Join the game: 'My Ex-Broker' offers risk managers a tongue-in-cheek way to kiss their worries good-bye.

It seems as if there is a new recreational game among some insurance buyers. It is called "Broker ...You're Fired." I do realize that this industry-wide game has been going on for years but it seems to have reached a pinnacle as of late.

I am not referring to brokers or agents that a risk-management professional may inherit, but then the professional moves the business to a broker who possesses more expertise or better markets, or to brokers who are let go due to malfeasance, illegal operations or poor service.

I am referring to the broker who gets dumped because the premium quotes were too high or the market was getting harder for that particular line of business or simply at the whim of the insured.

So in order to join in the complicated game, I have developed a new product called "My Ex-Broker," which is sure to delight you at the expense of your ex-brokers. My marketing approach to the risk-management community goes something like this:

As a risk manager, have you ever been to a social gathering and found that you didn't have enough to say? Have you ever been in the middle of a bustling RIMS reception and found yourself stymied for clever conversation? Well, you can kiss your worries good-bye. For a limited time only we have an offer that is just too good for you to pass up. On sale is our new version of "My Ex-Broker."

If you purchase the game now you will discover that you are never at a lack for words when your colleagues are taking verbal potshots at their brokers. You will always be talking about "them" and never growing tired of repeating the same conversation to anyone who is willing to listen. Some possible topics might include how much you personally dislike "that ex-brokerage firm," how thrilled you would be if their company was under indictment, how gleeful you are when one of their star producers jumps ship to another brokerage house and whether their E&O will pay for all of the things that went wrong. None of which was your fault.

Further, you never have to feel guilty about the miserable loss history you have achieved. When the boss calls you into the office, you can say with a blank face, "It was our ex-broker that made this mess and I fired them."

And to show you just how tremendous this offer is, we also promise you lifetime guarantees:

* Lifetime interference from your ex-broker.

Your ex-broker will always try to one-up you. Any time you are out at the local golf course with your new broker, your ex-broker will show up with a new client. This will, in your mind, be done purposely to show you up.

* Lifetime rage at a broker you do not even have for your business.

This is a value on which you cannot put a price tag. It means that any new broker you get need never be the focus of your general dislike for brokers. Yes, folks, we promise if you supply the anger, your ex-broker will be the channel for it.

* Lifetime comparison between your new broker and your ex-broker.

Who is delivering better service? Whose fees are better? Which account executive is more neurotic? If you can come out ahead, you win the distinct honor of benefiting most from the separation.

Also, to make absolutely sure that you are getting the most from your newly acquired "My Ex-Broker" product, we will include a handy-dandy instruction manual that coaches you on how to use your "ex-broker" to train your new broker. For example, your new broker says to you, "Your deductibles look awfully high." At that moment do not waste any time. Immediately lose your temper. In no uncertain terms, inform your current broker that your ex-broker used to make those same kinds of remarks and that they were not appreciated.

Cry, if you can. Say that your ex-broker always was making fun of you and your deductibles. Overreacting and showing your new broker that your ex-broker was not part of your team will assure that from now on the new broker will never raise the issue of deductibles again.

So don't wait. Act now. Call our toll-free number and take advantage of this great opportunity to have your very own "My Ex-Broker." Supplies are limited, so don't let your risk-management colleagues be the only ones to own the new "Ex-Broker." If you act now, we will even sweeten the deal by throwing in our newest recreational product "My Ex-Carrier." We offer one easy payment plan. Buy now and pay for it for the rest of your career.

Lance Ewing, a Best's Review columnist, is vice president, risk management, for Harrah's Entertainment. He can be reached at [e-mail].