Here are some tips for you newcomers ...

Byline: Bob Welch / The Register-Guard

It happens from time to time: some new-to-town person tries to check into the Eugene Hotel, only to find it's actually not a hotel at all but a "retirement community."

Given our area's unique challenges, it's time for The Newcomer's Survival Guide to Lane County.

To wit, here's how to:

Wait in line to use the port-a-potty before the Butte to Butte race: Nothing shouts "newcomer" more annoyingly than some lout who doesn't see the 212-person funnel line and tries, instead, to slip into one of the 20 stalls without the wait. Back of the line, pal. There are longer waits around here. Such as for spring.

Save yourself if you get stuck in a protest march: This is the local equivalent of an ocean riptide. Do not attempt to go against the flow - physically or ideologically.

Work your way to a flank while at least mouthing, if not the designated slogan itself, the phrase ``watermelon, watermelon,'' which will at least make you appear to know it. Feign a sprained ankle and, grimacing, say ``Go on without me,'' preferably accented with a fist pump.

Build a beach fire: In general, fires require three things: fuel, oxygen and heat. But on our coast, they require a fourth: a really big wind block. Bluffs work well. So do boulders the size of Ford Expeditions. Do not be so naive as to use a beach umbrella, which, depending on the wind direction, will wind up in (a) Astoria or (b) Brookings.

Avoid mispronouncing things: Because we have our share of oddly named places, people are forgiving, with one exception: It's OIR-GUN, not AR-AW-GAWN. And unlike the University of Oklahoma (`OU') and University of Washington (`U-Dub'), we don't say `UO' or `U-Ore' for the University of Oregon. It's `U of O.' Think `UFO' only with a `V' - and pronounced as if one mishmashed word.

Pass someone while running on Pre's Trail: Politely, but firmly, shout "On your left!" Pass. Try desperately to keep ahead of the person you passed, not easy since you probably expended the last of your energy saying, ``On your left.''

Make a s'more: On a metal roaster or well-sharpened stick, place well-browned marshmallow or marshmallows between two graham cracker squares, the bottom one supporting an equal-size square of chocolate.

Slowly pull back on stick or roaster, lightly squeezing the two "book covers" together. Accidentally flip entire entree onto sand or dirt below. Mutter. Repeat until final step. Avoid final step.

As an upper-balcony Mac Court fan, go to the bathroom at ground level and get back to your seat without missing any action: Never attempt during halftime (too long a wait) or a 30-second time-out (too short a time span). Go only during full time-outs. Must get good start.

Be polite but aggressive as you leave the row, even if in cramped Mac it's a little like walking along a window ledge.

Take minimum of two steps at a time on the way down (72 steps total). Once at the destination, stay focused on the task at hand. Return to upper level two steps at a time, three if it's a Pac-10 barnburner.

Not pump your own gas: Unless you're from New Jersey, you're used to grabbing that nozzle yourself, right? Try that here and an attendant will yell: "Drop it! Now slowly put your hands on the hood of the car and nobody gets hurt." It's illegal.

So, instead, balance your checkbook. Clean those pennies out of the dashboard nooks. Go buy a piece of jerky or a two-day-old blueberry muffin that's harder than a hockey puck. But don't touch that nozzle.

Rent a room at the Eugene Hotel: Grow old. Have money. Sign contract.

Survive an Oregon winter: First, avoid resistance. Second, avoid umbrellas, which are considered gauche in these parts - like surfers wearing flotation devices. Third, learn to do outside in the rain whatever you did in Irvine or Dallas or wherever without rain.

Fourth, check pulse frequently to make sure you still have one. Fifth, read abundantly; by late March, this will include even the ingredients list on the side of your cereal box. Trust us, newcomers: Spring will come. After all, it is only April 13.