How to be a "skateboard artist".

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THE TERM "skateboard artist?" If not, then get with it, man. Skateboard artists are like, totally cool right now. And it's super easy to be a skateboard artist. Trust me dudes, I'd know. Because I'm like, totally a skateboard artist myself. So how do you become a skateboard artist? Shit man, I thought you'd never ask.

1. Paint on old skateboards.

For real. When you're finished riding your deck, take it apart and paint on that thing. That way if somebody asks you if you're a skateboard artist you can show them your deck painting and say, "like, duh! How else would I have a skateboard to paint on."

2. Make some drawing 'zines.

Don't worry if you're not good at drawing. It's actually more popular these days to draw badly. If you're having trouble thinking of stuff to draw, feel free to use any of these popular themes: unicorns, deer, nike shoes, shooting stars, bubble lettering, rappers, diamonds, or brass knuckles.

3. Get that website up.

If you don't want to build your own website then just put up a user gallery at fecalface.com. If possible, get a job with a magazine so you can sneak your URL into an article (msieben.com) for maximum exposure.

4. Dress a little quirky.

If all your skateboard friends are wearing jeans, then wear slacks. Maybe buy a funny little hat or grow a moustache too. And don't be afraid to get a woman's hairdo. It worked for Warhol, right?

5. Start some sort of limited edition T-shirt company.

If you are unsure what to print on your shirts, just find a picture of Burt Reynolds and stick it on there. Write something weird under Burt, like "Moustache Fever." Sell your shirts for no less than 40 bucks a piece. (Note: you better order American Apparel or a similar brand that makes the thinner fitting shirts. Your skateboard artist peers are not going to stand for any of that Beefy T bullshit.)

6. Have an art show.

All you need is some white walls, a ton of shitty beer, and friends that want to drink your beer. Don't expect to sell any of your art work though. Skateboard artists' friends usually spend their money on drugs and booze, not art. Be sure to walk around your art show and tell people that you're one of the artists. That way they can at least feign interest while drinking your beer.

7. Pick one of the following three videos as your "all time favorite":

The first Blind video, the first Stereo video, or the first Alien Workshop video.

8. Pick one of the following three skateboarders as your "all time favorite":

Neil Blender, Mark Gonzales, or Ed Templeton.

9. Move to LA, NYC, or SF.

Pack up your Buick and hit the road. All three of those cities are in dire need of more skateboard artist types to invade their shores. Expect warm welcomes and high fives from the established residents. (Be sure to wear your white belt so they'll know you're "in the club.")

10. Quit skating.

What? Yeah, you heard right. Now that you're a skateboard artist, you really don't need to worry about that skateboarding thing eating up your time. And if you get interviewed by a magazine and they ask you if you still skate, don't panic. Just cut and paste one of these answers: "Lately I've been too busy with my projects." "I still cruise around a little, you know?" or "Oh man, it used to be my life. I've got a board that I'm about to put together."

Well shit, that should pretty much get you up and running. If you're ever in Austin track me down and let me know how the skateboard artist life is treating you. I'll be the dude at the art gallery with the Tom Selleck shirt on talking about how I used to "shred those ditches."

(Note, after I finished this article I realized I had left off a few key tips." Buy a Holga and a Super 8 camera, wear low top Chuck Taylor's, you're gonna need a record player, tattoos recommended but not required, and buy some sort of man purse or satchel or something.)

(Note, I just realized that by telling you how to become a skateboard artist I'm running the risk of increasing the competition in an already fierce market. On second thought, don't become a skateboard artist. Become a skateboard photographer instead. I'll talk to Michael Burnett about writing up a how-to, because my only tip would be to push the big button on your digital camera when the dude you're shooting is at maximum rad.)