How not to win an election.

ONCE UPON a time there was a politician who was so hungry for success that he bought a circus solely because he could then be raised by the show's levitator, which he figured was an excellent way of going up in the world and thereby getting a lot of attention and glory and votes.

He made his purchase after he saw the levitator, Henry Littlefinger, raise his wife, Sweetbread, a number of times. After each levitation, everybody cheered and crowded around the pair and asked them how they did it.

They always answered, "It's magic."

Well, the politician, whose name was Buster Gort, didn't know about the magic part of it, but he was certain that being part of the act would elevate his career.

So, he bought the circus, fired Sweetbread, and told Henry to levitate him from now on.

Henry and Sweetbread were mad as hell. Henry knew he could quit the circus and that he and Sweetbread could find another job with another circus, but they'd been with this one for years. It was their home, and they just couldn't leave it.

So, Henry began to levitate Buster Gort instead of Sweetbread. Henry hated it, but he hoped Buster would soon get tired of being levitated and give the job back to Sweetbread.

But Buster loved it. He loved the cheers, and he loved the glory, and he was sure that during the next election he would win whatever office he wanted. "I sure am a good person to be levitated," he bragged. "A natural riser. In fact, I'm so good I bet I can even raise myself."

"So, try it," said Henry.

So, Buster lay down on his back and said, "Hocus-pocus, siss boom bah," which is what Henry said when he levitated Sweetbread or Buster. Nothing happened.

"Hocus-pocus, siss boom bah!"

Nothing happened.

"HOCUS-POCUS, SISS BOOM BAH!"

Buster huffed and puffed and groaned and grunted and said, "Hocus-pocus, siss boom bah," over and over, but he didn't rise even one inch.

Henry could hardly keep from laughing. "You don't have any magic," he told Buster Gort.

"I do!"

"You don't!"

"I do!"

They yelled back and forth until Buster got so mad that he threatened to fire Henry, too. "I'll get somebody else to levitate me!" he bawled. "I'm so good that anybody can levitate me! Besides, it's all a trick! You don't have any magic. If you don't tell me how to levitate myself, I'm going to fire you!"

"It's no trick," Henry said. "It's magic."

"It's not! It's a trick! You're a fraud! After our act today, you're fired!"

Henry had never been so mad. No one had ever called him a fraud.

And right then he thought of a way he could show Buster--and everybody else--that he wasn't a fraud. He would show them he really had the power of magic.

So, that day, outside the circus tent, he worked his magic harder than he ever had. When he said, "Hocus-pocus, siss boom bah!" Buster went up a foot, faster than he ever had.

Everybody cheered and clapped.

And when he said, "Hocus-pocus, siss boom bah!" a second time, Buster rose almost another foot.

Everybody cheered and clapped harder.

And when he said, "Hocus-pocus, siss boom bah!" a third time, Buster shot up one more foot so fast that he looked very, very surprised.

But when Henry said, "Hocus-pocus, siss boom bah!" a fourth time, Buster Gort looked more than surprised--much more--as he rose up . . . and Up . . . and UP . . . until he sailed right through the clouds.

Moral: There's nothing wrong with a politician's getting a lot of attention and glory and even votes by going up in the world, but if he gets too high on himself and wants to come down in one piece he sure as hell better have some magic of his own, buster.