Hormel Prize goes to U.S. scientists.

BATTLE CREEK, MI. The prestigious Hormel Prize in Nutritional and Snack Sciences was awarded this week to Stanley J. Carbo and Francesca Fry, both of the Alimentary Institute in Paris, Texas. The two researchers will share $1 million in grocery-store discount coupons for their discovery of the first solid evidence of the elusive Tang-Ovaltine Condensate, known for short as TOC.

Nearly 30 years ago, artificial-food theorist Solomon Nosh-Hardy hypothesized that, under really cold conditions, granulated sugar crystals cultured in a citrus-cocoa solution would form a quantum cloud with the potential to become either the non-natural and often spaceborne orange drink or the imitation chocolate additive. Critics have vociferously argued that a water-based fruit beverage can't form a quantum union with a milk-based substance.

To test Nosh-Hardy's conjecture, Carbo and Fry inserted really, really small atoms from citrus and cocoa extracts into a tub of dry ice. When the scientists added about one shake's worth of garlic salt, they produced the world's first batch of Tang-Ovaltine Condensate. "It just needed a pinch of salt," Carbo remarked. "The garlic proved inert."

Carbo and Fry just kept on observing. They found that the hazy concoction reverts into Tang in the presence of burnt toast and images of astronauts, while it breaks down into Ovaltine when exposed to most children's breakfast cereals. Count Chocula works best, according to the researchers.

Asked if he planned to celebrate his award, a jubilant Carbo replied, "Now that Nosh-Hardy's theory has been solidly anchored by our experiments, I'd like to work with Chef Boyardee to see if super-string theory also applies to angel hair pasta."