IT'S A NIGHT OF SEX AND DRUGS ON SHOWTIME.

Byline: David Kronke

TV Critic

Thanks to "Secret Diary of a Call Girl," a British import debuting tonight on Showtime, I now know many tricks of the prostitution racket, tricks I of course will never be able to implement. Such as: Wear men's deodorant and never perfume, so that the client doesn't go home smelling of a woman.

So you could justify watching "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" by arguing that it's educational, and the lasciviousness is just a bonus you're going to have to live with.

Oddly, however, the show isn't quite as sexy or saucy as one would imagine. Certainly, it's playful -- Billie Piper, who stars as Belle (her professional name)/Hannah (her name outside her bed), directly addresses the camera as she glibly yet frankly explicates her life, her job and her sexuality -- but there's also a melancholia surrounding the proceedings, as well. The show just hints that her life isn't as fulfilling as she might suggest.

Episodes don't feel fully formed, probably because they don't adhere to the three-act formula. Each essentially follows Belle/Hannah as she prepares and services her john-of-the-week 7/8 an S&M client, a threesome, a foursome, a creep, a sleepover, etc. (In the first half of the eight-episode season, Belle commits a few professional breaches; in the second half, she receives comeuppance for other, unrelated reasons.)

A little of her personal life is sprinkled in. Her friend/former lover Ben (Iddo Goldberg) is engaged, but given that all we see of his fianc(hrt)e is her torso as she paces before him while he's on the phone with Hannah, the writing's on the wall as far as that relationship goes.

Piper's performance is winningly pert, but outside of a couple of episodes, the sex is more inert than erotic. "Secret Diary of a Call Girl" is a tease that somehow never manages to follow through, either on its promise or simply with fully satisfying narratives.

Meanwhile, Showtime's pot dramedy "Weeds" returns for its fourth season with Nancy (Mary-Louise Parker), the show's lovable suburban pot dealer/mom, in more dire straits than ever: At the end of last season, she torched her home in the middle of a California wildfire, and so now she and her sons and brother-in-law (Justin Kirk) are on the lam.

They land in a small town on the Mexico border, where she holes up with her disapproving former father-in-law (Albert Brooks), who's caring for his moribund mother when he's not at the racetrack.

Nancy needs some cash quick, so she hooks up with the local bad element, while back in Majestic, Celia (Elizabeth Perkins) is arrested for Nancy's pot business. (The biggest laugh through the first three episodes is the prison makeover Celia receives at the hands of some Latina inmates.)

In the first three episodes of the season, not much happens except for a lot of narrative wheel-spinning, as if, having blown up the show's premise at the end of last season, the show's writers aren't sure where to go this year.

More worrisome is the fact that Parker, whose work has been so winning despite reported clashes with the show's producers, seems to be above it all now. Her attitude apparently mirrors Nancy's: Keep smiling, and this, too, shall pass, whatever the indignity may be (at one point, she's relegated to urinating in a plastic cup in her car during a traffic jam).

With luck, "Weeds" should eventually find its bearings as the season progresses. But at this point, you probably don't want whatever it is its writers are

smoking.

David Kronke, [phone] [e-mail] www.insidesocal.com/tv/

SECRET DIARY OF A CALL GIRL - Two and one half stars

>What: Dramedy starring Billie Piper as a high-class prostitute.

>Where: Showtime.

>When: 10:30 tonight.

>In a nutshell: More a tease than fully satisfying.

WEEDS - Two and one half stars

>What: Season-four premiere of the misadventures of a pot mom (Mary-Louise Parker), newly displaced from suburbia.

>Where: Showtime.

>When: 10 tonight.

>In a nutshell: Seems to be spinning its wheels plot-wise.

CAPTION(S):

2 photos

Photo:

(1) Billie Piper

(2) Mary-Louise Parker