How to make things awkward at a urinal.

SO IF YOU READ last month's issue, you know that my buddy David Dittmeyer is helping me with the column now. I asked him to read some of my most recent articles, you know, to tell me what he thought.

"So all you write about now is skateboarding?" was pretty much all he had to say. You see, when David and I were working together on our skate 'zine, we prided ourselves on almost never talking about skateboarding. We let the other skate 'zines talk about skateboarding. We talked about shit like Murder She Wrote and barbiturates. I guess when I got hired by Thrasher, I sort of forgot my roots. I'm not saying that I'm not ever going to write about skateboards anymore, I'm just saying I'm going to do my best to expand not only my own mind, but yours as well. Welcome to the future. I hope it doesn't suck.

So I asked Dittmeyer what our first column together should be about, and he said, "How about how to make things awkward at a urinal?"

So here we go. Here's how to make things awkward when you're at a urinal. I guess we should clarify that we're talking about multiple urinals with multiple dudes. If you're at a urinal all by yourself and want to make things awkward, try not unzipping your zipper.

ASK THE DUDE next to you, "Is yours all bumpy? Mine's like a pickle with warts. Whatupwitdat?" Then try to slap the dude a high five.

OR YOU COULD PINCH your nose real exaggerated like, and exclaim, "God damn, these blood clots stink. Can you smell them over there? Smells like barbecue sauce and vomit."

WHISPER TO THE DUDE next to you, "What do you do if poop comes out? You don't have a handkerchief I can borrow, do you?" Then fake cry a little bit.

YOU COULD ALSO BRING in a big ass smoked turkey leg from a carnival and just eat the shit out of that thing while you're pissing. Be sure to ask the dudes on each side of you if they want to "get up on it."

ASK THE DUDE to your left, "Hey buddy, do your dicks ever get tangled up together? Mine are like a freaking Bavarian pretzel over here."

IF YOU REALLY WANT to make things awkward, try rubbing the dude's back that's next to you while saying, "Ever since the wife died I just can't seem to stop murdering strangers. Wanna grab some lunch?"

OR BRING IN A CAN of (open) Spaghettios and reach over and throw them in your neighbor's urinal while he's pissing and then yell, "Hey everybody, look! This freak is pissing Spaghettios! Who wants to dance?"

WAIT, THIS ONE'S GOOD. When you get up to the urinal, just get completely buck ass naked to take your piss. You don't even have to say anything. But you could hum a David Lee Roth tune if you're nervous.

YOU COULD ALSO TUCK your junk between your legs and bend over and try to piss while facing away from the urinal. I don't know if that's possible, but it would probably be pretty sucky to see somebody trying it.

WHAT ELSE? You could just cruise up to a urinal that somebody is already using and squeeze yourself in and start pissing. Throw your arm around the dude and say some shit like, "Isn't it great being a dude!?"

Note: if you actually try any of this shit, don't mention my name or Thrasher if you get arrested. Take full credit for the idea(s) yourself. I won't mind. Also, if you just finished reading this article and are totally grossed out, blame the Dittmeyer. The dude is kind of fucked in the head.