Hot gay summer.

"The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." Mark Twain wrote that, I've heard--probably in between fly swats somewhere on the Mississippi, sometime in July. San Francisco is probably the only place in the Northern Hemisphere right now where people are huddled around fireplaces, snuggled in cable-knit sweaters, watching summer reruns.

Much has changed by the Bay--the Mark Twain Hotel, once the city's only openly gay hostelry, is now a Ramada brimming with German tourists trying on the S/M souvenirs they are going to wear on that next business trip to Hamburg. But the freezing summer weather remains a constant. Like so many other elements of summer, you can count on it. Along with the following events:

* Massachusetts's Wellfleet Drive-in has reopened for the season. It's the only drive-in near Provincetown, hence the world's only nearly all-gay drive-in, as it was christened by no less a cinematic eminence than John Waters, a summer resident. My guess is it's in the middle of a 10-week run of that Brad Pitt-Angelina Jolie picture.

* Foot traffic on Fire Island will come to a halt when every time-share in the Pines renames itself Wisteria Lane. Many confusing home invasions will occur as a result.

* The Hollywood Bowl fills with queens dressed as nuns for the ritual summer Sound of Music sing-along. Eyebrows will be raised when the Bowl announces a special Labor Day sing-along Schindler's List.

* A fan is stung by a bee during one of Barbara Cook's outdoor concerts but refrains from screaming in agony, as he knows Miss Cook is about to hit one of her high notes and he does not wish to distract.

* Frantic lesbian morns at Disney's Animal Kingdom discover their lost child being raised by a gorilla who sings Phil Collins songs.

* In an unrelated development, a young man innocently cruising along Christopher Street in Greenwich Village is sent to St. Vincent's Hospital when he is knocked over by two gay men chasing an out-of-control stroller with wailing triplets.

* The people who own the land on which rests Provincetown's legendary "dick dock"--once a late-night cruising spot--will cover the area with bleach in an attempt to keep the cruisers away. Several injuries will be reported as men hit their heads on the rocks attempting to get highlights.

* A drag queen pageant in Saugatuck is won by 300 guys who come dressed as Princess Padme Amidala's funeral procession from Revenge of the Sith.

* Also in Saugatuck, an ambitious realtor will try to sell a fixer-upper for above market, claiming it was Abraham Lincoln's summer time-share.

And before you know it ... the leaves will fall.