Jaws XIV - a shark-eating man.

Jaws XIV--A Shark-Eating Man

THAT RECORD-BREAKING great white shark caught off the coast of Montauk, New York, a while back could have been a friend of Elmer, a great white shark with an even greater heart, if Jaws XIV was being filmed.

In the film, though, he wouldn't have been caught by fishermen. He would have been killed by a shark-eating man.

It is not generally known that, after the phenomenal success of Jaws several years ago, the National Association of Beach Resort Owners were worried to death when they heard that Jaws II was being made.

"We were just getting a few brave souls to go wading again and they do this to us,' complained the association's bitter president, Henry Littlefinger, at the time. "Sure, there's a couple of bad fish in every barrel. But is that any reason to put the bum rap on every decent, friendly, fun-loving shark in the sea?'

As Jaws III, IV, V, and so on followed in the series, the association decided it was time to take action. So they approached Miracle Brothers ("If It's a Good Picture, It's a Miracle!') to present the other side of the picture in Jaws XIV--the story of a shark-eating man.

The hero, as we say, is Elmer, the great white shark with an even greater heart. As the movie opens, Elmer is worriedly following Sweetbread Monroe, a curvaceous blonde who is a knockout on water skis. He is worried she will knock herself out on the low bridge ahead. She does.

Quick as a flash, Elmer clasps her tenderly in his mighty jaws and drags her up onto the beach, where he gives her mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Overnight, Elmer becomes a national tourist attraction. The little town of Great White Beach by the Beautiful Sea prospers. More sharks come to frisk and gambol in the tourist-infested waters. Then tragedy strikes!

We see a black snorkel cleaving the dark water. And suddenly there is a brief, bloody furor.

The next morning the mangled body of an innocent shark is found on the beach.

"There's a shark-eating man out there somewhere, mayor,' says the police chief grimly. "You've got to issue a warning.'

"What! And scare all the sharks away? This town will die without those tourist attractions.'

So Elmer swims unconcernedly about, not knowing that a deadly shark-eater lurks in the area.

And so one day--crunch! Sharp, cruel teeth tear into his flesh. Wounded, hurt, and deeply offended, Elmer nevertheless puts up a gallant struggle and manages with the help of the police chief to capture the blood-crazed sharkeater --who turns out to be a berserk Hollywood producer with great black teeth.

Elmer recovers from his manbite, though, and, with his great heart, he shows no animosity toward humans and continues to frolic happily with the tourists. "Even a shark knows,' the smiling police chief points out, "that one swallow does not a summer ruin.'

President Littlefinger said at the time that he felt Jaws XIV should go a long way toward restoring a balanced outlook on beach vacations. Asked if he felt the plot was believable, he became indignant. "A hell of a lot more people eat fish,' he said angrily, "than vice versa.'

But apparently that reasoning wasn't enough. Jaws XIV, alas, was never made.