How U.S. CATHOLIC readers celebrate Christmas.

Q: What was the best way you ever spent Advent?

In countless ways, shapes, and forms, prayer has been at the center of how U.S. CATHOLIC readers have celebrated their best Advents. Sometimes it was prayer practiced at home, with the whole family gathered around.

A scenario described by Kathy Niedbalski of Kearney, Nebraska is indicative, particularly of the ways children are included in home rituals. "At the supper table, we would light the appropriate Advent candle(s) and read a prayer meditation written for two readers (one parent, one child) with repeated responses. Our children took turns being the reader and were usually the ones to remind Mom and Dad to do the Advent prayer."

For many others, however, prayer is often a quiet and personal tool, something to help remind them of the "reason for the season," something to help keep the materialism and the holiday stress at bay. Some, such as John McMullen of Evansville, Indiana, purposely choose this time of year to make a retreat. "Since 1991, I have gone on an Ignatian four-day silent retreat during the last week of Advent," says McMullen. "Taking time out during the `holiday' season of the year is not only countercultural, it's radical. Yet every year while on retreat, I am able to get off the wacky roller-coaster of the shopping season and reflect on what it's all about."

Readers such as Kim Langley of Lakewood, Ohio have found ways to accomplish the same thing, only much closer to home. "My best Advent was spent quietly," Langley says. "I used a journaling spirituality tool to stay centered, didn't decorate for Christmas until three days before the day, and stayed with the Advent wreath and Advent calendar."

A retired Catholic school teacher from Kansas is still spiritually nourished by an exercise she used to do with her students years ago. "We studied the significant Old Testament stories leading up to and pointing toward the coming of the Messiah. We hung symbols of each on a Jesse Tree to remind us of the waiting time and related it to our own waiting. It has been significant to me ever since."

Q: What stands out as your most memorable Christmas? Why?

"I gave up worrying about what other people would think if I didn't send Christmas cards, choosing to bake Christmas cookies with the kids instead," revels one reader. "Then we had a big snowstorm and couldn't travel, so we stayed home and built a snow castle. Terrific!"

Not surprisingly, family has played a starring role in readers' remembrances of Christmases past.

"I had just given birth to my fifth child on December 18," says Janet Cavanaugh of Cincinnati. "A few days later, all seven of us went outside in the snow (at night, to add to the mystery) and cut down a tree. I cried with joy, suddenly thinking about how Mary may have felt."

"After six years of infertility, we finally celebrated Christmas with a baby in 1995," remembers Cathy Donahue, of Valley Park, Missouri. "There were legal complications with our daughter's adoption, so we opted to bring her home as a foster placement. She was baptized December 23!"

"When I was a child, my mother and father both played the organ for midnight Masses in our church--one upstairs and one downstairs. We five children were awakened and brought to Mass. The candles and the music were so pretty," recalls Mary Smith of Pittsfield, Massachusetts. "When we got home, we peeked at the Christmas tree to see if Santa had come yet, while we were at Mass. But he hadn't!"

But here is where the family stories start to grow bittersweet.

"The Christmas when I'd just learned I was pregnant with my first child" was noted by one reader, who added, "My grandfather was dying and I'm forever grateful he knew about my baby even though he died before she was born."

Adds Theresa Riley of Ashton, Iowa: "When I was a very young child, there was one Christmas morning when there weren't nearly as many gifts `left by Santa.' As a result, I am especially grateful for my parents' yearly struggles on the farm, because they never complained about that and still tried to make Christmas special for all five of their children."

"One of the most memorable Christmases that I remember is the first one that one of my children could not be home. Our son was serving in the Persian Gulf," explains Barbara Lacher of Fargo, North Dakota. "Although it was not the happiest, it was probably the most faith-filled."

Indeed, family separations--caused by geography, divorce, or even death--account for many mixed emotions about celebrating the Christmas season. And yet, as many a reader will readily point out, it's that recognized sense of separation that also has initiated an outpouring of goodwill.

