Identical Twins Not Identical

Q. I'm the mother of 8-year-old identical twin girls who are currently in separate classes in an independent school. By age 3, they were self-taught readers who voraciously read anything and everything: books, signs in shops, even letters written by other parents to their kindergarten teachers that had been carelessly left on a windowsill! By age 4, they read books like "Little House on the Prairie." My challenge is finding stimulating and enjoyable books for them that have age-appropriate content.

One of the girls is very competitive and often overly confident in her abilities. The second, who's just as able in every way, seems to believe her sister is better at just about everything. The second is less confident, has trouble making friends, and her self-esteem keeps getting lower and lower.

The first daughter's teacher is far more generous in giving rewards to her class than is the second's. Their interim reports have just come home. The teacher of the more confident girl has graded her "very good" in just about every area; whereas, the teacher of the less confident twin has graded her as "good," and she has four to five "needs improvement" comments.

I firmly believe the grading difference has far more to do with teacher style than differences between the girls' abilities and behaviors. The teachers have written little comments for the girls to read, as these reports are meant to be shared with the student. I can't let them see the two reports, as this will undoubtedly add fuel to the less confident twin's delusion that her sister is better than she is. Even if I confidentially share each report with each girl, they will undoubtedly compare notes, which would probably be even worse. Do you have any advice on how to handle this situation?

A. My first thought was not to share the reports with either girl, but I'm sure they'd hear about the reports from other children, so, on second thought, I think you should share the reports with each girl separately and even explain the differences to each. You can discuss the differences between teachers that you've observed, but not state that as a negative, instead explaining that children can learn from all kinds of teachers to help them get along in the world. You can also explain to the girls that, although, biologically, they have much in common and are undoubtedly equally intelligent, their positive attitudes and hard work will make a difference in how they appear to others.

Try to help each child develop her own strengths, and be open about problems shared by the teacher so you can help each improve where she needs improvement. You might also explain to the second twin that if she hides her abilities, others won't realize she has them. Don't feel too sorry for her, or she'll soon feel sorry for herself and avoid working hard for fear it won't prove her to be as capable as her sister.

Twins spend a lot of time with each other and parents typically are with both children at once. It would be excellent to give each of the girls some private time with each parent. Individually, you can provide the less confident daughter the opportunity to build confidence and the more confident daughter an opportunity to be appropriately humble.

For free newsletters about sibling rivalry or the principles of parenting, send a large self-addressed, stamped envelope to P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI, 53094, or read "Tips for Reducing Sibling Rivalry" at www.sylviarimm.com.

Dr. Sylvia B. Rimm is the director of the Family Achievement Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio, a clinical professor of psychiatry and pediatrics at the Case Western Reserve University School of Medicine, and the author of many books on parenting. More information on raising kids is available at www.sylviarimm.com. Please send questions to: Sylvia B. Rimm on Raising Kids, P.O. Box 32, Watertown, WI 53094 or [e-mail]. To read features by other Creators Syndicate writers and cartoonists, visit the Creators Syndicate website at www.creators.com.

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