In pandemic, clique would inherit earth.

Byline: Dianne Williamson

COLUMN: DIANNE WILLIAMSON

"In pandemic, many will die."

That was the cheerful front-page headline that greeted local readers yesterday, just in case you happened to be in a chipper mood and were oblivious to the fact that a hypothetical flu disaster could be just around the corner.

According to The Associated Press, a task force comprised of "an influential group of physicians" has drafted recommendations for which patients wouldn't be treated in the event of a pandemic flu or widespread health care disaster. The draft includes the proviso that, should disaster strike, the best vaccines will be reserved for a) influential physicians, and b) everyone else.

I kid. The task force compiled a list not of who should be treated first, but who would be last. The list includes the usual suspects - the very old, the very sick and those with severe dementia, such as senior members of Congress. Apparently, these physicians are unaware that such an exercise is futile. They've obviously never seen that fine British documentary about world-ending flu epidemics, "28 Days Later," and have no way of knowing that, four weeks after an incurable virus spreads throughout the world, almost anyone who survives will become a flesh-eating zombie. As for medical care, anyone bitten by a zombie must be immediately hacked to death with a machete.

Just in case, though, I've compiled my own list. I am not, technically, an influential physician, but I can spot People I'd Like to Lose, or PILLs, when I see 'em. Even if we had enough medicine for PILLs, I would humbly suggest it be flushed down the toilet for:

Austrian evil man Josef Fritzl, Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad and Geraldo Rivera.

The fast-talking, used car salesman who last week pretended to be negotiating on his cell phone with a customer who wanted to buy the exact same car we were looking at.

People who use the phrase "per se" for no discernable reason, along with users of the word "irregardless."

Convenience store customers who select their many scratch tickets slowly and carefully, as if they're ordering sushi, and who always seem to jump in line ahead of me.

Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, along with any celebrity who forgets to wear panties in public, yet manages to be photographed while exiting cars with their legs in the air.

Models who weigh 98 pounds but claim they "eat like a horse."

Telemarketers who target seniors with bogus lottery scams, and the evangelical Christian types who think they have a direct pipeline to God.

People who wear sunglasses indoors when there is nothing wrong with their eyes, and men over 21 who wear untucked dress shirts under their sports jackets. I was going to include teenage boys who wear their pants around their knees and their baseball caps askew, but no. Being teenage boys gives them the right - the duty, actually - to look ridiculous.

People who boast that they're too busy to read.

All of the members of that delusional cadre dedicated to the insane proposition that Worcester Regional Airport will ever amount to anything other than a wildlife habitat.

People who use the term "middle-aged female" as an insult, as though it's unseemly for women to age but perfectly OK when men do it.

Oil company presidents and vice presidents and upper-level managers and ... oh, heck, all of 'em.

Obnoxious parents who act as though their 8-year-olds are playing for The Stanley Cup. Also, parents who let their preteen girls dress like Prostitots. People at parties who sniff that it's rude to talk politics but think nothing of boring you with details of their lawn care regimen.

Otherwise responsible adults who allow their senile parents to drive, when said parents can no longer distinguish the gas pedal from the brake.

Creators of the Grand Theft Auto video game, along with the brains behind any reality show featuring models, insects, vapid young people, sweaty fat people or drunken celebs.

The first publisher who offers a nude photo spread to Miley Cyrus.

The first reader who posts on our Web site that my column should be first to go.

Contact Dianne Williamson via e-mail at [e-mail].