"I remember most the Christmas after my husband died," says a New Jersey woman. "The preceding May was amazing, because people all over town thought about me and my 4-year-old son. People invited us over, gave my son trucks, and invited us to come for dessert after Mass."

One thing Tom Kuk's family, of High Point, North Carolina, does, in fact, is "try to remember people who have lost someone during the year by giving a Christmastime gift to a hospice." But friends and neighbors help out separated families in other ways, too. For instance, "the year that our close friends came to visit and stayed for a couple of days" is a time one California reader really remembers. "Our families lived very far away at the time, and the quiet closeness that we shared will always be special to me."

Ultimately, it's often "the small things" that have helped to build memorable Christmases. Not only the couple who visited a far-from-home family, but "as a small child in Quebec, Canada, going to midnight Mass. Being in a rural, area, some people came in small sleighs, with bells on their horses. Who can beat that?" exclaims Lucienne LeBlanc of Phoenix, Arizona.

"One year we were at Yosemite for Christmas. I remember how beautiful it was, especially going to hear the Messiah in a small church amid the snow, trees, and mountains," remembers Ginny Bear of Redmond, Washington.

Q: What do you most look forward to in the Christmas season?

Besides the desire to see family, there are as many examples from readers as there are lights on a Christmas tree. And so let's go straight away to a quick list:

* "Going outside and freezing and then coming in and warming up with hot cocoa. Lighting the Advent wreath. Processing around the house in our bathrobes carrying the Three Wise Men figures, placing them in the manger scene on Epiphany." (Kim Langley of Lakewood, Ohio)

* "Hearing from friends." (An Arizona reader)

* "Putting the ornaments on the Christmas tree. As we drag out the box, an oral history of our family falls from our lips: `This is Dad's special fruit basket,' `Remember Kathy Balthrop handmade these Santas for me as a thank you for babysitting her children?' Special memories and special people are recalled each year." (Julie Osberger of South Bend, Indiana)

* "Revisiting family traditions. The cool cleanness of Advent. The smell of a Douglas fir. Tree lights reflecting in the windows." (Jeanne Marx of Kansas City, Missouri)

* "The all-pervasive Christmas spirit: the music, the lights, how cheerful and happy everyone seems--even the good smells of holiday baking." (Jim, Jean, and Kathy Hopkins of Black River Falls, Wisconsin)

* "The celebration of the Divine Liturgy, and then breakfast with my fellow parishioners in our church hall." (Shawn A. P. Dorisian of Minneapolis)

* "The joy in our children's eyes, the silent wonder of twinkle lights, the family gatherings, the Christmas liturgy. It is our hope to capture the spirit that we as children experienced and enjoyed. Having children means that everything is new to them, so we look forward to creating our own traditions." (John and Mary Grace McMullen of Evansville, Indiana)

* "To be honest, for it to be over." (Ginny Bear of Redmond, Washington)

Q: What do you most dread about the Christmas season?

If there's anything that's apt to make readers mutter a "Bah, humbug!" to Christmas festivities, it has to be the all-pervasive overcommercialization of the holiday--that and the attendant stress of all the buying and preparing.

"I made a list a few years ago of what I loved and what I hated most about Christmas. Shopping was at the top of the dreaded list," says Terri Ring of Cary, North Carolina. So what did she do? "I resolved to do less of it: I now shop via catalogs and give a lot of baked goods, since I love baking."

More from the Commercialized Christmas Complaint Department:

John W. Schroeder, of Citrus Heights, California, bemoans "all the wrappings from all the gifts everyone thinks they have to exchange."

"Having a great idea for a present and then not being able to find it in the stores," irks Kathy Niedbalski of Kearney, Nebraska.

And Patricia A. Rudley of Marlton, New Jersey really dreads "lines at department stores and finding a parking spot."

"Getting cards out in time" is something one reader finds stressful. "Just getting everything done--or deciding what to forgo when things get too crazy" is what makes a Missouri woman crazy.

"We've commercialized the Christ child out of the creche, "complains an Indiana reader. "Unfortunately, on Christmas Day, the world seems to sigh, feeling a certain relief that it's over--even when we know we shouldn't feel that way."

