It's good for the gays.

When discussing any political matter, my friend Leslie's grandmother Sophie always asked, "Is To it good for the Jews?" The clarifying nature of the question was lost on my own grandmother, Mary Monica Monahan Moore, who was off saving civilization. But it's not lost on me, especially concerning the most recent Whatevergate. I ask, "Is it good for the gays?" And I answer, to paraphrase good golly Miss Molly Bloom, "Yes. Yes. Yes."

First, FYI, the debate du jour raging in coastal urban gay communities and a small suburb of Chicago is between the normal-hearted Larry Kramer and Michael Warner (no relation to Time Warner). The Kramerites say that gay men must be monogamous, married, and better behaved. Additionally, in a New York Times op-ed piece, not titled "Deconstructing Larry," Kramer decries the silence of the lesbians, whom he thinks should be monitoring gay men's sexual lives. Meanwhile, the Warner Brothers say that gay men must not be restricted in their sexual activity by considerations of marriage, monogamy, or even health risks. They call their group "Sex Panic," they mouth solidarity with women, and then they hog the microphone. It's a boys' schoolyard brawl, pitting the Hair Shirts against the Foreskins.

The real sex panic was big enough to knock Pope J.P.'s Cuban tour to the lower left of the page. Crazy enough to make Ted Kaczynski look like a sane man, only with bad grooming. And slimy enough to make the Super Bowl a sideshow. Big. The net effect of Whatevergate is to contextualize Gay Sex Panic into the larger Straight Sex Panic. That's the first yes.

Second yes: After my one hour and fifteen minute Double Entendre Watch of the Straight of the Union Address (was that "fiscal" or "physical" discipline?), it's clear that President pro tem Bill Clinton loves his job and often does it well. (OK, OK--think four years of Bob Dole teamed with Jack Kemp and the now lean and mean, third in line, "I don't wanna stand up" Speaker Gingrich and try to imagine any initiatives on race, education, or the tobacco companies.) Whatever his peckerdilloes, Clinton can do job.

The distinction between job performance and sexual performance that Clinton is unintentionally making is good for the gays. Take note, America Online, which feels perfectly comfortable revealing your sexual orientation. (There's a job for Linda Tripp, if she beats the entripment and illegal wiretrapping rap.) Just ask Timothy McVeigh, the Good One, a Navy man dismissed from the service, even though he has excellent job ratings and references, because AOL turned over its files on him.

Third yes: As the target of a permanent standing witch hunt, President Clinton knows the temptation to lie and get others to lie about his sexual activities. The Starr Chamber blows the lid off the containment strategies ("We just put it in a box to the side and try to go on") he and Hillary have perfected over the years. So does former FOB Dick Morris, who went in for lesbian-baiting on MSNBC, saying if Hillary weren't gay, Bill wouldn't stray.

Welcome to the wonderful world of the closet, with its half-truths, fears, and conspiracies. How do you heterosexuals like it?

In defending my brother Bill, I have become my mother. For some reason she never explained, she loved Richard Nixon. During the summer of the Watergate hearings, she ironed in the cool basement and listened to the radio. She could not believe that Nixon had done anything to subvert the democracy. Every revelation of misconduct froze her. That summer, my father tried to hide the triangular scorch marks on his white shirts, but finally switched to polyester.

Kate "I'm wearing a wire" Clinton is a humorist.