How to Talk With Kids About Tough Issues.

Parents play a key role in helping their children learn to face life's challenges.

A mother from Fort Lauderdale, Florida, tells of arranging a funeral for her beautiful 21-year-old daughter." The cause of death: AIDS. "A parent could not have wished for a more loving, talented, and motivated child," she says. A moment of youthful indiscretion and recklessness caused her to contract the AIDS virus. The young man with whom she hoped to spend the rest of her life also became infected.

The emotional impact on that woman's family was considerable. "You cannot imagine the toll this has taken on our entire family. She had three younger siblings, the youngest being 11 years old. Our heartbreak and sorrow have been overwhelming." Not only did the mother have to deal with her daughter's illness, but she had to explain AIDS to the younger siblings: how it is contracted, how it can be prevented, and the terrible end result when AIDS cannot be successfully treated.

That woman is a prime example of the fact that today's children face a wide range of tough issues, including death, divorce, terrorism, drugs, alcoholism, sex, homosexuality, war, famine, sexual abuse, suicide, and AIDS. Teaching children about the "real world" is harder than ever. Here are ways to talk about tough issues in a way that your kids will listen and learn.

* Maintain openness to your children. Do all you can to convey to your children that you are open and available to hear their questions on any topic at any time. If children sense parents are closed to them and their concerns, they will seek answers from their peers and frequently acquire inaccurate information. This will result in children becoming anxious, confused, and ill-prepared to deal with life's stresses and strains. So, put clown your newspaper and turn off the TV. Stop doing chores for a few moments. Put aside all other thoughts and activities in order to listen to your kids. Be guided by this biblical insight: "Teach your children to choose the right path, and when they are older, they will remain upon it" (Proverbs 22:6, NLT).(*)

* Become an authority. Before giving advice or counsel, be sure you know what you are talking about. Your children will be more apt to listen and take you seriously if your response to their question is an informed one. Be guided by this advice from child psychologist 

Charles E. Schaefer, Ph.D. In his book How to Talk to Children About Really Important Things he writes: "To be effective in giving advice or counsel, you have to establish yourself as an expert on the subject in the eyes of your child; that is, a person with superior knowledge and/or experience. So, before offering advice on a topic such as sex or alcoholism, you should read up on these topics. Your opinion will be more credible if you offer supporting evidence instead of just stating your view."

If your child brings up a topic with which you are unfamiliar or uncomfortable, the best way to become comfortable and familiar is to do some research. Thank your child for bringing up the issue, and explain you need to think about it a little more. Then visit a library or bookstore and read up on the issue. As soon as you feel better informed, bring up the topic again with your child.

* Listen to the little stuff. That advice is given by Harvard Medical School psychgologist Lawrence Kutner, Ph.D., who says: "Kids will talk to you if they know you're going to listen. Sometimes they will talk about heavy issues like sex and drugs. Other times--most times--they'll talk about everyday things like schoolwork, their friends, and what's for dinner. If your kids know you're listening to the little things, they're more likely to trust you enough to talk about the big things."

Don't rush your children or appear impatient as they speak. Let them narrate the issue at their pace. As you listen, practice the biblical virtue of patience, keeping in mind this word from the apostle: "Love is patient and kind" (1 Corinthians 13:4, NLT). Also, consider the wisdom of this insight from evangelist Billy Graham: "Many children are afraid to go to their parents for counsel. Parents many times treat children as children when they often need to be talked to like grown-ups."

* Be clear and concise. Get right to the point. Use simple, concrete language that is age-appropriate to your child. Children must not be overloaded and overwhelmed with explanations. They need and want simple, straightforward answers to questions and issues they are struggling with.

* Employ thought-provoking questions. This technique is especially effective when you need to challenge a child's behavior or provide a different perspective. Here is an example provided by Robert Schwebel, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist with a specialty in substance abuse. In his book Saying No Is Not Enough Schwebel tells of counseling a 16-year-old girl who was smoking marijuana and drinking alcohol on a regular basis.

"Her drug use was clearly creating problems for her in school and at home, yet she was boldly proclaiming the merits of drugs," he recalls. "She focused on how great she felt when she was high." Schwebel successfully changed the focus with this conversation, which began with two thought-provoking questions:

"`Is there another side to this? Do you ever worry about your drug use?' Taken aback, she admitted she had worried, then added: `But I don't dwell on it.'

"`It's unpleasant to think about, isn't it?'I asked.

"`Yeah,' she said.

"`But not thinking about it doesn't make it go away, does it?'

"`No, I guess I need to deal with it,' she said."

With that admission Schwebel was able to help the girl come to terms with her substance abuse. Because thought-provoking questions are so effective, Schwebel offers this list of questions, which he frequently uses in talking with teenagers:

* Is there another side to this?

* Do you worry about your drug use?

* Do you feel your drug use may be out of control?

* Have you thought about the potential dangers?

* Do you see any risks?

* Do you have any concerns?

* Apologize when you are wrong.

Some issues will trigger strong emotions in you as a parent. There can be a strong temptation to overreact or respond harshly and angrily. If that happens, quickly admit you were wrong, apologize, and ask to restart the conversation again. Gary Smalley, an author and authority on family relationships, tells of a conversation he had with his daughter, Kari, when she was 16. "I managed to close her spirit down in anger in just a few minutes," he recalls. The two of them were on their way to a high-school basketball game. Kari was excited because she would be meeting her boyfriend at the game. During the drive Kari casually broached her father saying of her boyfriend, "I'm really starting to like Roger. I think I love him. We've even talked about the possibility of getting married someday."

That brief bit of information caused the father to erupt in anger. "You've what?" he shouted. "I can take the love thing, but if you two are talking about marriage, that's where I draw the line! You're only 16 years old? From there the discussion became so heated that the father had to pull off the road and calm down. Meanwhile his daughter was in tears, fell silent, and stared out the window away from her father. They did not speak to each other again that evening.

The following day, when his emotions were cool and his mind thinking more clearly, Gary Smalley wrote this brief note to his daughter: "Dear Kari, Last night I made another major mistake. I was wrong to react the way I did. I love you. I would really appreciate another opportunity to hear about your feelings for Roger. Maybe you could tell me tonight. Love, Dad." Through that written apology, mutual respect was reestablished and communication was restored so father and daughter could continue their important conversation.

* Communicate your values.

Rather than simply bombard a child with "facts" about various issues such as drugs, alcohol, smoking, or sex, convey your own personal values and ethics. When it comes to young impressionable minds, remember that values are caught rather than taught. Let your children see your values in action. Let your deeds match your creeds. If you believe compassion is important, let your children see you act compassionately and kindly toward others. If you believe honesty is important, let your children see you deal honestly and with integrity toward everyone you encounter. If you believe infidelity is wrong, then be faithful and loving toward your spouse.

Making your beliefs clear to children provides them with a powerful role model and enables them to absorb your values for themselves. Then, as they face the tough issues of life, they are equipped to manage them in healthy and creative ways.

* Scripture quotations marked NLT are taken from the Holy Bible, New Living Translation, copyright [C] 1996. Used by permission of Tyndale House Publishers, Inc., Wheaton, Illinois 60189. All rights reserved.

Victor M. Parachin is a writer living in Tulsa, Oklahoma.