IF YOU DON'T READ THIS, IT'S A $100 FINE.

Byline: MARIEL GARZA

ON Thursday, as many folks are waking up with pounding heads and champagne breath, they will be greeted by a whole host of new state laws thought up by those helpful legislators in Sacramento.

There are approximately 12 zillion laws in the California code prescribing how people must conduct themselves, from describing exactly how parents must truss up their children and themselves in the car for a ride to 7-Eleven to spelling out exactly how one must behave not to offend others. Because there are clearly never enough laws, thousands more are added to the state code every year.

Unfortunately, most of those new laws are boring and do little else than further bureaucratize the bureaucracy. To spice up the state code, I offer several suggested laws for the legislators to consider in 2004:

--The ``State Solvency Through Traffic Safety'' law would double the fines for not wearing your seat belt. This is not enough if we want to solve the budget crisis on the backs of careless drivers. Instead of doubling them, my law would raise them as much as 1,000 percent - depending on the celebrity of the driver.

This way, when a movie star such as say - and I offer this as merely an example - Halle Berry is pulled over for running someone over and is found not wearing her safety harness, the fine could fund an entire year of the state's preschool education.

One possible pitfall in enforcement might be if Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger were stopped. Would he qualify as a movie star and face the full force of the law or, like most politicians, just write in an exemption for himself?

--My ``Keep an Eye on the Road'' law would prohibit the operation of a motor vehicle on state roadways when two or more of the following conditions occur simultaneously: talking on a cell phone without a headset, driving an SUV, applying makeup, eating bananas or any food item that must be peeled, engaging in dental hygiene or making obscene finger gestures.

--In the spirit of the ``Sue Your Boss'' law that makes it easier for employees to get their employers in court for wage and labor violations, I offer the ``Sue Your Elected Official'' law.

This measure would make it easier for constituents to hold politicians accountable for violating campaign limit laws or other campaign codes by allowing them to sue them directly in civil court rather than waiting for the next election. That would likely incentivize at least some ethical behavior in politics.

A similar though completely different possibility is the ``Sue Paris Hilton'' law. This would fast-track the process wherein TV watchers could go directly to court seeking remedy for the harm incurred by watching Hilton and her sidekick Nicole Richie gallivanting among upstanding farm folk on ``The Simple Life.''

--The ``Live Within Your Means'' law would require all elected officials in the state, from water board members to legislators, to come up with a viable funding scheme to pay for any new bill they introduce. This would replace the current system of ``enact now, figure out how to pay later.''

--The ``Responsibility in Public Discourse'' act would create a system of increasing fines and penalties for all elected officials and people running for state office who quote lines from their own movies.

For example, Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger would only be able to say ``hasta la vista, baby'' in a public forum once per calendar year without facing stiff fines. Use of obscure, nontrite quotes would be acceptable, provided fewer than half of Californians are familiar with the particular quote or the movie it came from.

--And finally, my personal favorite: The Anti-Political Spam law would put strict limits on the number of press releases that elected officials are allowed to fax per day, specifically those having little or no point.

Approximately 25,000 acres of forest are lost every year to provide the paper to print the endless stream of self-promoting or questionable press releases. Some elected officials are worse than others, particularly during times of stress.

Here's a real example of a political spam I received recently: ``Facing the challenge - Assembly member Judy Chu to highlight her 2003 accomplishments.''

Admittedly, all of these laws would only serve to amuse me or make my own life better. But so what? Is there another reason that laws get passed?