I'm a Mr. Mom - and proud of it!

Stay-at-home dads face many challenges--and reap many rewards!

I remember the morning the tiny pink dot on the pregnancy test changed my life. Now almost five years after that fateful morning--and two boys later--I still don't have a clue as to how women do it. As for me, I have total and complete respect for women and motherhood. Don't get me wrong; I think I make a great dad. It's the mom part that I'm still having a little trouble with.

I work at home as an entrepeneur, while my wife is an administrator. This was socially acceptable at first, since our roles were more or less clearly defined. But when our first son came, all the rules changed. (What are those rules anyway?)

No words can adequately describe to a man what a woman feels when she goes through nine months of pregnancy. No woman can fully understand just what a man goes through either. This often is forgotten in all the books, magazine articles, and pregnancy preparation classes, but I want it to be clear that it s no day at the beach for men.

In the beginning I had to be the pillar the rock, the source of strength for my wife. I rarely would talk about my fears and feelings. Would the baby be all right? Would it look like me--or be like me? Would I be a good father? What character traits do I want to straighten out while I still have the chance? Can I really do the diaper thing? Can we afford this baby? Feelings of euphoria, fear, depression, panic, and resignation visited me daily and ultimately became my friends. I later found out that these were actually NORMAL feelings!

I managed to capture "The Event" on tape. I don't remember much else except that the birth was incredible. The sound of my son's deep voice was stunning. My emotions flowed freely. They still do; only they're different now.

Now they're connected to basic questions. How do you balance discipline, patience, and love? How do you keep from creaming the kid when he/she has just creamed the VCR? There are days when I fully understand how some parents resort to severe punishment. There is a very fine line between being in control and losing control--especially after stepping on a Lego with my bare foot, or finding a crayon "original" on the TV cabinet or kitchen wall.

I know a dad can never replace a mom, yet I am still learning to cope with my self-imposed guilt of being a home while my wife works. So I cook, I clean, I wash, I do dishes, I feed, I teach, I play, I scream in frustration, I answer the phone (mostly from clients who are usually understanding when I have to ask my son--calmly--to stop climbing up the bookcase), I listen to my wife's problems at work, I shop for groceries, I iron clothes, I referee the boys at play, I take the kids to the park, I mop floors, I clean, I cook.... (Did I say that already?)

So how do you find the time for your children, your spouse, God, and yourself? What about the housework? How much bleach do you put in the almost-white load? Do I use Woolite or Tide? What about my own work--my clients? Why on earth do those little jars of peas taste so bad? Such questions inevitably conjure up deep feelings in men who are redefining their manhood while being at home. I constantly struggle with these questions when the boys are demanding their mommy more and wanting to see me less.

My love life, as I knew it, changed --permanently. Now there is that little matter of being interrupted when the door is closed or on Sunday mornings (our time alone) with questions like "Mommy ... whatcha doin?" or "Barney is over; can I have fun with you now?"

Then there are those Kodak moments of male bonding when my eldest son is beaming with pride just because he and his dad are both able to stand before the "throne" together--as men (he congratulates me happily, saying, "That's very good daddy! You did a great job! Can I flush?").

"There are as many as 2 million fathers staying home with their children today," according to Peter Baylies of North Andover, Massachusetts, who puts out a quarterly newspaper for fathers called At-Home Dad. Baylies says "the big three" that send fathers back to work are isolation, loss of income, and being stuck with the "Mr. Mom" label. A lot of at-home dads want information that women seem to come by naturally through play groups and support systems.

Look, there are no easy answers, no right way or wrong way, no textbook, no rules. Societal pressures on men who choose to stay home and take care of their kids are enormous. There is so little support or understanding from family, friends, or business associates, and even less support for men who choose this lifestyle by men who don't. You are blazing new territory every day.

One of the hardest adjustments for men to make is that if you do well at the office, you are rewarded. An at-home dad doesn't get immediate rewards for successfully bleaching out Garden Patch Dinner stains (another disgusting baby food flavor) or vacuuming dust balls from under the bed. However, the flip side is that the boss won't yell at you if you don't get around to washing the dishes or for missing garbage night. In fact, she just may wrap her arms around you and say you are the greatest. Now, that's what I call a great Performance Review!

I've learned that the best reward (besides my wife's) for me is that my children will grow up having a fighting chance at meeting the world a little better emotionally prepared--that they may have a greater opportunity to know that God, their mom, and their dad will always be there for them.

Today, even after a long day at the office, my wife came home and saw that I was having "one of those days." She moved right in and took over with the boys. With a glance she noticed that I hadn't combed my hair, brushed my teeth, or even gotten out of my bathrobe for the day. It's the hardest job I'll ever do--but I still wouldn't have it any other way. No paycheck could buy this experience.

Milton Nebblett, Jr., is a freelance writer and communication consultant living in Lanbam, Maryland.