IN BETWEEN MONTAGES, THEY GAVE OUT SOME OSCARS.

Byline: David Kronke

TV Critic

Here's a blow-by-blow description of the Oscar telecast:

MONOLOGUE: Host Jon Stewart did much better this time around, keeping it short, sweet and pretty much on topic for the crowd he's playing to:

"What an exciting night. These past 3 1/2 months have been very tough -- but the fight is over, so tonight, welcome to the make-up sex."

"Even 'Norbit' got a nomination, which I think is great. Too often the academy ignores films that aren't good."

"Diablo Cody used to be an exotic dancer, and now she's an Oscar-nominated screenwriter. I hope you're enjoying the pay cut."

6:14 p.m. MONTAGES: Boy, oh boy, they're wasting a lot of time on these montages from Oscar ceremonies past. I guess they went to the trouble of cooking all these things up before the writers strike was resolved, and they're gonna use 'em, dammit, no matter how little the rest of us care. The latest: a bunch of shots of best supporting actor winners, including Cuba Gooding Jr.'s ecstatic acceptance speech, the magical moment that propelled him to those underwear commercials he's doing today. Next up: a montage of Oscar's greatest montages.

6:18 p.m. BARDEM'S MOMENT: Javier Bardem shocks the world by predictably winning the best supporting actor Oscar for "No Country for Old Men." He thanks his mother in Spanish, saying, roughly translated, "Mama, I promise I'll never wear that haircut again."

6:23 p.m. MORE MONTAGES: At least Stewart is dumping on the montages as well: He introduces "Oscar's salute to binoculars and periscopes," and "Bad Dreams: An Oscar salute."

6:48 p.m. COENS' MOMENT: Is the sweep beginning? The Coen brothers grab the best adapted screenplay trophy for "No Country for Old Men." But they better have better acceptance speeches, should they win for editing, directing and/or best picture.

6:50 p.m. BOREDOM: Geez, the academy is hellbent to bore us silly:

They're offering a short film explaining the voting process. Did you know academy voters actually go to theaters to see the films? And then they vote on ballots? That might have been a little too inside-

baseball for the rest of the country. Again, Stewart's just as underwhelmed as we are: "Wow. That was amazing."

7:02 p.m. VERY BERRY: Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill get into a debate over which one is more like Halle Berry and which one is more like Dame Judi Dench. That'll no doubt become a topic of debate for weeks to come in dorm rooms pungent with the smell of marijuana.

7:12 p.m. RISING ROSE: Marion Cotillard is best actress for "La Vie en Rose."

Her emotional acceptance speech (apparently her life is officially rocked) is in broken English, but it says volumes more than any of those prior. She exults, "It is true: There (are) some angels in this city!" Nah, but you haven't been in town long, so we'll give you a pass on your endearing naivete.

7:19 p.m. ONCE IS NOT ENOUGH: Just based on the response "Once" gets at its mere mention, it's safe to say Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova will win the best song Oscar for "Falling Slowly."

7:22 p.m. YOU KNOW JACK: Bulletin: Jack Nicholson confesses that he loves the movies. He says the word "humanity," then cackles ominously. Oh, Jack -- they've pimped you out for yet another montage?

7:50 p.m. ONCE AGAIN: As we surmised, "Falling Closely" takes the best song Oscar. "Make art, make art," co-winner Glen Hansard implores the crowd, apparently forgetting who he's speaking to.

7:57 p.m. AND AGAIN: Jon Stewart automatically ensures he's going to get rave reviews for his hosting duties when he brings back best song co-winner Marketa Irglova to give the acceptance speech the orchestra had previously denied her.

8:25 P.M. STRIP TEASE: It's now official: Diablo Cody will be the first person in history whose obit will include the phrase "former stripper/Academy Award winner."

8:33 p.m. NO SHOCK AGAIN: Daniel Day-Lewis shocks the world by predictably winning the best actor Oscar for "There Will Be Blood."

8:41 p.m. TERSE COEN: Martin Scorsese, presenting the Best Director Oscar, which he calls "an award that will -- trust me -- mean so much to the recipient." Joel and Ethan Coen shock the world by predictably winning the trophy for "No Country for Old Men." "I don't have a lot to add to what I said earlier," Ethan says, referring to his nearly nonacceptance acceptance speech for best adapted screenplay. Joel, on the other hand, recalls shooting a movie when they were kids called "Henry Kissinger: Man on the Go" and adds, "What we do now doesn't feel all that different from what we did back then." I'd kind of like to see "Henry Kissinger: Man on the Go."

8:45 P.M. COUNTRY LIVING: Denzel Washington shocks the world by predictably giving the best picture trophy to "No Country for Old Men." Producer Scott Rudin smiles, something he's not known for doing around his assistants, and thanks his partner: "Without you, honey, this (Oscar) is just hardware." What is it with him?

8:51 p.m. ONE MORE MONTAGE:

And now, the evening's final montage: A collection of the best closing-credits scrolls in Oscar history.

David Kronke, [phone]

david.kronke(at)dailynews.com

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Photo:

Oscars host Jon Stewart uses an iPhone to joke about watching "Lawrence of Arabia" in "widescreen" format on the tiny device during Sunday's telecast.

Associated Press