I want my Gay TV.

I've just returned from a meeting of the National Association of Openly Gay Station Owners and Local Programming Executives. It was held at a lovely bed-and-breakfast on the Russian River. Spike and Meg, our hosts, made all four of us feel welcome, although they couldn't talk anyone into a bracing early-morning kayak, no matter how hard they tried or how much of their famous Sumatra mocha java laced with cinnamon, Kahlua, Equal, and Coffee-mate they poured down our gullets. In spite of the incessant rain and the periodic time-outs, during which we chased behind our luggage and their furniture as the mud carried it down the hill to the garage sales of Guerneville, a productive time was had by all.

Key points of the just-concluded February sweeps were discussed and an overall strategy for next fall was tossed around until, like every other agenda at every other gay organization, it fell to the floor in tatters to be chewed on by the 15 cats who also make this lovely B&B their home. After everyone had gone off to their acupressure sessions or to help Meg in the kitchen (she chums her own butter using a battery-operated device that I'd never before seen--in a kitchen), I sat down and pieced together some of the research we'd come across. I knew you'd want to hear all about it.

Basically, it boils down to this:

Characters we will be seeing on TV this year

* The wacky gay neighbor/coworker/ buddy, always in the whitest running shoes, dispensing fa-a-abulosities. Openly gay but enjoys sex only off-camera.

* Gymbots, well-built but on drugs and pictured only in gyms or discos. They enjoy sex on-camera but never in bed, or if in bed, beds with mirrors and a revolving pedestal.

* Older gay men in varying stages of decay from an unnamed disease.

* Lesbian mothers in custody battles with ex-husbands, sperm donors, or the evil parents of their dead girlfriends.

* Gorgeous male models who have no interest whatsoever in Sarah Jessica Parker.

Some shows we won't be seeing

* Climb Every Mountain, about a rugged, masculine, tooth-bonded gay mountain climber whose partner was killed by homophobic Sherpa. Focus groups have apparently shown that gay mountain climbers should remain in the closet so as to avoid problems with homophobic Sherpas. It's a culture thing.

* The Golden Guys, focusing on a lusty old gay couple who squeeze each other's ass. Think George and Barbara Bush, but they're both guys. He is a neurosurgeon, and he is CEO of a company that makes tools and wrenches. We all know people like this in real life, but who'd believe it?

* Wings Over America: Tales of derring-do by gay Eagle scouts, including how they serve as positive role models for kids who feel different, even straight

kids.

* The E! True Hollywood Story: The West Wing, in which openly gay members of the Bush administration talk about how they plan on making a difference.

* The Imperial Court of San Bernardino Pageant, that drag perennial, crowning the Grand Occidental Wizardina of the Millennium, known in private life as Julio Rodriguez of the Cactus Vista trailer park in Hemet.

* Breakfast at Tiffany's, a remake in which the jewelry clerks and bridal registry department exchange information on who's buying what for whom and for how much.

* Heather Has Two Mommies, featuring a wacky straight neighbor with early-onset Alzheimer's who keeps forgetting which of Heather's mommies he keeps hitting on. Not that he gets much action from either.

Edgy but not much else. The shards of paper got too small to make out the rest, but I think it's clear that when and if Gay TV becomes a reality, we have more than enough stuff that isn't being dealt with anywhere else on the dish to keep us glued 24-7. We return you now to this month's edition of In the Life.