IT'S OUT OF THE QUESTION: THE JOKE IS ON THE PADRES.

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

So after dousing themselves with warm Mountain Dew, going through a gauntlet of limp handshakes and sending a letter of thanks to the commissioner's office, can the we-stunk- less San Diego Padres finally take their foot off the gas pedal and let the Dodgers sweep them away, knowing that a sub.-500 record will actually improve their Q-rating than if they had won a whopping 82 games?

Have the Pads even been allowed to print playoff tickets?

Does all this make the San Diego Chicken feel sheepish?

And when Trevor Hoffman closes out Game 4 of the World Series sweep against the Angels by striking out Vlad Guerrero with the bases juiced, will you take back all the prior Friar jokes?

--Were you able to suppress your yawn upon finding out the Atlanta Braves won the NL East again?

--Do we pull for the Yankees to win the AL East, so that we can root against 'em once the playoffs start? What's a Yankees-Red Sox series without Pedro Martinez and Don Zimmer?

--What's the over-under, and over again, on Jeremy Roenick giving some poor Dallas Stars kid a roll-bounce concussion on opening night?

--How many of the bags of ice that USC took with 'em to the 100-degree-plus bedeviled Phoenix area this weekend have already melted?

--As long as they've successfully mucked up college football with all the delays brought upon by instant replay, why not just go ahead and put Charlie White's touchdown dive for USC in the 1979 Rose Bowl under review?

--Think the NFL would just as soon leave the Arizona Cardinals behind in Mexico City after this weekend?

--Surprised Chad Pennington couldn't shoulder the load? Does Vinny Testaverde pass the five-second rule, in which a grizzled quarterback that falls off the face of the earth can't be fed to the New York fans and media again?

--Minnesota spamming Mike Tice sounds nice, but wouldn't St. Louis ramming Mike Martz show a lot more smarts?

--How do you explain Fuzzy The Dog (29-12) winning our little NFL weekly pick 'em contest against six reasonably minded humans?

--Shouldn't Michigan be allowed to stay in the Top 25 just because of its helmets?

--Can Phil Jackson set the bar any lower?

--Hasn't Jack McKeon already retired?

--Is this just the start of Greg Maddux's streak of sub-.500 seasons?

--What does it say about NHL fans when the league reports that the season-ticket renewal rate is about 88 percent?

--When is there going to be a Gallup Poll of, say, 2,242 U.S. adults between 18 and 54 with a fully functioning brain who agree 99 percent that the Harris Poll should get out of the business of helping decide who goes the college football national championship game?

--Does Tiger Woods' new 'do do anything for you?

--How about Jessica Alba in a bikini?