How the church can guide your marriage: a look at the church's growing marriage support movement.

Trouble in marriage is nothing new. Since divorce rates began rising in the 1960s, evidence of the high cost of all that wreckage--from increased poverty among children to increased depression among adults--has been mounting. The new trend is that in a handful of Catholic parishes and dioceses around the country, some church leaders are finding ways to support marriages beyond the last "I do."

With innovations that range from monthly anniversary celebrations for parish couples to regular advice via e-mail for the newly married, a cadre of lay leaders is guiding the church's nascent marriage education movement. They battle the same difficulties that challenge marriages: an unfriendly culture, couples short of time and money who are accustomed to seeing marriage as a private matter, and educational programs viewed as strictly for marriages in trouble.

"In America, marriage is very private," says Bridget Brennan, founder of the Cana Institute in St. Louis, which offers retreats, counseling, and other services to married and engaged couples. "The idea of coming to something--you'd only do that if you're desperate."

Still, like other innovators in this field, Brennan sees a great need for "wedding the spiritual and the practical" to help couples acquire the self-knowledge, interpersonal skills, and religious context that can help marriages flourish.

Brennan and others also see their services as a needed counterweight to a culture of The Bachelor or Joe Millionaire, starter marriages, and trophy wives, where marriage is yet another disposable product.

"You have the expectation in society: If it's broke, don't fix it," Brennan says, "buy another."

Building better bridges

For years, most U.S. Catholic parishes have required engaged couples to attend premarital programs before they can be married in the church. While programs like FOCCUS and PREP are a good start, they are not enough to sustain marriages over the long term, marriage activists say.

"It has a shelf life. It wears off after a few years," says Steve Beirne, who with his wife, Kathy, publishes the Foundations newsletter that is marled to 13,000 newly married couples every other month. Diocesan or parish programs for marriage preparation pay for most of the subscriptions.

"We can't wait for them to come to us," Beirne says. "We have to go to them."

Meanwhile, established programs like Marriage Encounter take more time and money than many couples have or are too structured in their approach. Marriage counseling often provides too little help too late.

"It seems like we go from prepare to repair ... and then you have divorce support groups," says William J. Doherty, director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at the University of Minnesota.

H. Richard McCord, director of the U.S. bishops' Secretariat for Family, Laity, Women and Youth in Washington, D.C., notes that the bishops' Committee on the Laity conducted a survey last year asking how parishes could better help lay Catholics "respond to their Christian call in the world."

Of 60,000 respondents, 20,000 suggested that parishes do more to help couples grow in their commitment to marriage. "There was more desire than there was reality," McCord explains. "It doesn't seem that it's on the radar screen for a lot of priests and social ministers. Marriage tends to be taken for granted."

In hopes that parish-based marriage programs can both overcome the common isolation of marriage and lead to greater community support for long-term unions, Doherty is helping two Catholic parishes in Minnesota design programs to support married parishioners. He expects that these couples will support others in turn.

At Pax Christi Catholic Community in Eden Prairie, Minnesota, the first project is a monthly celebration of anniversaries among parishioners, with renewal of vows and discussion of their experiences as married couples. Program leaders ask the celebrants to connect with engaged couples who will be married in their anniversary month.

With such programs, Doherty and others stress that marriage is a public asset as well as a private commitment. Since two-parent families tend to be more successful at raising happy, well-adjusted children, communities have a big stake in marital success.

"Happier marriages and stronger communities--for me, those go hand in hand," says Doherty. In fact, he sees the marriage support movement as part of a larger effort to activate citizens to become more involved in everything from civic organizations to voting.

"Marriage is part of the infrastructure of a community, like roads and parks," agrees Jim Healy, director of family ministry in the Diocese of Joliet, Illinois. "What seems just as important as the actual programs that get put in place is the community zeitgeist that considers marriage an important asset. That attitude alone seems to make a difference."

David Popenoe, co-director of the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, thinks it's high time churches did more to support marriage. "Most Americans want to be married and want to have lifelong marriages. The churches should be helping the people who want to be helped," he says.

For too long, Popenoe complains, many churches--especially mainstream Protestant churches--have been reluctant to acclaim marriage and criticize divorce and co-habitation. "You can't talk too hard in the church realm because there are so many divorced people and they don't want to hear about it," he says.

