How to get the job.

LET'S FACE IT. Most of us are never going to make it as a skateboarder. And by "make it" I mean earn a living wage riding a skateboard. Don't let that bum you out, though; there's lots of other ways to make money. Cooking fried chickens, mopping dirty floors, analyzing statistical data, operating heavy machinery, serving alcoholic beverages. But before you can perform any of these jobs you're most likely going to have to go through some sort of interview process. Which can be pretty stressful. The good news is I've compiled a list of things not to do in order to make sure you get the job. Easy cheesy nice and greasy!

1 WHEN YOUR INTERVIEWER asks you if you brought your resume, don't pull out your genitals and pretend like you're playing the electric guitar with them. That never works. Never.

2 IF YOU ARE ASKED, "What could you bring to our company?" don't answer: "A whole shitload of Valium and a fair amount of decent grade marijuana."

3 DON'T BRING a briefcase with you and halfway through the interview open it up to reveal that it contains a bunch of underwear covered with strawberry preserves. Trust me, that isn't going to impress anybody.

4 DON'T BRING a backpack with you and pull out a six-pack and a jam box halfway during the interview and start shotgunning beers while listening to Dio. I know it's fun, but do that shit on your own time.

5 IF YOUR INTERVIEWER asks you what qualifications you have for the position, don't say: "Well, I'm qualified to beat the living shit out of your preppy ass!" because that's just going to generate unneeded tension.

6 IF YOU ABSOLUTELY have to urinate at some point during the interview, don't just whip it out and try to piss underneath your interviewer's desk unnoticed. Trust me, they're going to notice. Every single time.

7 DON'T LEAVE half a joint tucked behind your ear when you go in for your interview. Either smoke that whole dude before entering the building or just leave it in your ashtray for later. There's no need to carry.

8 DON'T BRING a Sharpie with you and tag "Balls Butt" on your interviewer's desk. Because even if they don't see you do it, they'll probably figure out it was you when you leave. And plus, "Balls Butt" just sounds stupid, man.

9 IF AT ANY POINT during the interview you are asked what your future goals are, don't say: "Drinking four forties in one night without puking and then practicing making babies on Paris Hilton!" Just don't do that. C'mon man!

10 AND LASTLY (and this one is important), if the night before your interview you got wasted and your friends drew penises all over your face and you can't get them to go away, just reschedule your interview. I'm being serious. Nobody is going to hire somebody with penises drawn all over their face. I know that's rough, but that's the real world my friend. It's hard out there (no pun intended). No, actually I totally made a boner joke.

Note: I know there are some of you out there who just know that you're going to beat the odds and make skateboard stardom. And shit, you might just be right. It does happen. But if you're over eight years old and still can't hardflip to backside lipslide down an eight-stair rail then I'd go ahead and read the above words just to be safe. Seriously. You're competing with that little dreadlock kid. Don't forget.