How to not go pro.

ALL SKATEBOARD KIDS dream of turning pro, don't they? I know I did. Who wouldn't want to be a pro skateboarder? The traveling, the free stuff, the not having to sit behind a desk or a counter or a computer for eight hours a day. It's sort of like being an athletic rock star, complete with leather jackets and ties worn around your head. But at some point I realized that I was never going to be good enough at riding skateboards to join the elite ranks of pro style. So if you're looking for advice on how to turn pro, I'd suggest asking a pro skateboarder. Maybe Rick Howard? That dude seems pretty nice. But if you need some advice on how not to turn pro, I got your ass covered.

1. FIND OUT who the team manager is for a company and send them a sponsor-me tape that doesn't have any skating on it, but instead has footage of you dressed up in your sister's pajamas singing Billy Joel songs to a frozen turkey.

2. GET A BUNCH of rollerblade logos tattooed on your face and neck. Because that shit's super hard to market. Even in an ironically stupid kind of way. Not like leather vests and moustaches.

3. TAKE RAZOR WIRE and saw off both of your feet. Because even if the doctors put them back on you're probably going to have trouble with your hardflips from there on out. I don't know this for sure, but it seems like you would, doesn't it?

4. IF YOU'RE ALREADY AM for a company, then a surefire way not to turn pro is to sleep with the wife of the dude who's running the company. Because when you do shit like that you immediately get placed in the "fuckface file." Dudes in the fuckface file rarely go pro.

5. SPEND ALL YOUR TIME getting really good at skating pools. Because even though that shit is super hard and totally awesome, in general people really don't give two shits about it. Maybe it's time for Dog Town Part II Electric Surfin' Dude to come out.

6. GO TO THE ASR TRADE SHOW and introduce yourself to all of the industry dudes. And immediately after shaking their hands, throw a warm glass of piss in their faces. (Don't really do this. Sometimes I have to go to those events and I'm totally anti warm piss in my face.)

7. SEND A LETTER OUT to California before you move there telling everybody to "get ready" for your arrival on the scene. That way, even if you do go pro, your contract will probably include some sort of yard dart endorsement stipulation.

8. LEARN ONLY THREE TRICKS (ollies, 360 flips, and nose wheelies) and skate nothing but backyard ramps and ditches. Trust me. This was the route I took and it's damn near impossible to make a sponsor-me video when that's the variety pack you have to choose from.

9. AND IN THE SAME BOAT, go ahead and wear a sports coat and skate nothing but stairs and rails. Because not only has that shit been done, but it's about to be the same thing as showing up to a spot and doing street plants. You know, some vintage type shit.

10. LASTLY, YOU'RE NEVER going to go pro if you sit in your house all day reading message boards and being a hateful little fuck on the internet. You get what you give. And if all you're giving is shit, then that's exactly what you're gonna get. Whoa dude, I think I just turned into my dad. Sweet.