Intimacy 101 for teens.

Six months after he began his job as a youth minister at the advanced age of 23, a high-school sophomore walked into Bob Bartlett's office and started crying. It turned out that she had gotten drunk at a wedding and someone had coaxed her into a closet and raped her. She could not remember who it was. Bartlett got her to a doctor and got her help for her chemical dependency. He hoped fervently that this would be his first and last encounter with a teenage sexuality crisis. He was dreaming.

So many kids with problems came to Bartlett's door that he finally went back to school to get a degree in counseling, specializing in human sexuality. Today he is a campus minister at the Academy of the Holy Angels in Minneapolis, where he also teaches classes in sexuality. He speaks to teens all over the country (and their parents, when he can get them) about sexuality, intimacy, and the Catholic Church's healthy perspective on both. "The church insists sex must be an expression of love and commitment, not something to be exploited or indulged," Bartlett says of a stance that he sees as "prophetic and countercultural." Bartlett is the author of Growing Toward Intimacy (Good Ground Press, 1997), a how-to book for teens about healthy relationships.

The editors interview Bob Bartlett 

What do teens need to know from their parents about sex?

Kids need to know that their parents are approachable. I never would have talked to my parents about sex, for example, because it was very clear to me they could not talk about it. Kids also need to know that they can be forgiven. They need to know that whatever happens, their parents will still be there to support them, even if they are angry. I tell parents, if you find out that your teenager is involved in sexual activity, you have a right to be angry and hurt, and your kids need to see that. Be honest about it. But kids need to know that they're not going to be kicked out of the house, that there's not going to be a Cold War for a month.

Take a look at Jesus' approach: Jesus was very forgiving of people he encountered who had been sexual. Parents need to offer forgiveness, but they also should be blunt about their concern for the child. By this I don't mean scaring the daylights out of them by saying, "You're going to get AIDS!" Of course that's a reality, but I hate it when people use that as their primary caution. And I don't mean a concern that says, "Oh, you lost your virginity, you sinned, oh my God." If you come at this with a shaming attitude, then you've cut off communication.

Here's an example. I once gave a talk on intimacy to teens, and the parish priest was to follow me with his own remarks. I try to speak primarily to the kids who I think are at risk for getting involved sexually. But I also said, "Now if you've already been sexually involved and you're sitting here listening to this, you are still in this conversation." I tried to offer some help for the kids who were already sexually involved about how to step back, how to recommit themselves to a vision of sexuality that makes sense to them.

When I was finished, the priest said, "Yeah, I really liked what our speaker said. You know, girls, nobody wants a used car." That was exactly what I was trying to avoid. If I were a kid in that room, no way would I share anything with that priest or anyone else after hearing that. Shaming cuts off the communication.

I tell parents, if your kids know they can come to you, what an honor and blessing you're giving them. You're doing your kid a huge favor if they know that you're approachable, whether they ever discuss their sexuality with you or not. And if the kid does want to talk, parents can help them by asking questions like, "What do you want out of sexuality? What do you want out of relationships? Will you recommit yourself to what you want here?" When kids have experienced being truly loved by their family, it's amazing how much they can grow.

Many parents have a hard time navigating between holding firm to their beliefs and being approachable. How do you hold firm to your beliefs and yet not shut off the conversation?

State what you believe. Say things like, "I want you to know I don't like what you did, and here's why. Here's where I think you can go wrong, here's where you can get hurt or hurt the person you say you love." If you can state these things, that's the faithfulness of God speaking through you.

You can call your kids to holiness, to sacredness, not just because the church says so, but because you believe it, because you want sex to be special for your kids, you want them to know its beauty. Kids have heard the Commandments; they've heard the don'ts. I try to come at it a different way and give them some of the Beatitudes. I want to sell them on the positives, not the negatives. When I talk to my kids, I say our sexuality is a passionate, creative energy, an erotic energy that makes us male and female. It's a wonderful thing--how do you want to use it? You can hurt people with it. You can hurt yourself with it.

Parents need to show their faithfulness and say, "Here's what we believe," or "I don't like what you're doing." Don't nag, just hold the mirror up. You're faithful not because you'll win, not because it will turn them around, but because it's good and right and holy and it's truth. Hold it up.

The prodigal son came home. Why did he come home? Because there was something loving and life-giving there. If his father had said, "Get the hell out of here, and don't ever come back," would that son have come home? Today if a parent says, "Stay out of our house if you're going to go out and disgrace us by having sex," that kid is not likely to come home either.

Everyone's journey is different, and we parents really have no control over that. I don't like the fact that I can tell a kid not to get involved in sex, but he might do it anyway, and that can lead to his conversion. I don't understand why some people, like Saint Augustine, get to have the kind of sex life that becomes the source of their conversion. They become very powerful people because of it. I didn't have that experience.

But I think as parents our job is to hold up the truth, to call our kids to the things we believe. We may not win, and it may be five or six or seven years down the road before our kids realize the truth that we were holding up.

Some parents feel like hypocrites preaching abstinence until marriage when in fact they were sexually active themselves before marriage. Should parents be honest about their own experiences?

