KIDS' FRIENDSHIPS SIMPLE AS CHILD'S PLAY - SORT OF.

Byline: Gail Stewart Hand Knight-Ridder Tribune News Wire

Most kids make friends easily enough. They have the usual spats and quarrels but learn how to make up and go on.

A few children are social disasters, disliked by other children and adults. Sometimes, they are disagreeable because of their in-born cranky temperament. Sometimes, they have a negative worldview. They don't see inquiries as friendly, they don't recognize when they're being complimented. They may not know how to join a game or start a conversation.

Parents can do something about a child's social problems, according to Dr. Fred Frankel of UCLA, who runs a program to teach parents and children how to help their children be competent and to deal with teasing, bullying, meanness and stormy relationships.

In his book, `` Good Friends Are Hard to Find,'' Frankel points to typical reasons that children fail at friendships. It may be that they have hobbies that discourage other children from getting close. Or they may be withdrawn and find it hard to join in. Sometimes, it's as much the parents' doing as the child's shortcomings.

He urges parents to consider whether their children are so overscheduled that they don't have time to make friends. Grown-ups are notorious for mistaking group activities as chances to form friendships. It's when children play one-on-one that they develop relationships, according to Frankel, in a telephone interview. Sports, teams and Scouts are no substitute. Well-intentioned parents mistake being busy for having friends.

For a socially inept child, start out slowly. Think who might be available to play with your child. Don't opt for the most popular child in the kiddy circle. Often, children's popularity is based on looks or athletic ability, both of which are unrelated to how good a friend they may be. And because they are popular, they may not be available to play.

Instead, invite a nice child for a 90-minute play date in your home. Arrange play dates with other children, and see how they work out. If one child especially clicks with yours, include him or her more often, so the friendship can bloom.

``Start out small,'' Frankel said. ``A typical mistake is scheduling the first play date too long. The children run out of things to do, and they may not have something established between the two of them. Have them wanting more time together rather than letting them play too long. Then, the child feels, `I've seen him enough for a month.' ''

Just like adults, children have relationships that vary in depth and intensity. The overbooked child is apt to have lots of acquaintances. Others may play with friends of convenience, such as relatives or the offspring of the parents' friends. Frankel points to his own family: ``If the kids don't like each other, and they're real young, you can't expect them to get along. But you can come to expect civility. Our son's in this situation, and we say, `You don't have to play with this boy, but be polite; just be nice to him.' ''

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Photo: Just like adults, children have relationships that vary in depth and intensity. The overbooked child is apt to have lots of acquaintances. Others may play with friends of convenience, such as relatives.