IT'S HIP TO BE CLIP, RIGHT?

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

What do we consider to be the week's most miraculous event, the Clippers' playoff berth or some wacked-out celebrity Scientology birth?

--How, in the name of Benoit Benjamin, Michael Cage, Quintin Dailey, Maurice Taylor, Melvin Ely, Olden Polynice, Eric Piatowski, Bo Kimble, Pooh Richardson, Danny Ferry, Stanley Roberts, John "Hot Plate" Williams, Lamond Murray, Loy Vaught, Tom Tolbert, Darnell Valentine, Charles Outlaw, Wang Zhizhi, Joe Wolf, Keith Closs, Jeff McInnis, Ike Austin, Cherokee Parks, Dwayne Schintzius, Mike Smrek, Elmore Spencer, Brent Barry, Pete Chilcutt and Ken Norman, did this Clipper squad successfully tank a game to improve their playoff position, while their Staples Center time-share partners scramble to win their last game and avoid a No. 8 seed?

--And how, in the name of Billy Crystal and Frankie Muniz, do the Clips lure enough B-plus-listers this weekend to entertain the gawkers?

--Will it be the Lakers' luck that their series with the Suns comes down to how well Brian Grant, who they're still paying $13.8 million this year and owe $14.5 million to next season, grinds it down low with Kwame Brown?

--A guy named Lombardi is going to instill a new culture of winning with the Kings?

--Cody Ross, anyone?

--Why is it so blasphemous to wonder whether Eric Gagne's latest arm trouble is somehow related to steroid use? As if it hasn't crossed your mind?

--What redeeming quality did Matt Leinart show to potential NFL employers by audibilizing on his legal representation just days before the draft?

--Two potential NFL teams in L.A.? Can't we just be perturbed by the fact one wants to come in?

--When will the 6-foot-5, 250-pound Cubs first baseman Derrek Lee learn not to let a 5-foot-8 runt shortstop run him?

--Where can we get a poster of Duke's lacrosse team? The local post office?

--What answer does the 76ers have for Allen Iverson?

--Do Jordan Farmar and/or Arron Afflalo fully understand that a jump of faith into the NBA could mean warming the bench for the Knicks?

--Who has more longballs by year's end, Barry Bonds or Bronson Arroyo?

--As for the Boston newspaper that had the nasty task of determining the 100 unsexiest men in the world, how does Sam Cassell look at himself in the mirror knowing that big uglies like Randy Johnson (No. 2), Don Zimmer (No. 29), Otis Nixon (No. 32), Willie McGee (No. 35), Scottie Pippen (No. 37), Grady Little (No. 72), Barry Bonds (No. 83), Jeff Van Gundy (No. 86) and Bill Parcells (No. 92) made it, but he didn't?

--Doesn't the WNBA team in Seattle go by the name Suri?

[e-mail]

[phone]