I would never just start telling your kids your life history right off the bat--I think that's usually inappropriate. I do think you should be careful about being a hypocrite, and parents can use their own experience in a way that can help their teens.

For example, if you think your child is likely to become sexually active or already has, you can use your own experience to say, "I'm not happy with what I did. I don't think it was good for me, and I think you have to look carefully at what you're doing." You can use your own life in a pastoral way to point out the traps and land mines in early sexual involvement without having to tell your kids the details of your own story. But to give your kids too much personal information and blow them away with horror stories is not caring or respectful.

Don't many parents still shrink from talking to their kids about sex or feel inadequate about it?

Of course. When I talk to teenagers, I always invite the parents, too. I love it when they can hear the same things I'm telling their kids. A lot of parishes ask me to come back and talk just to the parents. Parents need to hear the good news about sex and intimacy from the pulpit, from parish adult education, and from religious magazines like this one.

Our church isn't doing the work it needs to do with our adults, so no wonder our children are suffering. There's still a stigma attached to the topic of sex and intimacy. If a parish offers a series on intimacy for parents, people worry about walking in there with their spouse. Won't it imply they're having a problem in their relationship?

What's the best approach to talking with your kids about sex?

Make it a dialogue, not a debate. The majority of teens I work with are aware of what their parents and their church teach about sexuality. Parents should also share their fears, their hurt, and their disappointments. Honesty is crucial. There will be anger and conflict on both sides. It will be messy.

The task of parents is to "fight" with their kids. I don't mean physically, but fight for what you believe. Fight because you love them, care about them, and can't stand to see them self-destruct. But it's not about winning. It's about faithfulness. If what you say to them is life-giving and has integrity, you never know when conversion may happen. Jesus invited, he did not control. Parenting, like faithfulness, is long term. You may lose short term.

Listen to your guts, and don't panic. Kids are going to ask questions about this, just as they do about everything else. Ask them why they are asking and what they want to know. That helps immensely. You don't need a book. If your second grader asks you about certain body parts, answer him. What an honor that they're asking you. Tell them about their bodies and how they work, how wonderful they are, and how their body is beautiful and sacred. Most second graders don't need a fullblown explanation of AIDS. Don't tell them more than they need to know. They're usually very matter of fact, and we think they're asking more than they really are.

I'll never forget the time my fifth-grade son asked me and my wife, "How many times have you done it?" My wife is looking at me with this look that says, "OK, so you're the expert, let's see what you do with this." But then she sees, to her horror, that I'm beginning to multiply in my head. She asks our son, "How many times do you think we've done it?" And he says, "Three, because you've got three kids." She says, "Well, sometimes you have sex and you end up with a baby and sometimes you don't." Then he went back to his dinner, and that was all that was worrying him.

Later she corners me in the kitchen and says, "You weren't really going to tell him how many times, were you?" I lied in my own defense, of course. But that's a classic example of how I was going to tell him more than he needed to know.

Do you use the example of Jesus in your work with teens?

When I teach sexuality to teens, I like to start off with a gospel passage and ask, What does this say about intimacy? Let's look at the story of the woman caught in adultery, for example. She's about to get stoned to death, and the Son of God picks her up and says, "No one condemns you, neither do I. Go and sin no more." What would that do to you? Notice that the man she had sex with is nowhere in sight, but here's Jesus forgiving her.

It helps kids to see how intimacy is connected to forgiveness. The gospel stories are wonderful for seeing how Jesus was incredibly intimate with people--and the more intimate you are, the less sex is an issue. Sex isn't a way to create intimacy; it's a celebration of what's already there. I'd love for kids to see sex as a celebration of a wonderful, intimate commitment you have, not a requirement of getting to know someone.

So what kids are really searching for in sex is intimacy?

I began to realize this after spending a lot of hours with kids who got sexually involved and felt devastated about what happened to them. I realized that they were looking for something that was good and holy. They just didn't do it the right way. They were after intimacy, but they tried to take the shortcut of sex. They tried for the instant gratification, which our society is so good at, and they found it didn't get them what they wanted. I'd hear things like, "I screwed up relationships, I hurt people, I got used."

They were looking for someone to connect with, and our society says if you have sex, you have intimacy. My job is to help them see that sex is one small part of it--a very small part. Are you connecting emotionally, psychologically, mentally, spiritually? Until you're clicking in all those areas, you don't have real intimacy. Their job as kids is to learn how to connect in all those ways, but instead all they're learning about is sex. When you know about sex but not intimacy, then your sex is a facade, a game.

I ask them, how many hours per week do you think the average married couple engages in sex? At first there's dead silence, and then usually some guy will come out with "100 hours." Other guys will guess 80 or 70, and the girls will chime in with 10. Some kids will say, "Zero--talk to my parents, man. They're not doing it." Finally I reveal that the average is 2 1/2 hours, and I say, "I hope you've got a lot more than sex going for you, because otherwise it's going to be a long week. If you can't laugh together, cry together, if you can't just talk together, if you don't have a friend that you're coming home to, it's not going to be much fun."

