IT'S THREE STRIKES FOR UPN; NEW MONDAY COMEDIES MISS THE MARK.Byline: Keith Marder Daily News Television Writer New networks have a hard time developing new live-action comedies. Fox hasn't had one since ``Married ... With Children,'' which debuted more than a decade ago. UPN UPN User Principal Name (Microsoft Windows 2000) UPN United Paramount Network UPN Unión del Pueblo Navarro (Navarrese People Union) UPN Umgekehrte Polnische Notation throws three new sitcoms against the wall to see which ones will stick. The answer is: none. They are the bad, the very bad and the ugly. THE SECRET DIARY OF DESMOND PFEIFFER The network promotion for ``The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer'' says: ``The critics hate it, you'll love it.'' Well, at least they were half right. It seems nobody loves ``Desmond Pfeiffer.'' Not the critics, not dozens of activist groups and not the Los Angeles City Council  The Los Angeles City Council is the governing body of the City of Los Angeles, California, United States. . Chances are you won't like it either. The series centers on Desmond Pfeiffer, a black British See also: British African-Caribbean community, Caribbean British, British Asian,British Mixed Black British is a term which has had different meanings and uses as a racial and political label. Historically it has been used to refer to any non-white British national. nobleman, banished to the United States United States, officially United States of America, republic (2005 est. pop. 295,734,000), 3,539,227 sq mi (9,166,598 sq km), North America. The United States is the world's third largest country in population and the fourth largest country in area. , who works as Abraham Lincoln's butler. He becomes the commander-in-chief's confidant. In tow is Pfeiffer's servant, a white imbecile im·be·cile n. A person of moderate to severe mental retardation having a mental age of from three to seven years and generally being capable of some degree of communication and performance of simple tasks under supervision. named Nibblet. Mary Todd Lincoln is depicted as a fat, sex-starved woman with hairy armpits. Gen. Ulysses S. Grant is played as a stumbling drunk and a womanizer wom·an·ize v. woman·ized, woman·iz·ing, woman·iz·es v.intr. To pursue women lecherously. v.tr. To give female characteristics to; feminize. . Gen. Stonewall stone·wall v. stone·walled, stone·wall·ing, stone·walls v.intr. 1. Informal a. Jackson is said to be well-endowed with ``a nice tush tush canine tooth in a horse. ,'' according to his tailor. And, our president was a foot man in search of an affair. In an upcoming episode, we find out that sometimes when he is drunk, he leans toward homosexuality and pedophilia pedophilia, psychosexual disorder in which there is a preference for sexual activity with prepubertal children. Pedophiles are almost always males. The children are more often of the opposite sex (about twice as often) and are typically 13 years or age or younger; . Because of the protest, UPN bumped the pilot and leads the season with an episode that spoofs President Clinton's recent troubles. The satirical series looks like a period piece, but the dialogue has been updated with modern vernacular. Lincoln is engaging in telegraph sex, a precursor to telephone sex. He begins to explain himself to Pfeiffer, who plays the administration's Benson. ``Mr. President, you don't have to explain to me,'' Pfeiffer says, ``this isn't the grand jury.'' The show is loaded with sexual double entendres. However, they are too obvious and too blatant to be funny. Jackson was all set to surrender when he intercepts some of Lincoln's sexual missives. He misinterprets them for Civil War strategy, and the Rebels forge ahead. The people who should be most outraged by this program are Civil War buffs and those who look up to Lincoln. In reality, ``Desmond Pfeiffer'' is more idiotic than it is offensive. THE FACTS The show: ``The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer.'' What: A spoof on the Lincoln White House that is based on the Clinton White House. It is a broad political satire that has proved to be far more controversial than funny. The stars: Chi McBride, Max Baker, Dann Florek, Christine Estabrook. Where: UPN (Channel 13). When: 9 p.m. Mondays. Our rating: One Star. GUYS LIKE US Meet television's cutest new kid: Maestro Harrell, a singing, dancing youngster whose smile seems to take up more than half his face. He plays Maestro Harris, whose father must leave on business to Venezuela for 14 months. During that time, Maestro will be left in the care of his 20-something brother, Jared, and his roommate, Sean Barker. Jared acts as a responsible adult, making sure the 7-year-old gets to school on time and eats well. Sean, played by Chris Hardwick (who was in the shadows of Jenny McCarthy and Carmen Electra on MTV's ``Singled Out,'' and now must lose the spotlight to a 3-footer) thinks that pizza, Doritos, cola and whipped cream is a well-balanced breakfast. Maestro is a little matchmaker Matchmaker - A language for specifying and automating the generation of multi-lingual interprocess communication interfaces. MIG is an implementation of a subset of Matchmaker. , and, by the end of the pilot, he has fixed up both Jared and Chris. The three actors do a great job, but the parts don't add up to a good show. The writing is often tired. How else would you explain a Janet Reno joke in 1998? THE FACTS The show: ``Guys Like Us.'' What: Two guys and a kid. Two bachelors are saddled with a 7-year-old for 14 months. The stars: Maestro Harrell, Bumper Robinson, Chris Hardwick. Where: UPN (Channel 13). When: 8 p.m. Mondays. Our rating: Two Stars. DiRESTA The latest comedy device on television is a cross-dressing preschooler pre·school·er n. 1. A child who is not old enough to attend kindergarten. 2. A child who is enrolled in a preschool. Noun 1. . John DiResta, transit cop/family man, is upset that his daughter, Anna, keeps dressing her brother up like a girl with hats, feather boas and the like. The not-so-proud papa tries to reprogram re·pro·gram tr.v. re·pro·grammed or re·pro·gramed, re·pro·gram·ming or re·pro·gram·ing, re·pro·grams To program again. re his son and starts in with the digs. He complains about the boy being named Dakota. ``If this princess thing continues, people aren't going to be sure if he's North or South,'' DiResta said. Chances are this show will go south. The lead character is not ready to carry a show, and he speaks in punch lines rather than conversation. Too many jokes are inside, well-underground quips that will not play to the large demographic that was never a transit cop. The back story of ``DiResta'' is that the real-life John DiResta was a New York City New York City: see New York, city. New York City City (pop., 2000: 8,008,278), southeastern New York, at the mouth of the Hudson River. The largest city in the U.S. transit cop. The guys around the station house thought he was funny, he started doing stand-up comedy and turned his act into a one-man show. The one-man show was turned into this eight-person sitcom that would have been better off left in the squad room. New York City has done away with transit cops and folded them into the regular NYPD NYPD New York City Police Department (since 1845; New York City, NY, USA) NYPD New York Play Development corps. UPN will probably do away with this sitcom before the end of the season. THE FACTS The show: ``DiResta.'' What: A comedy based on the real life of New York City transit cop John DiResta, who plays himself. The stars: John DiResta, Leila Kenzle, Joe Guzaldo, Sandra Purpuro, David Batiste ba·tiste n. A fine, plain-woven fabric made from various fibers and used especially for clothing. [French, from Old French, perhaps after Baptiste of Cambrai, 13th-century textile maker. , Karle Warren, Erik Palladino, Ruairi and Sean Kenna. Where: UPN (Channel 13). When: 8:30 p.m. Mondays. Our rating: One and One Half Stars. CAPTION(S): 3 Photos Photo: (1) THE SECRET DIARY OF DESMOND PFEIFFER (2) GUYS LIKE US (3) DiRESTA |
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