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How to make things awkward at a urinal.


SO IF YOU READ last month's issue, you know that my buddy David Dittmeyer is helping me with the column now. I asked him to read some of my most recent articles, you know, to tell me what he thought.

"So all you write about now is skateboarding?" was pretty much all he had to say. You see, when David and I were working together on our skate 'zine, we prided ourselves on almost never talking about skateboarding. We let the other skate 'zines talk about skateboarding. We talked about shit like Murder She Wrote and barbiturates Barbiturates Definition

Barbiturates are medicines that act on the central nervous system and cause drowsiness and can control seizures.
Purpose
. I guess when I got hired by Thrasher thrasher: see mimic thrush.
thrasher

Any of 17 species (family Mimidae) of New World songbirds that have a downcurved bill and are noted for noisily foraging on the ground in dense thickets and for loud, varied songs.
, I sort of forgot my roots. I'm not saying that I'm not ever going to write about skateboards anymore, I'm just saying I'm going to do my best to expand not only my own mind, but yours as well. Welcome to the future. I hope it doesn't suck.

So I asked Dittmeyer what our first column together should be about, and he said, "How about how to make things awkward at a urinal urinal /uri·nal/ (u?ri-n'l) a receptacle for urine.

u·ri·nal
n.
A vessel into which urine is passed.
?"

So here we go. Here's how to make things awkward when you're at a urinal. I guess we should clarify that we're talking about multiple urinals with multiple dudes. If you're at a urinal all by yourself and want to make things awkward, try not unzipping your zipper zipper

Device for binding the edges of an opening, as on a garment or a bag. A zipper consists of two strips of material with metal or plastic teeth along the edges, and a sliding piece that interlocks the teeth when moved in one direction and separates them again when moved
.

ASK THE DUDE next to you, "Is yours all bumpy? Mine's like a pickle with warts. Whatupwitdat?" Then try to slap the dude a high five.

OR YOU COULD PINCH your nose real exaggerated like, and exclaim ex·claim  
v. ex·claimed, ex·claim·ing, ex·claims

v.intr.
To cry out suddenly or vehemently, as from surprise or emotion: The children exclaimed with excitement.

v.
, "God damn, these blood clots Blood Clots Definition

A blood clot is a thickened mass in the blood formed by tiny substances called platelets. Clots form to stop bleeding, such as at the site of cut.
 stink. Can you smell them over there? Smells like barbecue sauce and vomit."

WHISPER TO THE DUDE next to you, "What do you do if poop Poop

A slang term often used to describe people with insider information.

Notes:
Not the most illustrious name.
See also: Insider Information
 comes out? You don't have a handkerchief I can borrow, do you?" Then fake cry a little bit.

YOU COULD ALSO BRING in a big ass smoked turkey leg from a carnival and just eat the shit out of that thing while you're pissing. Be sure to ask the dudes on each side of you if they want to "get up on it."

ASK THE DUDE to your left, "Hey buddy, do your dicks ever get tangled up together? Mine are like a freaking freak·ing  
adv. & adj. Slang
Used as an intensive: Traffic was a freaking nightmare.



[Alteration of frigging, present participle of frig.]
 Bavarian pretzel over here."

IF YOU REALLY WANT to make things awkward, try rubbing the dude's back that's next to you while saying, "Ever since the wife died I just can't seem to stop murdering strangers. Wanna grab some lunch?"

OR BRING IN A CAN of (open) Spaghettios and reach over and throw them in your neighbor's urinal while he's pissing and then yell, "Hey everybody, look! This freak is pissing Spaghettios! Who wants to dance?"

WAIT, THIS ONE'S GOOD. When you get up to the urinal, just get completely buck ass naked to take your piss. You don't even have to say anything. But you could hum a David Lee Roth tune if you're nervous.

YOU COULD ALSO TUCK your junk between your legs and bend over and try to piss while facing away from the urinal. I don't know Don't know (DK, DKed)

"Don't know the trade." A Street expression used whenever one party lacks knowledge of a trade or receives conflicting instructions from the other party.
 if that's possible, but it would probably be pretty sucky to see somebody trying it.

WHAT ELSE? You could just cruise up to a urinal that somebody is already using and squeeze yourself in and start pissing. Throw your arm around the dude and say some shit like, "Isn't it great being a dude!?"

Note: if you actually try any of this shit, don't mention my name or Thrasher if you get arrested. Take full credit for the idea(s) yourself. I won't mind. Also, if you just finished reading this article and are totally grossed out, blame the Dittmeyer. The dude is kind of fucked in the head.
COPYRIGHT 2006 High Speed Productions, Inc
No portion of this article can be reproduced without the express written permission from the copyright holder.
Copyright 2006, Gale Group. All rights reserved. Gale Group is a Thomson Corporation Company.

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Article Details
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Author:Sieben, Michael
Publication:Thrasher
Date:Sep 1, 2006
Words:628
Previous Article:Jake Duncombe, banned from USA, sneaks into country in disguise.
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