IM-ing: now it's all in the family: instant messaging is helping to break down barriers between parents and their children.

Nina Gordon types out an instant message and sends it. The data travels some 500 miles, from the computer in her living room in Queens, N.Y., to America Online's servers in Northern Virginia, and then to her son Schuyler's computer, which just happens to be in the next room--about 20 feet away from where she is sitting.

you hungry for dinner?

After a little online banter over dining options, her son, a 17-year-old with a wicked sense of humor and no shortage of attitude, sends his request:

an insty pizza and a beer

don't push your luck, comes the reply.

Instant messaging, long a part of teenagers' lives, is working its way into the broader fabric of the American family. "It's certainly not just for kids anymore," says Michael Gartenberg of Jupiter Research, a firm that follows trends in the technology industry.

Almost three quarters of all teenagers with online access use instant messaging and about half of all adults have tried the services, surveys show. Adults, who generally began using the services from AOL, Microsoft, or Yahoo to stay in touch with co-workers during the day, are saying "this stuff I'm using for work is actually useful in my personal life as well," Gartenberg says.

AOL, which provides the most popular service, reports that more than one billion instant messages flow through its networks each day. And now, as families own more than one computer and the machines spread beyond the den, instant messaging is taking root within the home itself.

ONLINE VS. FACE TO FACE

Although it might seem silly to send electronic messages instead of getting out of a chair and walking into the next room, some psychologists say that the role of instant rues saging within families can be remarkably positive. In many cases, they say, the messages are helping to break down barriers between parents and their children.

"Conversation between parents and teenagers could be highly emotional and not necessarily productive," says Elisheva F. Gross, a psychologist at the University of California at Los Angeles. When young people are online, however, "it's their turf," she says. "It may be a way for parents to communicate in a language and in a space that their children are more comfortable with."

Teenagers already use online communications to take on difficult topics with one another, says Katelyn McKenna, a psychology professor at New York University. Preliminary results from a study she conducted last year, she says, suggest that "they are able to talk with one another about issues that bother them more readily online than when they are talking face to face."

Lissa Parsonnet of Short Hills, N.J., says that her daughter, Dorrie, is sometimes more open to talking with her and her husband online about difficult sub jeers, like conflicts with friends, than she is in person. "She talks to us as if we're people, not parents," Parsonnet says.

Parsonnet, a psychotherapist, says that the online back channel strips away some of the parts of face-to-face communication that complicate matters: "They don't see you turning red," she says. "They don't see you turning cross-all the things that will shut them up immediately."

Both instant messages and e-mail messages can help smooth things over after a fight, says Nora Gross, 17, of New York City, who says that electronic communications have helped strengthen her relationship with her father. "I can remember a few times when we've had little blowups and sent apology letters over e-mail," she says.

MOM ON YOUR BUDDY LIST?

But for all the advantages many families and experts see in instant messaging, some adolescents say that they simply do not want their parents on their buddy list.

"People can be easily misunderstood online," one teenager, who asked that her name not be used, says during an interview conducted through IM. "I am not as reserved when I talk to people online ... so really, it would just exacerbate whatever problem was there."

While instant messages and e-mail may helpfully supplement face-to-face discussion, experts warn that it should not be relied on as the principal means of communication.

"The question," says Sherry Turkle, a technology researcher at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "is whether you can use it constructively to bring it back to the face to face."

John Schwartz covers technology and business for The New York Times.