In my cups.

WHO SERVES the more disgnsting coffee, the English or the Americans? The English are meaner and lazier, relying heavily on tiny teaspoons of instant coffee. Americans have more machines that use proper coffee but they serve it in plastic--poly something--or cardboard cups. The English mostly drink out of china, but even the middle classes don't bother with saucers, having gone over to mugs. These have absurd slogans such as "MY MUG" or cartoons of furry animals. One can regnlarly see senior English businessmen or lawyers clutching a half-pint mug proclaiming "OH FOR THE WEEKEND." But at least they don't worry about the health effects of coffee as much as Americans: how on earth gallons of what is essentially light brown water can have any health effect except continual urination is anyone's guess.

The French are better. True, they don't show much interest in types of coffee. Some argue they use too much robusta and not enough arabica. But they drink a lot: a coffee-drinking family of four will consume a couple of pounds a week. More important, they make it strong and with little water. They use proper small china cups with saucers and without slogans.

Coffee is even better in Italy where, since the war, espresso has dominated outside the home. Those ,who know drink ristretto, the strongest and smallest. But it should immediately be said that espresso machines do not guarantee good coffee. Let an American loose on an espresso machine and all he does is keep pulling the handle until he has the half-pint of dishwater he so loves.

So some basic rules for Americans. Forget for a while the rarefied argnments about acidity levels and ideally proportioned blends. Let's sort out a basic regime. Proper people do not drink coffee between meals or when they feel like it. Indeed, proper people do not eat between meals or when they feel like it. Coffee is drunk at meals, off tables and sitting down; two cups at breakfast (by all means have two breakfasts and four cups; the Spanish often do), one double after lunch, two after dinner. The only exception is late afternoon when a cup may be taken without food as a restorative, but it is still taken sitting down. The coffee is served in china cups on saucers, white or dark green and gold. Each cup will have no more than a twentieth of a pint of water. If you are thirsty, drink a glass of water but do not ruin coffee with it.

Make coffee either with an espresso machine or with one of those Italian vacuum machines where the water goes in the bottom half and is forced through an intermediate layer of coffee into the top. Filter coffee is for homosexuals, and instant is only fit for those who think television or football more important than making good food and drink. Buy ground and vacuum-packed espresso coffee. Grind beans yourself only if you have a grinder that grinds very fine. Use the coffee up quickly.

Espresso machines are expensive. They do not last forever and can be irritating in their old age. I nursed my Pavoni for two years while it slowly died. Steam started escaping from more and more places in its own charming version of incontinence. Sometimes it would spit at me just like an elderly person.

There is a new machine on the market which is about half the price of a full Italian espresso. It is called a Nespresso because it uses pre-sealed cartridges of Nestle coffee. Before the steam goes through the coffee the cartridge explodes with a small but exciting "bang." These make very good coffee but you have to keep buying the cartridges. If you don't feel up to a full espresso but are resolved to reform your coffee regime, they would make a very good start. Because they heat not the entire water reservoir but only the amount necessary for each cartridge, they work very quickly and you can drink more cups.

But a word of warning. They, like the traditional espresso, are only as good as their operator. You must turn the switch back when they have delivered the minuscule amount needed-- otherwise you will be back with the traditional American half-pint of dishwater. If you must add more liquid then let it be brandy or grappa. But even that is better used afterward as a way of swilling out the coffee cup. The French have a nice habit with it which would annoy Mrs. Clinton. Drink your coffee, fill the little cup with cognac. Dip a large lump of sugar in it and give it to any small children or babies about. The Frogs call it a "canard."

Mr. Anderson is food columnist for The Spectator (London) and the author of The Spectator Book of Imperative Cooking.