Why is intimacy so difficult for kids?

First of all, they are scared of being hurt, and second, they have no idea how to be intimate. It takes vulnerability, and high-school boys are not taught to be vulnerable. Intimacy is connected to spirituality. You have to let go of your control to be truly intimate with someone, and that's scary. It's a long-term process, and it doesn't work well in the short term. A lot of kids learn to say sweet lines: "I'm going to your violin concert tonight, even though I hate violin." When it doesn't get them what they want, which is instant-gratification sex, they say, "This isn't working." Nobody's teaching them how to be intimate. Sometimes their parents aren't in a good relationship, so there's no modeling of intimacy. Or they might see their mom or dad being abused, and they learn that's how to treat people.

Teens are very intense about their friendships, so that's one place I start with them. I tell them, your intimacy in dating is no different from friendship; your ability to be a friend is your ability to be intimate. Intimacy means being honest with someone who's an equal to you, who can take you on and say, "I didn't like what you did there." How can you ever have intimacy if you won't go out with someone strong enough to create that kind of give-and-take?

I've seen senior guys in high school who always go out with freshmen girls. I'll ask them, "Why don't you go out with an equal? Why don't you go out with somebody who mentally, physically, and emotionally can stand toe-to-toe with you? What are you afraid of?" They'll say, "What do you mean, afraid?" And I'll say, "Afraid of intimacy, afraid of someone who's an equal to you. You chose someone you knew couldn't be at your level, and then you call her stupid."

The use of alcohol and drugs is another block to intimacy. When kids don't know what to do with their feelings, they medicate them with drugs and alcohol. When this happens at a party, they're putting themselves at risk for sex, too. I work at a Catholic high school, and I know of 15 girls from that school last year who were raped when they were drunk at parties. Some of the guys will sit and watch for them to get drunk and take advantage of them.

I try to challenge the guys on their attitude that women who get drunk at parties are "asking for it." In some boys' minds, they might as well be wearing a sign that says "Rape me." We have to make high-school men responsible, and I think ultimately they want to be.

Have you had any success with that?

We've had some great give-and-take conversations. I once asked a class of juniors about whose job it is to say "stop" to sexual activity at some point during a date. Everyone agreed that it was the girl's job to stop, because she can get pregnant. Then I asked the guys: "If a girl were willing to go all the way, how many of you would have your own limits?" The tension in the room was awesome. Thank God for one guy who finally said, "I'd stop." Right away a girl piped up and said, "What's your phone number?"

It turned out that seven guys out of 18 said they would stop on their own. When I asked how many would not have their own limits, four guys put up their hands. "Yeah, it figures," said one girl, "You're such a jerk." They really got into it, and the girls were able to be honest about their anger. "There's no middle ground," said one. "I'm either a prude or a whore." That's a real pressure for these high-school girls.

What support do kids need in order to put off sexual activity?

First of all, they need intense relationships, because they're very intense at that age. They need to be in activities where they can release this intensive: theater, singing, dance, sports, service projects. When we help them channel this, it's beautiful to watch.

It's also crucial that they have friends who believe the same things that they do. Youth groups can create many of these opportunities by inviting kids to spend time with healthy people doing healthy things. Another vital thing kids need is positive touch. Youth groups again are a place where kids are allowed to hug each other, to have their arms around each other.

It's sad that in our society we haven't even taught kids what healthy touch is, but we have set up all these adult rules about when we can't touch each other. Don't get me wrong--I work with abused kids, and we can't allow abuse to happen either. But many of these rules simply don't fit for kids. Even kindergarten teachers are afraid to touch their students, which is crazy. I think when people don't learn to touch and be touched in healthy ways, we end up promoting more illicit sex.

Kids need to hear the facts to counteract the "everyone's doing it" idea. Fewer than half of the young people today are engaging in sex, and most of those have had only one sexual experience. And kids need adult mentors who can model healthy relationships. They watch us to see how we treat each other, how we talk about sex, and whether we practice what we preach.

RELATED ARTICLE: BOB BARTLETT'S 4 SIGNS OF HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

1. DATING IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN. It should not be pressure. Relationships have no set patterns and timetables. In a healthy relationship, there is no point A, B, C, or K to get to. If one person in the relationship is not comfortable doing something, the other respects that.

2. RELATIONSHIPS SHOULD NOT BE EXCLUSIVE. Relationships that are healthy tend to include others and tend to be open to life. I have listened to teens mourn the loss of good friends whom they cut off while they were dating. A person who really loves me does not ask me to give up friends I really care about.

3. THE COUPLE IS COMFORTABLE WITH SILENCE. Couples who are intimate in healthy ways can sometimes study silently or sit closely together for 15 minutes or more and feel very comfortable.

4. IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP, BOTH PARTNERS ARE EQUALS. I challenge teens who consistently date people they can control. Are they fearful of the vulnerability that real intimacy requires?

Reprinted with permission from Growing Toward Intimacy, published by Good Ground Press, St. Paul, MN, 800-232-5533.