IT'S GOTTEN TOO BIG ON SMALL SCREEN.

Byline: PHIL ROSENTHAL 

An automobile is driving on the contours of two gigantic naked bodies. Some teeny tiny people are playing on basketball star Michael Jordan's head. A group of college kids are having a beer bash as they straddle ... the Rocky Mountains.

I'm trying to watch TV, and I keep stumbling across these huge distractions every few minutes.

``There are big ads and there are small ads,'' said Bradley Johnson, Los Angeles bureau chief for the trade publication Advertising Age. ``This is a small idea with big implications.''

Now, I don't want to be small-minded, but I can't help it. I've got a growing problem with these commercials, and it has nothing to do with my shrinking buying power.

Whether it's the huge fruit in a Starburst candy ad, or giant new entrees the size of a small condominium at TGI Fridays, or even the idea that an Isuzu sport utility vehicle might be wrapped like a toy in a store, I can't help but see the world as a big scary place where I am tiny and insignificant.

``This isn't exactly new ... but they didn't do it as well 20 years ago,'' Johnson said. ``This takes sophisticated special effects. Clearly, this is not the old Tidy Bowl ad, where they just stuck a man in a pool and made it look like a toilet.''

The current wave got started a few years ago. Acura made it look as though its car was barreling down an orange track as if on some giant child's Hot Wheels set. Nike had billboard-size superstar athletes kick a soccer ball literally around the world, from Paris to London to New York and so on.

But, sure as you can say ``James and the Giant Peach,'' it's gotten out of hand.

Today, there's the Miller Genuine Draft ad in which all the miniature figurines along a model-train set come to life, which, admittedly, is apt to happen if you drink enough of the stuff.

And there's Coors Light, which has a bunch of good-looking guys and gals playing golf, football and now baseball on - not in - the Rocky Mountains, trying all the while not to squash anything of consequence as they frolic.

And there's the new Hyundai ad in which its economy car drives on a couple of giant unclothed bodies. It drives along a forehead as the announcer declares how much headroom it has. It drives along an arm and the announcer talks about its muscle. Whether this enhances sales or simply reinforces the idea that the cars are a tad small remains to be seen.

``If you like naked women, or naked men, or both, maybe you'll feel good about the (car),'' Advertising Age's Johnson said.

But what's the point of the Gatorade ad that has all those itty-bitty people playing around atop Michael Jordan's sweaty bald head? How do those mind games make anyone want to drink the stuff?

``I'm going to let you in on a trade secret,'' Johnson said, his voice almost a whisper. ``I hope I'm not giving too much away, but not all television advertising is brilliant.''

Someone ought to tell these advertisers that size doesn't matter; bigger isn't always better; and the larger they come, the harder they'll fall.

``If too many advertisers do it,'' Johnson predicted, ``we'll move on to the next big thing.''

Maybe I should see a shrink in the meantime.