"The excess!" cries a Missouri woman. "Too many cookies, too much candy, too many gifts. And from my parish social-responsibility class last year, too many mugs! (What's up with that?)"

But Dorothy P. Minton of Louisville, Kentucky has a slightly different take on the pitfalls of the season. "I don't have enough money to buy the Christmas presents that I want. I was also very disappointed that my first married Christmas was poor."

As do others: "As an alcoholic, I'm aware that there is an excessive, amount of drinking surrounding these holy days," shares a California man. "As much as I want to be with people, I dread these occasions where drinking is all around me."

"I dread facing people who dread Christmas!" quips another reader.

"The `force fit' of family at obligatory family holiday gatherings," is noted by a Tennessee reader. While Mary Smith of Pittsfield, Massachusetts quietly offers, "Missing my husband, who really loved Christmas. He set the tone for the whole family, and his memory still does on Christmas Day."

Q: What's the best way you've ever seen people teach kids the true meaning of Christmas?

The way to a child's heart of hearts when it comes to Christmas, advise readers, is to make the Christmas message "real" to them. Two methods in particular get mentioned repeatedly: (a) dramatizing the ancient nativity story in about as many different ways as you can imagine; and (b) emphasizing charitable giving as a means of expressing the Christmas message for contemporary times.

Here are a few examples of how readers successfully light children's imaginations about Jesus' birth:

* "Our parish has a family with a special barn where we have a Mass, a real live nativity scene, and many live animals. It is very special," says Mary Ann Blanchette of Tracy, Minnesota.

* "We have a nativity set with extra people and animals--shepherds, angels, townspeople, birds, etc. A lot of time is spent `playing' Christmas with the shepherds in the field and the sheep, or everyone is crowded into the stable to get a peek at Baby Jesus. There is usually some disagreement about how close the kings can be before Christmas, so some days they are behind the trees on the comer of the buffet and sometimes they are up close," says a reader from Nebraska.

* "We love to use an Advent calendar. One year, each day gave us a figure for a miniature creche: the Christ child was the last and most important," explains Tom Kuk of High Point, North Carolina.

But, insists Catherine Welland Sims of Mt. Prospect, Illinois, nativity plays and manger scenes aren't just for children. She notes the resounding success of seeing a parish "tell the Christmas story not as a cute story about Baby Jesus, but as a story of God's love for every person, the rich (Magi) or the poor (shepherds) and homeless (Joseph and Mary) and how God's love continues to be witnessed today through us, as followers of Jesus."

Readers say they help children link the Christmas story to Christian service by emphasizing it both at home and in religious-education classes. One reader recounts being on the receiving end of this lesson: "I learned it best by helping my own mother bake Dromedary pound cakes, gift-wrapping them, and walking them door-to-door to special neighbors, a thank you for being good friends and good people," recalls Julie Osberger of South Bend, Indiana.

"One co-worker's in-laws all get together and adopt a family. They decide what to get, divide what is needed, and shop separately. They center their Christmas gathering around putting together the package for the needy family, deliver it together, and then return to one of the family's homes for a simple meal," says Cathy Donahue of Valley Park, Missouri.

And how does this kind of celebrating go over with a generation raised on Nintendo and Spice Girls merchandising? "The children love it," insists one mom. "In our family religious-education group, we have a tradition of going caroling to homebound households in our parish, giving fruit and food baskets we've prepared with cards the kids have made, and then gathering for cookies and cider afterward." Adds a veteran religious-education teacher, "These children receive much happiness by making others happy."

Some other parent-friendly tips about teaching kids the true meaning of Christmas:

* A birthday party for Jesus, where gifts are given to needy children.

* Instead of reminding your kids to be good to get presents from Santa Claus, set up the nativity scene without the baby. All through Advent have the kids put one straw on for Jesus' bed for each good thing they've done. Baby Jesus ends up with a nice soft bed for Christmas Day.

* Have children pick a gift from under the tree. Without opening the package, the gift is given to a group who passes out gifts to the poor.

* Encourage children to make gifts, from the heart, since Jesus too came from the heart as a true gift.

