ISN'T THIS A DOPEY RESPONSE?

Byline: TOM HOFFARTH

Gary Matthews Jr., innocent until proven quasi-innocent, may get away with the one-flap-down, "I'm in no position to address this issue" stance for another hour or two, but when does Angels management, stuck holding the tab on a $50 mil, five-year commitment, consider a change in address for the former Granada Hills High star once he's coerced into giving either a full denial or an admission of guilt about this human growth hormone allegation that's growing by the day? Don't they both understand that as each minute passes, "He's No Angel" Matthews looks less and less innocent as not charged in the media spotlight?

Shaun Livingston, we presume, and his Theismann-esque leg will be the primary reason given now as why the Clippers don't have a leg left to stand on come playoff time, right? Or will this just be the most convenient excuse offered up in mid-April, when there's no "Brawl in the Hall" talk because everyone in Sterlingville has started their Lake Havasu summer vacation/rehab?

Is it true that the Kings actually tried to trade away Luc Robitaille this week until someone in the front office realized he'd already retired?

Did you hear that the team's season highlight film will be tentatively titled "The Last Kings of Staples Center"?

Feeling a little spunky, Lasorda?

Did someone finally tell the Artful Dodger that it's not worth denying or suing over these old prostitution charges because, as the story comes out, what he's alleged to have done wasn't all that bizzare?

Didn't he ever read Steve Garvey's book about how Mr. Clean used to take Walter Alston over to some dame's house for some Blue Heaven sessions?

And you're sure Babydoll Gibson wasn't the nickname Lasorda gave to the gimp who went yard in Game 1 of the '88 World Series?

If you're the one who shelled out $2.3 mil on a piece of deteriorating cardboard smaller than a cigarette lighter because it has a picture of Honus Wagner on it, couldn't you have easily thrown it away on a share of the Kansas City Royals?

How many votes does Maury Wills need to steal to get into the Hall of Fame?

The NHL, which continues its evacuation process out of Canada, now wants to open a season in London? Is this some subversive way to cultivate hockey hooliganism?

So if you're boarding a plane for a snowmobile trip, and you see Rulon Gardner stuffing some life jackets and splints and extra thermal underwear into the overhead bin, is it too late to bust into the cockpit and ask the captain to give the passengers in coach their last rights over the loud speaker?

By the way, it's March ... feeling any madness yet, or are you on the bubble?

[e-mail]

[phone]