I'm Seeking Asylum, Too.

Hello, my name is Christian Connor. I'm six years old, and I'm seeking asylum, too. I don't like living in Flint, Michigan, and want to live in France instead. Paris, to be exact, the 17th Arrondissemont, near this great pastry shop where they have chocolate crescent rolls as big as my head.

My dad lives there with his new wife, Marguerite, and they have puppies and the new SEGA Dreamcast, and it's a lot better than here because when I'm with my dad I don't have to go to day care, which is icky because the other kids are dumb-asses and don't even know how to speak French. My mom has to work all the time in Michigan, and it gets really really cold, and I don't like it cuz it stinks. No, really, it does, all the time. Like burning garbage or something.

And in France they don't have real potties but these holes in the ground you poop into, and it's cool, and you can bring your doggies right inside the restaurants, and they eat with you. And, oh yeah, the government here is more strict like Nurse Ratched at Wee Pals Day Care, and they let you play with more toys over there, and the cheese is better, too. Not as good as where my cousins live in Wisconsin, but even mom says she wouldn't live there if they paid her. So, please let me go to France, and put me on TV, too. That's way cool.

* Berkeley, California, where seventeen Senegalese dancers from the Ballet D'Afrique Noire disappeared from their national tour. Some folks suspect a mass defection attempt. Others speculate it's another typical example of Riverdance's ruthless recruitment techniques.

John McCain has truly gone where no man has gone before. He admitted he compromised his principles out of political self-interest and didn't really believe the Confederate flag should be flying over the South Carolina statehouse but weenied out on the subject because he was afraid his true opinion would lose him the primary, which happened anyway. Turns out when he said, "I will tell the truth no matter what," it was incomplete. The full phrase was: "I will tell the truth no matter what, as long as it doesn't affect my chance to win," which is what we all assumed he meant in the first place.

This self-guided tour to the political woodshed is unprecedented for a politician not retired or on promotional tour flacking some chokingly stale memoirs.

Other campaign honor lapses John McCain has admitted to:

* Got through those New Hampshire town hall meetings by picturing everybody naked.

* Was physically ill every time I got on that damn bus with the media swimming over me like rats in a tiger cage.

* Hair isn't really gray. Had it touched up to attract hot older women with daddy complexes.

* Indian Wells, California, which has to be the happy hunting grounds for polyester pants. Where all the V-neckedsweaters go to die.

Simply because this is an annum divisible by four, we're forced to watch the spectacle of excessively dressed white men leapfrogging each other to claim which misdemeanor they'd be willing to publicly ice somebody for. Al Gore favors the death penalty, while Pat Buchanan thinks it should be applied to anybody who makes fun of his sister's hair. George W. says he wants to strengthen it. The hell does that mean? How does one go about strengthening the death penalty? Does he plan on administering it twice? Have do-overs? Fake-outs? Maybe the audio track of continuous episodes of Suddenly Susan piped into the chamber in lieu of gas.

* San Francisco, California, where the meaning of the American Dream is finding a two-bedroom apartment for less than the average mortgage payment on a small subdivision in Sheboygan, Wisconsin.

My long-form census:

Q: How long is your average commute to work?

A: Eighteen hours. Three bridges, four buses, two shuttles, a rickshaw, and then I get dragged by a team of diseased goats for the last block. Q: Toasters?

A: Two functioning toasters, one toaster oven, and a long fork we use to burn bread in the fireplace. The number of toasters almost makes up for the fact we have no west wall.

Q: How many rooms in your house?

A: 1/2. See question above about no west wall.

Q: How many dependents in your domicile?

A: You talking to me? You talking to me? Ain't nobody else around. You talking to me?

Will Durst answered every question legitimately.