* Choose Advent calendars that "tell the story" rather than ones that just have you open a door to get a piece of candy.

* A charmingly simple ritual from Cindy McKnight of Glendora, California: "On Christmas Eve, the children of the family enter the room carrying candles while singing `Silent Night.' Then the Christmas story is read by the candlelight, followed by more caroling."

You could also try an idea shared by a Tiverton, Rhode Island reader. "A friend who was dismayed by her children's materialistic attitude decided, along with her husband, that everyone would receive only one gift at Christmas. A couple of days later, the girls said, `It's OK to get just one gift; we understand why. But what will we tell our friends?' Their mom replied, `Just tell them you received love!'"

Q: What's the best way you've ever seen a parish celebrate Advent and/or Christmas?

Readers have ideas aplenty for celebrating Christmas in parishes. Patricia A. Rudley of Marlton, New Jersey tells of a parish that has "a family sign up for a Mass to light the Advent candles."

"I was in a parish where families would welcome the spouses and children of people in jails and prisons," says a California man. "The families encountered children who needed some joy in their lives."

Here's a simple but fun one offered by Mary McKenna of Richfield, Minnesota. "Everyone brings bells to Christmas Mass and rings them during the Gloria."

As an Ohio reader points out, "Some parishes offer family Advent workshops to help people make the season a family festival and keep the cultural trappings in perspective. Parishes need to help families who want it to be able to `swim upstream' and find spiritual practices to celebrate." The California parish that Kathleen Morris attends does just that: "An Advent night, where there are many tables set up with activities for people of all ages--followed by a potluck dinner."

A Tennessee reader has a "worst" example instead of a "best" example to offer: "A new pastor trying to emphasize Advent, not Christmas. He canceled all of the grade-school parties, banned decorations, etc. What a scrooge!"

For many readers, the simple act of decorating--adding festive or symbolic touches both at home and at church--did as much as anything else to get them into the right mindset for Christmas. A good example is shared by a Nebraska woman who writes, "Our parish has a modern design and is spacious but plain. Each week of Advent, a candle, a purple or pink drape, and an unlit evergreen is added. On Christmas come more trees and a manger scene, and lights are added. Wow, what an exciting time, as the increase in decorations each week increases our anticipation of Christmas!"

But apparently not everyone agrees. How does an Illinois reader like to see parishes celebrate the Christmas event? "Simply. It's the way Jesus came in. When a church overdoes it, I don't think it says a whole lot for a parish. It's the time to help others, not put on a big show."

RELATED ARTICLE: Away in a manger, no crib for his bed ...

In the middle of the `60s, on Christmas night, we heard singing. When we opened the door, the pastor and the principal from the inner-city parish stood with 13 children, ages 3 to 8. We invited them in. We all sat around our big Christmas tree, sang carols, enjoyed hot chocolate and cookies. These children were gathered from their homes, where they had been found all alone. Father was looking for a place where they could be warm, at least for a while. I still cannot believe children would be left alone on Christmas.

--Sister Julia Huelskamp of Donaldson, Indiana

When I was a junior and senior in high school, a priest friend had some of us, the altar boys, help him put together Christmas food baskets and monetary gifts for needy families. He was a humble man who wanted no praise for what we were doing. It was an awesome gift for the less fortunate, but more so, I think, for those of us who delivered the gift.

I remember the last delivery we made the second year. We drove around and around looking for the street, and still we were lost. We finally stopped a mail carrier and asked if he knew where such-and-such a street: was. He pointed to an alleyway, barely wide enough for nay car. At the end of it sat an old rusty trailer that appeared to be abandoned or previously gritted by fire. That was the street and that was the home we had been looking for. I'll never forget the pale faces of the occupants huddled around an old potbelly stove. As soon as we entered, they brightened up and incessantly thanked us for our generosity.

As a young 18-year-old boy, I didn't want to cry in front of my brother; but when we got back in that car, we were completely silent. And all the way home we said nothing. It was a numbing experience to see that there were people, in America, who had so little and lived in such pitiful conditions.

--John McMullen Of Evansville, Indiana