IT'S WAY TOO DRAFTY IN HERE.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

Are we on the clock yet, or do we have time to down some No-Doz?

Reggie "Presidental Pardon" Bush, all set to lease a pontoon outside of N'Orleans with a rent-free dingy for mom and pop, or willing to listen to his new Re/Max advisor?

--Broadway Matt Leinart, finally divorcing himself from Little Nicky Lachey, or adding him to Tom Condon's entourage since it's apparent he doesn't have the arm strength to hold back any female in a bar?

--LenDale Weight, er, White, a "value pick" at the bottom of the first round, or a "value meal" away from a second torn hammy and another munchies run?

--Winston Justice, picked up by a team looking for the last "character guy" left on the USC campus, or picked up by the cops at a Denny's in Times Square for a smash-and-dash?

--Darnell Bing ... remember him?

--Drew Olson ... forget him?

--Marcedes Lewis, more career "upside" than Maurice Drew?

--Vince Young, a Wonderlic score higher or lower than the spot he's drafted?

--Jay Cutler, a cut above Young, Leinart and any other overhyped QB?

--What does the USC coaches' manual suggest Pete Carroll do now, turn into or away from this skid?

--Kobe is changing his number from 8 to 24 because ... 34 wasn't made available?

--Delmon Young, this devilish Devil Ray guppie, couldn't come up with a better way to get airtime on "SportsCenter"? Or Fox News? Or the "Today" show? Was he watching too much of Jon Heder in "Benchwarmers"?

--What redeeming qualities did Elaine Benes ever see in Keith Hernandez again? Is his problem just that he's taking his job too seriously as the bouncer in the "Just For Men" club?

--What's next on Tiger Woods' "Fear Factor" audition tape? How about a golf cart ride with Johnny Knoxville?

--When does Kevin Mench get his own signature shoe called "Size Matters"?

--Too late for the Dodgers to teach their pitchers the slide step?

--Will Ricky Williams return to the NFL before or after the price of bong water hits fourbucks a gallon?

--Attention K-Mart buyers - are you nuts?

--When does Astros closer Brad Lidge change his entrance song from "Here Comes the Pain" to "Here Comes the Sun"?

--Did Red Sox reliever Jonathan Papelbon go to Charlie Sheen's barber for that haircut? Will "Wild Thing" echo throughout Fenway before long?

--Are you telling us that ESPN security is so lacking that it can't slap the cuffs on that goofball who keeps hanging outside the gates with his $200 cellphone bothering all the employees driving into work?

--Seen enough of Frankie "In The Front Row" Muniz at Clippers games yet?

--How solid is Steve Lavin's position in TV land when he afford to pooh- pooh a six-yeardeal to coach hoops at NorthCarolina State?

--And where is Mel KiperJr. on your mock draft?

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