How TV made us gay.

The media's hyperventilation over Queer Eye for the Straight Guy tickles me to no end. We all know that shows like this--and years and years of more subtle predecessors--have always been the way we avowed homosexuals indoctrinate unsuspecting heterosexuals into our deviant lifestyle.

The time has come to snap off the beaded cape that has concealed this plot to homosexualize America by uncovering these, the 12 TV Shows Designed to Make Us Gay:

The Adventures of Superman (and its offspring Lois & Clark Smallville, etc., 1952-present) and Batman (1966-1968). Disguised as a comicbook fantasy, the Superman story is actually a thinly veiled version of the life of a gay teenage boy: incapable of revealing his "true identity," desperately in love with a coworker (read: classmate) but unable to act on that impulse, even dressed in tights that accentuate Iris assets. The original Superman made questioning youths comfortable for two decades--as all 194 episodes were replayed daily after school throughout the '60s. He was screwed up, but he was a hero.

Campier than Superman, Batman was more overtly homosexual thanks to bachelor Bruce (!) Wayne's close relationship with Iris "youthful ward," Dick (!) Grayson. Together they bonded in ways that most men never do (outside of sports), hence the ingeniousness of the series as propaganda. Add the addled Riddler (gay!) and the black-leathered Julie Newmar Catwoman (gay! gay!), and this show worked prepubescent minds on all cylinders.

That Girl (1966-1971) and The Mary Tyler Moore Show (1970-1977) Almost too obvious to list, these "independent woman" series were thinly veiled, highly successful tools to seduce sedative boys into identifying with the heroines and impressionable girls into learning they could live happily without the burden of men.

The Monkees (1966-1968), The Man From U.N.C.L.E. (1964-1968), and Charlie's Angels (1976-1981). Davy or Micky? Solo or Kuryakin? Kate, Farrah, Jaclyn, Cheryl, Shelley, Tanya ...? Who could ever decide? But the riddle was the point--the key to these shows' complete domination of the raging same-sex-directed hormones of America's youth.

That Certain Summer (1972) and in Early Frost (1985). Summer depicted stars Martin Sheen and Hal Holbrook as lovers, while Frost was the first TV film to deal with MDS. These award-winning films did double duty, serving both as lightning rods to draw conservative fire (while more subtle indoctrination went on under the radar) and as highly educational pieces for the young boys and girls who could view these TV movies apart from their parents.

Dynasty (1981-1989). The most successful gay-maker of all time, providing wiry, rapacious women that both gay men and lesbians could love. Turning heads and filling gay bars across this great land, the parade of beautiful men and women--and tortured, beautiful homosexuals--didn't end until the show did.

M*A*S*H (1972 1983). Who didn't question the closer-than-close bond between Hawkeye Pierce and Trapper John? Not to mention the emphasis on drinking, the disdain for overt heterosexuals (such as Frank and Hot Lips), and the extraordinary sensitivity to all the stupidity and death that surrounded them. Klinger in drag was just a clever sleight of hand; the real education in Gay Ways came from the tart-tongued yet highly evolved heroes.

James at 15 and 16 (1977-1978). Low-rated and little seen (just 22 episodes), this gent of a show was everything Dynasty wasn't: honest, forthright, and profoundly moving. Although the show was canceled before young James would discover the key to his problems was his misguided search for hetero love, his isolation after moving from his hometown rang painfully true for many "sensitive" young people. Maybe James learned the truth at 17. Thanks to shows like this, we certainly did, and we're happier for it.