IT'S AN ABSOLUTELY HOPELESS `PROPOSITION'.

Byline: Glenn Whipp Daily News Film Critic

``The Proposition'' may be the funniest movie I have seen all year, which isn't exactly a recommendation, given that this is a grave, portentous drama about infertility.

This is a movie that takes itself so seriously that laughter is the only option available. Its original title, ``Shakespeare's Sister,'' would have been more appropriate, although the Bard's estate probably would have sued the filmmakers for defamation of the family name. ``The Proposition'' is that bad.

Arthur Hill (William Hurt) is a wealthy financial adviser in Boston's Beacon Hill Society. His wife, Eleanor (Madeleine Stowe), is a modestly successful feminist writer - modestly successful because this is the 1930s and women can only go so far without a man, a fact that the film bludgeons us with at every opportunity.

The Hills have everything - except a child. So, they hire a sexual surrogate, a twerpy youngster straight out of Harvard (Neil Patrick Harris) to do the deed with Mrs. Hill. Again, since this is the 1930s, surrogacy isn't all the rage, so the couple labor to keep things hush-hush.

Matters become complicated when the kid falls in love with Eleanor and wants his own special set of visitation rights. After all, as Harris states with this film's trademark subtlety: ``SHE'S CARRYING MY BABY''

Into this muddy mix comes a pious priest, Father Michael (Kenneth Branagh), who has all sorts of connections - spiritual and otherwise - to the couple in question. Before long, the film turns into a thickly plotted version of ``The Father Dowling Mysteries,'' only without any sense of drama or irony.

``The Proposition'' lays on its plot twists and intrigues with such a heavy hand that it quickly collapses under all the weight. Scenes designed to evoke outrage or compassion instead leave the audience doubled-over with laughter. Lesli Linka Glatter's stifling, ponderous direction bogs the movie down even further and guarantees a complete lack of sympathy for any of the film's characters.

The acting ranges from the mediocre to the just plain awful. Hurt and Stowe gamely try to flesh out their lifeless characters, but the jumbled script never gives them much of a chance.

Harris bags a great many of the unintentional laughs, but he can't come close to Branagh, who's in full Shakespeare mode here. His solemn, verbose narration (every line merely restates the plot - only more pretentiously) and scene-chewing acting are so ridiculously over-the-top that they're wasted here. He belongs on a daytime soap, where his talents can be appreciated fully in the proper context.

Of course, that's a proposition Branagh probably won't consider. You should follow suit with this laborious movie.

THE FACTS

The film: ``The Proposition'' (R; sexual content).

The stars: Kenneth Branagh, Madeleine Stowe, William Hurt, Neil Patrick Harris.

Behind the scenes: Directed by Lesli Linka Glatter. Written by Rick Ramage. Released by PolyGram Films.

Running time: One hour, 54 minutes.

Playing: Citywide.

Our rating: One Star.

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Photo

Photo: Eleanor (Madeleine Stowe) seeks comfort, faith and solace from Father McKinnon (Kenneth Branagh) in ``The Proposition.''