Helping parents understand children's complaints.

Sharing misery, which children do almost intuitively, evokes in parents a need to care and protect, which is exactly the effect their children are unconsciously looking for!

Dear Bob,

We had an eight-year-old camper at our day camp last summer who went home every evening and complained to her mother about how she had no friends, how camp was not any fun, and how her counselors treated her poorly. As a result, her parents, who were understandably concerned about her happiness and well being at camp, called us many times.

When we looked into the situation, we found a carefree, fun-loving little girl, loved by her counselors, who for 6 hours and 59 minutes of a 7-hour day was having an absolute blast. While her parents wanted to believe us, none of us could quite explain the daily gripe sessions she held with her more. We were genuinely perplexed by her behavior, especially since when we talked about it with her, she admitted to us that she loved camp.

Do you have any thoughts that could shed light on how better to understand this phenomenon? What could we say to reassure her parents, her mother in particular, who experienced the girl's daily laments?

By the way, this girl had a serious bought with leukemia three years ago, from which she is in complete remission. Whether this has any bearing on the situation, we don't know.

Perplexed

Dear Perplexed,

I am sure that what you describe - children who, in the face of all evidence to the contrary, complain long and loud to their parents about how miserable they are at camp - is familiar to day and resident camp professionals alike. I have observed children who are ostensibly well-integrated at camp burst into sudden tears during phone conversations with their parents and spin woeful tales in letters destined for home.

This "reporting-misery-to-parents" behavior (I sometimes call it "wailing of woes") is actually a type of joining behavior that many children exhibit. Joining is the act of coming together or connecting with significant people in our lives. It is a fundamental aspect of all relationships. If you understand it, you can be more helpful and understanding, as well as less judgmental, with campers and parents.

As your example demonstrates, young children often preserve their connection with their parents through similar behavior. Sharing misery, which children do almost intuitively, evokes in parents a need to care and protect, which is exactly the effect their children are unconsciously looking for! It is this display of concern that reassures children about the love and loyalty their parents have for them, and vice versa. The child's complaints set in motion a dance of interdependency, where the child reexperiences the bond between himself or herself and his or her parent, and the parent feels needed, important, and legitimate as a caretaker. In the words of Bob Ednick, of Coleman Country Day Camp, this exchange of concern and worry becomes "the campfire" around which parent and child feel close and together.

While all of this is natural, more or less Mother Nature's way of reinforcing the care and protection of children, it can become stifling and inhibit a child's growth and sense of expanding self-esteem. Explaining this situation to parents is a way of saying that their concern is simply evidence of their being good parents and that their child does not need coddling, but reassurance about the parents' belief that the child can manage.

In the case of your young camper, her complaints may be a remnant from her illness, when she and her parents truly had something to worry about and bonded around the fear and misery of her illness. The little girl is simply holding onto a behavior that once brought her a tremendous sense of closeness with her parents. Once her parents understand this, and see it not as bad, but as evidence of the child's love for them, they can move beyond it by bonding with her around her success at camp rather than around her worries and fears about mistreatment.

You might also take some candid photographs of the complaining camper to show parents. As we know, a picture is worth a thousand words; it can help to allay parents' fears when used in conjunction with the explanation I have offered above.

Counselors joining with campers

When I visit camps in the summer, I often hear counselors complain about how rude or defiant their campers are. Children's behavior can be frustrating to young adult counselors who are not yet parents. However, when I hear counselors complain about what may be very real defiant and unsavory attitudes, I wonder whether these same counselors have put in the time and the energy needed to truly bond with their campers. This is another side of joining.

Many counselors are threatened by the task of getting campers to work together, live in harmony, and clean things up. The task is more easily accomplished when counselors can identify with and enjoy their campers. When children sense that adults take a true interest in them and value them as real people, they are more willing to be cooperative, helpful, and reasonable. While rewards and other incentives can be helpful, the most powerful motivator for most children is the true interest of a significant adult - one who balances adventure with limit setting while always conveying a sense of caring. Today, children respect nurturing authority, as a combination, more than either characteristic by itself. The most valuable thing supervisors can do at camp is to encourage their counselors to join with their campers.

Heard at camp this summer

While doing a training session on counselor-camper contact, I asked a group of staff which three places are appropriate to touch a camper you do not know. "When you touch a child's heart," I was told, "you are both better for it."

Bob Ditter is a licensed clinical social worker specializing in child and adolescent treatment. Camp directors are invited to write to Bob at: Bob Ditter, "In the Trenches," 93 Union St., Ste. 307, Newton, MA 02159 or e-mail: bobditter*aol.com, or fax [phone]. Letters should be signed, although requests for confidentiality will be honored. "In the Trenches" is sponsored by American Income Life Insurance.