Within the Catholic community, says Mary Jo Pedersen, a marriage and family life specialist in the Family Life Office of the Archdiocese of Omaha, "We're not so much avoiding holding up marriage as an excellent life choice and vocation, but we're doing it with sensitivity. During the annual marriage day weekend, for example, her office sends related materials to parishes--homilies, renewal of vows, special blessings, petitions.

"There is a tension in parishes caused by some sensitivity to the number of divorced people in the pews" for whom a celebration of marriage could be a source of pain, Pedersen says. Many parishes will choose one Mass for the marriage celebration and publicize the choice several weeks ahead so that parishioners who would be uncomfortable can attend another Mass.

In the newer church programs, though, the emphasis is on helping individuals gain greater intimacy and success in marriage. None of these programs advocate marriage at all costs. Instead, they seek to prevent "unnecessary" divorce by teaching skills, providing a spiritual framework, and getting people to share ideas and support about marriage much as they do about child-rearing.

"How many people can you talk to about the challenges of raising your children?" asks Doherty. "Now with how many people can you share the common problems of your marriage? We have these tremendous areas of privacy where we're cut off. I have a lot of people who have the common cold of marriage and think they have cancer."

Divorce-busters

These days in America, some 43 percent of first marriages and 60 percent of second marriages end in divorce, and cohabitation and out-of-wedlock births have risen steadily. Many factors contribute to those trends, including less financial need for marriage and less social stigma for divorce and single parenthood. Many couples also enter marriage with fewer skills but higher expectations for emotional and sexual satisfaction, according to surveys by the National Marriage Project at Rutgers University. And workplace pressures can be intense, particularly in two-career families.

"People once stayed in dreadful marriages because they had no social permission to leave. No one is suggesting that happen today," Beirne says, but people often divorce or create stress in their marriage that could be prevented with the right tools.

The skills required for successful marriage are well-documented: to learn how to compromise, to be sensitive to each other's needs and feelings, to support each other during hard times, and to focus on problems that can be solved, not those that can't. E. Mavis Hetherington, an emeritus professor of psychology at the University of Virginia and noted scholar on marriage and divorce, puts it simply: Mutual respect, friendship, and support sustain marriages; hostile criticism, contempt, and withdrawal undermine them.

Providing couples with the right tools to build strong marriages often means blending psychology and religion. In working with couples, Brennan stresses the need for each partner to understand his or her own fears and dreams and to express emotions by speaking in the first-person singular--"I want, I feel, I need"--instead of the blaming tone that often accompanies use of "you."

While working with one young couple that was trying to decide whether to marry, Brennan noted that the man kept talking about making money and his fear that his girlfriend was something of a slacker. With more talk, she helped him recognize that his father's death shortly before retirement had made the son overly consumed with making lots of money and retiring early.

"The big thing is awareness, awareness, awareness. What's driving this behavior?" she says.

At the same time, Brennan speaks of "dying to our false self" in order to achieve true intimacy in marriage. "It's all about spiritual freedom, which will lead them to this intimacy ultimately with God but through their partners. Love begets love begets love."

Many young couples crave more knowledge of this spiritual dimension. In a recent study of couples that completed marriage preparation programs, many young Catholics complained that the programs educated them well about the psychological dimensions of marriage, less well about the religious and theological aspects.

"Mixing psychology and religion--that's the future," Brennan says. "In another era, I think we lived in boxes. We don't anymore."

Take the concept of soul mate. In a study last year of young single men's attitudes toward marriage and commitment, Popenoe and Co-director Barbara Dafoe Whitehead found that many young men gain a lot of the advantages of marriage by living with girlfriends. Most of them want to marry at some point, though, and expect their marriages to last until death. The key, they say, is finding a soul mate, defined as "someone you're not putting on a show for," and a woman with whom "you are completely compatible right now."

Contrast that with what Andrew Lyke, coordinator of marriage ministry for the Archdiocese of Chicago, teaches young men and women about the notion of soul mates: "There's no such thing. There's always someone better. It's not about finding someone. It's about becoming someone. If you allow God in and are faithful to God through your marriage, you can become soul mates. It's a transformative experience."

Equal regard and mutuality

Brennan, Healy, Doherty, and many others involved in the Catholic Church's marriage education efforts are part of the nationwide Smart Marriages movement. The coalition of therapists, scholars, and religious leaders represents a range of disciplines and political leanings. What binds them is a conviction that marriage is valuable and in need of support. What separates them, Healy says, is exactly when they believe individuals in troubled marriages should opt for divorce.

