I Need a Ford Excursion.
I need a Ford Excursion. It's at my local Ford dealer and it's what I've been waiting for.
I knew it the moment I saw the description--"suburban assault vehicle"--in the news reports. I live in the suburbs. I need an assault vehicle.
The 2000 Excursion weighs 3.5 tons and measures nearly nineteen feet long. I need it.
It comes with a cowcatcher cow·catch·er
The metal grille or frame projecting from the front of a locomotive and serving to clear the track of obstructions.
US & Canad attached beneath the front bumper so small cars can't pass me beneath my axles. But I need to find out how fast a Volkswagen New Beetle The Volkswagen New Beetle is a compact car introduced by Volkswagen in 1998, drawing heavily on the design cues of the original Beetle. Based on a Volkswagen Golf, the "retro" design proved to be more successful in some markets than in others. can do on the highway with a 7,000-pound truck a half-inch from its taillights.
I need to make peanut butter and jelly sandwiches while driving so I don't starve; there's just no time to worry about the traffic or the bends in the road ahead. With the Excursion I'll just turn on the cruise control and I can pay properly close attention to my meal or take a well-deserved nap without fear that anything that gets in my way will stop me. I need to feel safe.
I need a Ford Excursion because it gets twelve miles to the gallon. The Sierra Club Sierra Club, national organization in the United States dedicated to the preservation and expansion of the world's parks, wildlife, and wilderness areas. Founded (1892) in California by a group led by the Scottish-American conservationist John Muir, the Sierra Club calls it "a garbage truck that dumps into the sky." Dan Becker, director of the club's global-warming program, is quoted in news reports as saying, "This will be the most polluting truck on the road and will set a new low for Detroit."
The Excursion has six doors and is six and a half feet wide. I have a parakeet parakeet or parrakeet, common name for a widespread group of small parrots, native to the Indo-Malayan region and popular as cage birds. Parakeets have long, pointed tails, unlike the chunky lovebirds with which they are sometimes confused. and sometimes have to drive it to the pet store when it needs its toenails trimmed. I need the space.
There are three engines available. I need all three but I'll settle for the biggest: the optional V-10. My driveway is on an incline; you can tell because the rain runs toward the street. I need the power.
No doubt there are individuals who'll say that my need for an Excursion is a Freudian matter. Those who say such things are pathetic, envious people who don't qualify for a second home mortgage and so can't drive an Excursion themselves. And let me assure you, Freud has nothing to do with it. I need an Excursion. I need it because the neighbors have to see the big bulge in my garage door. I need it because it's long and hard. And I need to flip it into four-wheel drive and thrust forward, ever forward, and ram deep, deep--oh, so deep--into moaning, shuddering woods where no truck has gone before.
Did you know that the Ford Motor Company didn't display its new Excursion at automobile shows this past spring for fear of a bad reaction from the public. What does this tell you? The message it conveys is that, for all the outcry that America is becoming too permissive with its children (which may well be the case), it's hardly noticed that society has become far too bossy bossy
1. in dog conformation, used to describe overdevelopment of the shoulder muscles.
2. vernacular pet name for a cow. with its adults. Frequently this takes the form of social pressure to engage only in approved activities, and often this institutional authoritarianism takes the form of the passage of bad, restrictive laws, like those against streaking at sporting events. We still give lip service to the notion that our nation is a land of liberty, but that has largely ceased to be true. The Dan Beckers of this world--and there are many--have nearly taken over.
This relates not only to Bill of Rights issues, such as the incendiary question of flag-burning, but to the erosion of ordinary, everyday liberties. Ninety years ago people ingested in·gest
tr.v. in·gest·ed, in·gest·ing, in·gests
1. To take into the body by the mouth for digestion or absorption. See Synonyms at eat.
2. cocaine in soda pop; now you can get a prison term for the same thing. Fifty years ago a fur coat was a nice thing that kept you warm during the cold winter; today it's still warm but amateur Mussolinis, who enjoy pushing around human beings by feigning deep concern about mindless beasts, have intimidated pelt pelt
the undressed, raw skin of a wild animal with the fur in place. If from a sheep or goat there is a short growth of wool or mohair on the skin. owners to the point where you hardly ever see a fur coat in the winter. Forty years ago the means of disciplining your children was your business as long as you didn't do any physical harm; today it's an orthodox dictum that spanking spanking Pediatrics Corporal punishment, usually of children, in which the buttocks, are pummeled, swatted, or otherwise struck. See Corporal punishment Sexology Slapping, usually of the buttocks as a part of sexuoerotic activity. Cf Sadomasochism. is abuse.
Twenty years TWENTY YEARS. The lapse of twenty years raises a presumption of certain facts, and after such a time, the party against whom the presumption has been raised, will be required to prove a negative to establish his rights.
2. ago you could unbuckle your seat belt if you wanted, you could smoke indoors if you chose. At the beginning of the decade computer hacking was a learning experience for college students. Now all these behaviors can be crimes.
What can we do about this? At a minimum, we should take back our little share of this country by openly doing as we please. For me that's going to be cruising the interstate in the biggest gas pig I can get on credit--a wasteful, expensive, polluting rolling meat locker that's frowned upon by every ideologue i·de·o·logue
An advocate of a particular ideology, especially an official exponent of that ideology.
[French idéologue, back-formation from idéologie, ideology; see and rulie who thinks there's a right way and a wrong way to do everything.
For you it might be something else. If you don't feel like toting separated glass in a plastic box to the curb on garbage day, go ahead and pitch those recyclables in with the rest of the garbage. If you want to toss a Snickers
Snickers is a sweet bar made by Mars, Incorporated. wrapper on the side of the highway, feel free. If it appeals to you to let your lawn grow wild or smoke some smuggled smug·gle
v. smug·gled, smug·gling, smug·gles
1. To import or export without paying lawful customs charges or duties.
2. To bring in or take out illicitly or by stealth. Cuban cigars or light a row of fire-crackers or have rock candy and Jack Daniels for dinner, go right ahead. And if you don't want to do these things but your neighbor does, shut up--it's no concern of yours, Buttinski.
Do your patriotic duty to behave as you wish--as long as it doesn't hurt anyone else. Life is short, particularly if you see me in your rear view mirror. Because I'll be driving a Ford Excursion.
Clifford Falk is an attorney in private practice in Niagara Falls, New York Niagara Falls is a city in Niagara County, New York, United States. As of the 2000 census, the city had a total population of 55,593. It is across the Niagara River from Niagara Falls, Ontario, both named after the famed Niagara Falls which they share. .