It's a book for parents,'' says James. ``It lays out for parents what to say, when to say it. What to do, when to do it. When your heart is broken, this is the manual to teach you how to fix it.''

Friedman adds: ``This is an essential book. Ours is an action program, not a talking program. Fixing a heart involves an action.''

And these authors want to help kids ``one heart at a time.''

Throughout the book are discussions of the six myths about grief. Expressions such as ``don't feel bad,'' ``replace the loss,'' ``grieve alone,'' ``be strong for others,'' ``it just takes time'' and ``keep busy'' are the wrong things to say to anyone grieving - especially when it's a young child.

`` 'Don't feel bad' is confusing to these kids. It doesn't make sense to the way they're feeling,'' says Matthews.

``When Children Grieve'' is following in the footsteps of James and Friedman's first book, ``The Grief Recovery Handbook: The Action Program for Moving Beyond Death, Divorce and Other Losses,'' which is based on their seminars at the Grief Recovery Institute in Sherman Oaks.

However, in the preparation of ``When Children Grieve,'' they have added the expertise of Matthews, who 10 years ago took one of their seminars to resolve her own grief after the death of her father, actor Michael Landon. She subsequently completed her doctorate in psychology and became certified by the Grief Recovery Institute.

The three authors are in total agreement that the issue of children's grief needs to be addressed.

``The first major loss for a child is the loss of a pet,'' says Friedman. ``Many parents say, 'We'll get a new pet this weekend.' ''

Or, says Matthews, ``We take the kids out to the store and buy them a toy. It doesn't do anything. It's just a quick fix.''

Pacifying youngsters with gifts or food leads to other problems, and that's not what the child needs.

``Be open to what they feel,'' Friedman says. ``Listen with your heart, not your head. (And remember) grief is an emotional issue, not an intellectual issue.''

Matthews agrees: ``Be patient with how your child is expressing himself. Practice expressing yourself. When he sees what you are doing, he will do it, too.''

James also agrees that parents should share their feelings with their child. ``You can say to your child, 'I miss grandma,' '' he says. ``It's a signal that it's OK for your child to talk about the loss.''

For parents concerned that their children may not have finished the grieving process, there are several behaviors they might notice: a child may have trouble concentrating, his eating habits may change, and he may become depressed or emotionally isolated.

The book retails for $24. James, Friedman and Matthews will be doing book signings over the summer: 2 p.m. Saturday at Bookstar, 12136 Ventura Blvd., Studio City [phone]; 7:30 p.m. July 12, Barnes & Noble, 16461 Ventura Blvd., Encino [phone]; July 17, Bookstar, 100 N. La Cienega Blvd., Los Angeles [phone]; and 1 p.m. Aug. 4, Brentano's, Sherman Oaks Fashion Square [phone].