"There's certainly a fear that a return to marriage is a move to enslave women," Healy says. But theologians like Don Browning, director of the Religion, Culture and Family Project at the University of Chicago, insist that marriages based on Christ's example will be based on equal regard for the self and the other, not "headship" for one and subservience for the other.

"Love as equal regard mediates between modern individualism and older ethics of extreme duty and self-sacrifice," Browning wrote, in the International Journal of Practical Theology. "Love as equal regard and mutuality, not self-sacrifice, is the goal of Christian love."

Many church programs focus particularly on couples in the first years of marriage, when divorce rates are highest and connections to church are often low. In part, that emphasis reflects the findings from a study conducted a few years back by researchers at Creighton University in Omaha. The researchers asked a nationwide sample of recently married couples how well they had adapted to marriage. If one were placing bets, this set of marriages would certainly beat the 50-50 odds: Most were Catholic and in first marriages. All had completed intensive marriage preparation courses.

Generally, the news from the front lines was good. Most couples had adapted reasonably well to marriage. But 20 percent had adjusted no better than "slightly." Even those with generally positive reports cited problems that seem poignant for couples not far removed from bridal showers and honeymoons. The usual culprits--time, sex, and money--were to blame. Specifically, respondents named: balancing job and family, frequency of sexual relations, debt brought into marriage, the bus band's employment and financial situation, and expectations on household tasks. That's before adding children, which only intensified pressures.

"Over time, marriage does not get easier; it gets more difficult, at least in the first five years of marriage covered by the study," concluded Michael G. Lawler, director of Creighton's Center for Marriage and Family and co-author of the study.

Helping couples who have little time, limited money, and child-care needs requires some ingenuity. Healy recorded a 74-minute CD on the Catholic vision of marriage, complete with discussion questions, figuring that couples could listen to it in the car. Brennan has cut weekend retreats back to afternoon or evening workshops, often with child care provided. The Beirnes keep their newsletter articles short and pithy.

"The biggest challenge, since they have no time and no money, is getting them to come," Brennan says.

Perhaps the most thorough review of the church's role in building and sustaining marriage is taking place in the Archdiocese of Chicago. As Lyke, archdiocesan coordinator of marriage ministry, describes the effort, archdiocesan officials are asking: What is the church saying about marriage in elementary and high school classrooms? At campus ministry? Do marriage preparation programs sufficiently honor the decision to marry, even among couples who have been cohabiting? ("If we don't evangelize, if we don't profusely celebrate, we've lost them," he says, at least until the first child is born.) Do priests help engaged couples understand that they should be hosts to guests at their weddings, not self-absorbed ornaments?

Meanwhile, Lyke's office is trying to extend the church's links with couples beyond the marriage day. Soon the charge for marriage preparation will include the cost of two workshops offered during the first year of marriage. Already Lyke sends a monthly e-mail newsletter to more than 4,000 newly married couples. He keeps the essays--on everything from money to in-laws--to 500 words, with lively graphics.

"The objective is to offer some practical common sense, but also make some spiritual connections to get them through the first three years," he says.

Yet another common challenge is helping couples resist the pressures of careers and consumption. Protecting one's marriage may mean sacrificing certain career ambitions, for example. When Healy meets with groups of men he tells them that they need to make their families and marriages a priority, even if it means forfeiting some professional achievements.

Doherty criticizes both liberals and conservatives for weakening marriage. Liberals often treat marriage as simply a lifestyle choice instead of an institution of great value to children and society. Conservatives often fail to see how market forces chip away at marriages, he says.

"Conservatives are often not really aware of what it takes to change a culture to make it family-friendly," Doherty says. "They're unaware of the power of the marketplace, which has become the primary ideology of our time."

Back at Rutgers, Popenoe weds hope for these efforts to strengthen marriage with academic skepticism. Individualism remains the dominant value of our culture, after all.

"You get the sense that the sexes are more at war with each other than ever before, and children are pushed to the wayside," he says. "It remains to be seen how successful any of this is. But there doesn't seem to be a downside. It's not hurting anybody."

What one parish is doing

It's common for parishes to salute couples celebrating 25 or 50 years of marriage. But at Pax Christi Catholic Community in Eden Prairie, Minnesota, lay leaders decided that a quarter-century was too long to wait to honor marriage commitment.

