Justice in Microsoft Case Requires Creative Thinking.

Now that Microsoft has been declared a monopoly, our federal courts must address the most pressing question raised by the landmark antitrust case against the world's most powerful software company.

Namely, what in the world are .dll files? And why does my computer keep losing them?

OK, so maybe that isn't what the court case is really about. When Judge Thomas Penfield Jackson declared that Microsoft Windows has monopolized the PC operating system market, analysts began wondering what might happen if the judge concludes the company has illegally wielded that power.

Will Microsoft be broken up into Micro-Microsofts? Will it allow other companies to sell their own versions of Windows? Or will the court do nothing at all, fearful that Microsoft will somehow sabotage court employees' computers in retaliation?

These proposals, though, are designed to resolve problems raised by lawyers, not consumers. We computer users aren't annoyed by Microsoft products because they violate some ancient antitrust laws. We're peeved because we can't seem to get our PCs working correctly, and it must be Bill Gates' fault.

That's why I thought it prudent to suggest more useful resolutions to Microsoft's trial. While these proposals might not be what hoitytoity federal judges would call "legal," they'd go a long way toward addressing the problems most computer users have with Microsoft. Or, if not, at least they'd be fun to watch unfold.

Before we start, one note. Due to the Supreme Court's recent decision in Roadrunner vs. Acme Products Inc., Gates cannot be pushed off a towering cliff, strapped to a rocket, or tricked into trying to run through a tunnel that is, in fact, a black circle painted onto the side of a mountain.

* Force Microsoft employees to work on old 486 computers or first-generation Pentiums. Sure, this might seem cruel. But the sad truth is that many people who use Microsoft products don't have the cash to buy a new PC every time the company releases new, more bloated Versions of its software.

If Microsoft programmers worked on the same crappy computers used by newspaper columnists, they'd be compelled to write tighter, simpler code that loaded fast and ran smooth. Meanwhile, the company could use the money it saved on hardware to provide a proper funeral for that damn talking paper clip that haunts my Microsoft Office applications.

* Break up the company. But instead of leaving just two or three subsidiaries, create hundreds - one for every Microsoft product.

Each company could adopt a lovable mascot and fight for dominance in the marketplace as well as in trading cards, children's cartoons, fast-food toys and video games. Older computer users might be confused, but the kids would love it. You could call them E Pokesoft.

* Don't just allow innovation, require it. Bill Gates told Time magazine he'd accept any resolution that allows the company to "innovate Windows." Fair enough.

The company can add any new features it pleases, with one caveat: They must be original. Microsoft has built its empire around ideas cribbed from other companies, from the Web browser to the graphic interface itself. Let's see what sort of innovations emerge if Microsoft has to think for itself.

* Take away the free drinks Microsoft provides for its employees. All that soda compels programmers to walk away from their code at key junctures for frequent bathroom breaks.

This ruins their concentration and undermines the sort of long-range thinking that could avoid mistakes like the "Bob" operating system. Remember "Bob"? It's OK - neither does anyone else.

* Nationalize Windows. As long as everybody has to use the same operating system, it might as well be a government program.

Congress could vote on features; the president's picture could appear on the start-up screen; and the FBI could build surveillance right into the source code. If you think it's tough to compete with Microsoft now, just wait 'til the Pentagon takes over marketing.

Watch out, Sun - there's a nuke headed your way.

* Allow the company to integrate Internet Explorer with Windows, but make Gates stop writing books.

Sure, Microsoft will get, away with abusing its monopoly over the operating system market But at least our bookstores will be safe from Gates' painful prose.

* Go to jail. Go directly to jail. Do not pass go, do not collect $90 every time somebody buys a PC. It is a Monopoly, after all.

These are just a few possible solutions the lawyer-types aren't likely to consider.