Hold the milk.

Well, thank God Warren Christopher is out at the State Department. I always worried when he went to state funerals that foreign dignitaries might think we were mocking their deceased leader by sending a corpse. Christopher: The only guy in America who makes Dr. Kevorkian seem chipper.

Now they're gearing up for term two of the Clinton Administration, and it's going to be about as smooth as a gravel milk shake. Everybody says there's going to be lots of cooperation between both sides of Congress and the White House, and there will be. At least as far as what shape the Senate investigation tables will take.

And there will be investigations. Tons of them. Disney will do a follow-up: 101 Investigations. Only the part of Cruella de Vil will be played by Al D'Amato. "I want those subpoenas!"

Personally, I'm looking forward to the explanation of how a person earning $22,000 a year can afford to contribute $12,500 to a Presidential campaign. A frugal patriot with a commitment to excellence is my guess.

[right arrow] In San Francisco, an undercover sting caught a coffee roaster pawning off cheap Panamanian beans as expensive Kona beans. I wonder If the Informant was wired.

House Speaker Newt Gingrich just got his wrist slapped with a loosely packed goosedown pillow covered in velvet. He recently admitted breaking House rules and causing "a controversy which could weaken the faith people have in their government."

"Weaken"? No, Newt, I think "reinforce" is the verb you're looking for. "Augment." "Bolster." "Fortify." "Support."

The Congressional Ethics Committee--one of the more creative oxymorons currently in use ("guaranteed pension" and "McDonald's nutritional chart" are others of note)--has charged the Newtmeister with providing it with "inaccurate, incomplete, and unreliable information." Or, in layman's terms: "liar, liar, pants on fire."

No matter that Newt spent most of the last two years whimpering and sniveling about how the liberal press was "out to get" him. Republican colleagues promptly issued a statement saying Mr. Gingrich's admission showed he was a "determined leader capable of learning from his mistakes. "

Well, if this Evil Dough Boy learns any more, Stephen Hawking may be forced to give up his "Smartest Man in the Universe" award.

[right arrow] In Appleton, Wisconsin, In the heart of the Fox River Valley, a tourist's delight, we went to the Houdini Museum on Friday. Then on Saturday, we went back. You miss so much the first time through.

You knew this was going to happen. There's a pot party raging on Capitol Hill. The Senate Judiciary Committee is holding a summit on the two states, California and Arizona, that have legalized medicinal marijuana. Senator Orrin Hatch screeched, "We can't let this go without a response." That's right, Orrin. God forbid the United States allow the people's will to stand sans Congressional supervision. After all, who do you better trust to look out for the welfare of America: mere citizens, or their bought-and-paid-for elected representatives? Why, the next thing you know, we'll start cutting Congressional staffs, and they'll have to act as their own bagmen.

Senator Jon Kyl, Republican of Arizona, charged that voters in his state had been hoodwinked into supporting his state's measure by deceptive advertising. The referendum, he says, "begins a road to destruction of people's lives in this country." And he's got a point. As we all know, marijuana is the heathen devil weed causing severe brain damage and various incurable strains of venereal disease. It's so sad to see the pot addicts lying in the gutters of this country's urban streets selling their children for primo bud. You listen to these guys on Capitol Hill enough, and you have to wonder what they've been smoking.

[right arrow] The American Medical Association Is backing a ban on assisted suicides. Not only is taking a patient's life unethical, It's highly unprofitable as well.

Q: What's the new name for the Republican Party?

A: The Democratic Leadership Council.

Clinton went back to his conservative touchstone and trotted out the usual: government indifference and screw the poor, while sucking up to the corporate powers, but not so anyone notices. He's talking about a plan to gut the winter-heating subsidy program that provides fuel-oil supplements to the elderly and the poor. Why not just lease the old and the poor to drug companies as test subjects? Or do like we do with agricultural subsidies: We pay farmers not to grow wheat. Why not pay the poor and the elderly not to eat? It wouldn't be a long-term program.

[right arrow] The Mountain Lake alligator was flown from San Francisco to a Louisiana swamp, but no one mentioned whether the alligator was awarded frequent-filer miles.

Recently, the McDonald's Corporation did some internal taste tests that showed its burgers rated behind Wendy's and Burger King's, so they ordered up some changes. Some of the startling schemes purportedly on the drawing board include (hold on to your hats) using less salt in the ketchup, and adding more pepper to the meat.

This bold experiment is just another example of the vision and flexibility needed to survive in the current economic climate. Industry analysts already are monitoring responses from competing burger houses. Edible buns and pickle slices thicker than a sheet of onion-skin paper are reportedly in the works, but the rumor of adding actual dairy products to the milk shakes caused a ten-point drop in the stock of the fast-food company that allegedly proposed it. These developments are further proof that the luster on American corporations has not yet dimmed.

Will Durst wonders why we just can't all get along.