IF NOT HERE, WHERE ELSE WILL THIS STUFF COME UP? : STATION BREAK REAL LETTERS FROM REAL READERS:.

Byline: Tom Hoffarth

Topics that need to be tabled:

If those stage moms disguised as sports execs at ABC aren't embarrassed to give a microphone to Mark Jones, John Spagnola and Gene Blevens and turn Saturday's UCLA-USC telecast into ``Amateur Night at the Apollo Theatre,'' there is no reason for anyone at home not to use the perpetual mute button on the remote.

We hear your pain.

Sure, you can't expect Keith Jackson, Bud Wilkinson, Peter Jennings and/or Herb Albert and the Tijuana Brass to broadcast this quasi-meaningless game. But the No. 12 team on the network depth chart, right behind ``Lois and Clark''?

It's like ESPN making that Charley Steiner-for-Andrew Shue ``SportsCenter''-for-``Melrose Place'' swap. There are no winners.

ABC might as well consider a rerun of ``Bloopers, Bleeps and Foul-Ups.''

(For the record, ``In the House'' Jones signed off last week's Virginia-North Carolina 'cast by saying ``I'm John Spagnola!'' Spagnola, sitting next to him in the booth, might want to look into legal action - defamation of character? - and Jones might want to look into a Nicotrol patch.)

It's palatable to suggest Terry Donahue will leave CBS as a college football wanna-be analyst after this year. But to become the next Notre Dame coach?

Someone contact Roget. There's a new synonym for the word ``absurd.''

The irony is Fred Edlestein hasn't run with this yet.

News flash: NBC, which holds the rights to the Irish telecasts, has offered up Sam Wyche, Mike Ditka or Joe Gibbs to the South Bend wisemen as a possible replacement for Holtz.

Not.

If Jim Harrick joins CBS as a college basketball studio analyst - as if he has anything else to do - what possible pearls of wisdom could he pass on to the viewing audience?

And wouldn't the network's accounting department be leary of any Kenny Rogers' Roasters receipts he submits?

Harrick will make his appearance in the antiperspirant commercials look like the Gettysburg Address compared to what he has to add to a college hoop show.

And no one else seems to find the hypocrisy in the fact CBS, with studio analyst Danny Sheridan, can advance the story about the 13 members of the Boston College football team suspended for gambling, and then have Sheridan's exclusive odds on college and pro games appear daily in USA Today?

Sheridan could convince a bunch of drunk college kids that part of exotic wagering on football games includes dining on Rocky Mountain oysters.

HBO will hook up boxer Roy Jones Jr. with a tiny microphone in his trunks when he bruises up Iron-Deficient Mike McCallum in tonight's televised act of pugilism.

We've always supported the use of a tiny camera - call it the ``KO-Cam'' - as the next TV boxing innovation. All a microphone will do is tempt Jones to look down at his navel sometime in the first round and yell ``Hey, is this thing on?'' just as his septum is being deviated.

Attention TV and radio sports people:

The definition of breaking a story is simple. You get an intriguing piece of information, you go on the air with it. You don't give it to someone else and then take credit for it.

Simple enough, ``Sports Gods?''

Has ESPN renewed its zoning permit to get Chris Berman on the ``NFL GameDay'' set?

Lookalikes: Fox Sports News' Randy Sprague and Willie Wonka badboy Augustus Gloop.

Soundalikes: ESPN's better-than-the-average-anchor Bob Ley and picnic-basket baron Yogi Bear.

The news from yet-to-be-launched CNN-SI was that Jean McCormick, a highly respected behind-the-scenes coordinator, resigned as executive producer because of ``personal reasons.'' Personally, she reasoned that she didn't want to come to work for a company that had fired her since they all decided she wasn't the right person to be coordinating sports news 24 hours a day.

McCormick made a name doing ESPN's ``Outside The Lines'' docu-dramas - only one of which has been compiled and aired by the worldwide leader in sports since her departure for CNN months ago. Hire her back, Bristol brainsurgeons.