Beginning last year, a small team of married parishioners began devising ways to celebrate and strengthen marriages at the large suburban parish. Through a program called Marriage Matters, the church hosts monthly anniversary celebration circles that combine an informal discussion of couples' experiences of marriage, renewal of marriage vows, and socializing. The parish also hosts Couples Connected, Saturday evening events where married couples hear speakers and discuss their own struggles and joys in marriage.

"We have to find new ways to address marriages' problems that go beyond counseling and therapy," explains Carolyn yon Weiss, a psychologist and Pax Christi parishioner who leads the Couples Connected program. Von Weiss, a marriage counselor, has been married 28 years.

Working with William J. Doherty, director of the Marriage and Family Therapy Program at the University of Minnesota, von Weiss aims for something different from the consumer-based model of parish activities. Instead of having one-shot events organized by parish staff, Marriage Matters seeks to have married couples plan and host their own activities, then carry that involvement forward. Couples might get together between events, for example, or contact newly married couples in the parish to offer congratulations and encouragement.

The aim, von Weiss explains, is to create a "community of support--they don't just come to be consumers and get information and forget about it." Getting couples talking about the stresses of marriage helps them recognize that strains and disappointments are normal and that patience and skill can help overcome them, she believes.

"If we could get this model to work in faith communities, it would bring about a social change in our community that's extremely needed."

The anniversary circles have attracted between five and 10 couples a month, a small number for a parish that has as many as 2,500 couples on its rolls. But yon Weiss isn't discouraged. "We're an impatient society ... It may take five to 10 years to get things really going."

--Lynda McDonnell

Marriage 101

Since 1973 John Gottman, recently retired professor at the University of Washington and now head of the Relationship Research Institute in Seattle, has studied what he calls the "masters and disasters" of marriage. Ordinary people took part in long-term studies, and Gottman learned what makes long-term relationships fail, what makes them succeed, and what can make relationships a source of great meaning. Below are some of his top suggestions for how to keep your relationships strong.

1 Seek help early. The average couple waits six years before seeking help for marital problems. (Keep in mind, half of all marriages that end do so in the first seven years.) This means the average couple lives with unhappiness for far too long.

2 Edit yourself. Couples who avoid saying every angry thought when discussing touchy topics are consistently the happiest

3 Soften your "start up." Arguments first "start up" because a spouse sometimes escalates the conflict from the get-go by making a critical or contemptuous remark in a confrontational tone.

4 Accept influence. A marriage succeeds to the extent that the husband can accept influence from his wife. If a woman says, "Do you have to work Thursday night? My mother is coming to visit and I need your help getting ready," and her husband replies, "My plans are set, and I'm not changing them," this guy is in a shaky marriage. A husband's ability to be persuaded by his wife (rather than vice-versa) is so crucial because, research shows, women are already well practiced at accepting influence from men, and a true partnership only occurs when a husband is able to do so as well.

5 Have high standards. Happy couples have high standards for each other even as newlyweds. The most successful couples are those who, even as newlyweds, refused to accept hurtful behavior from one another. The lower the level of tolerance for bad behavior in the beginning of a relationship, the happier the couple is down the road.

6 Learn to repair and exit the argument. Successful couples know how to exit an argument Happy couples know how to repair the situation before an argument gets out of control. Successful repair attempts include: changing the topic to something unrelated; using humor; stroking your partner with a caring remark ("I understand that this is hard for you"); making it clear you're on common ground ("This is our problem"); backing down (in marriage, as in the martial art Aikido, you have to yield to win); and, in general, offering signs of appreciation for your partner and his or her feelings along the way. If an argument gets too heated, take a break and agree to approach the topic again when you are both calm.

7 Focus on the bright side. In a happy marriage, couples make at least five times as many positive statements to and about each other and their relationship ("We laugh a lot") as opposed negative ones ("We never have fun"). A good marriage must have a rich climate of positivity. Make deposits to your emotional bank account

John Gottman is the author of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work (Crown Publishing, 1999). To learn more about Gottman's research or about educational materials and couples workshops from the Gottman Institute, call 888523-9042, or visit www.gottman.com. [c] 2001 The Gottman Institute Inc.

LYNDA MCDONNELL is a writer and educator who lives in Minneapolis. She and her husband have been married since Gerald Ford was president and tie-dye was fashionable.