CNN-SI plans to launch into the vast black hole of cableworld on Dec. 12 - initially as a replacement for ``Sports Night'' on CNN, with Fred Hickman and Nick Charles staying on as hosts. The new show plans to be light on video highlights and heavy on journalistic-tough stories from the fellas at SI, which seems logical since they don't seem too taxed putting quality writing into the magazine lately.

Memo to radio and TV NFL analyst Matt ``I can't say enough about . . .'' Millen: Yes, you can. And often do.

Everytime I hear Joe Theismann blather on as an analyst on ESPN's Sunday Night NFL coverage, I can't help but recall what the former Washington Redskins QB once said about the intelligence level of his colleagues in the league: ``There aren't a lot of Norman Einsteins out there.''

Ever notice how KCAL Channel 9 sportscaster Gary Cruz reads the TelePrompTer as if he's phonetically trying to make out someone's personalized licence plate?

YRUONTV?

Based on the semi-irresponsible, only mildly amusing, borderline-prank interview that ``Loose Cannons'' Steve Hartman and Bill Werndl did with a Dan Dierdorf imposter last week, one must assume that any interview aired on all-sports XTRA-AM (690) between 1 and 8 p.m. is either a hoax or on tape.

What exactly was Jim Gray bred for?

There must be some kind of work ESPNEWS has to start Rich Eisen's transfer papers in motion. How 'bout getting a buncha subscriptions and win the 10-speed bike?

If you watch anything this weekend, it has to be Saturday at 8 p.m. when HBO shows its home-made presentation called ``Rebound - The Legend of Earl `The Goat' Manigault.'

Never heard of him? Most out there haven't.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar (who plays himself in the movie) calls the New York schoolyard legend the best player he's ever seen. Says it right to Chick Hearn (who also plays himself).

Jim Rome plays himself in the box-office bonanza ``Space Jam.'' The question asked most by those who haven't seen it yet: Does that mean he's real or a cartoon?

Kenny Rich, West Hills:

I am 50 years old and have been watching sports telecasts for the better part of 40 years.

Is it my imagination or are the quality of sports broadcasts deteriorating? It used to be that the game was the most important thing. But in this modern age of high-tech, showing the game has taken a back seat to nifty camera angles, video graphics, the umpteen million shots of the coaches on both teams reacting to every play, the shot of the offensive coordinator, the defensive coordinator, the fan, the cheerleader, the crowd . . .

Have you watched Monday Night Football this year? They televise it like it was a talk show. What moron has decided that the viewer at home needs to be so close to the quarterback that you can see the hairs in his nose instead of who is lining up against who, who's in motion . . . Then they make you watch some of the game from the end-zone camera where you never know what yard line the ball is on. Have these idiots ever tried to watch a game from the end zone?

The way they televise games now so close with the cameras that you miss half the blocking and almost all the action near the ball. And the second a play is over the camera starts jumping around like it was a chariot race scene from ``Ben Hur.''

Tell me if I'm wrong, but from where I'm sitting, the modern-day sports telecast misses more hits, passes, snaps, steals, checks, blocks, faceoffs, baskets and goals than I can remember in four decades of watching televised sports.

The people at the top are very schooled in the technical aspects but are airheads when it comes to understanding the game. I don't believe the people running the show are sports fans.

Is it just me?

Our response: No, it's not.

Greg Ottinger, West Hills:

Could you do a thumbnail profile of each of the city's sports TV and radio reporters, with their background, sports memories, philosophy of sports reporting (I hesitate to use the term ``sports journalism'' for most of them), etc.?

Our response: Did you see Ka-Jim Ka-Hill on Channel 2 pronounce the name of the legendary football coach at Notre Dame as ``Ka-nute'' Rockne? Oh, and how about when Fred Roggin on Channel 4 superimposed his head on a voluptuous fight ring-card girl? Man, it was the funniest thing I've ever . . . I'm sorry, what was the question?

CAPTION(S):

2 Photos, Box

Photo: (1-2) Can the CBS payroll handle both former UCLA basketball coach Jim Harrick, far left, and former UCLA football coach Terry Donahue at the same time?

Daily News Files Photos

Box: STATION BREAK (see text)