Helping men mourn.

In December 1987 actor Ben Vereen received the devastating news that Naja, his 16-year-old daughter, had been killed in an auto accident. "It was like someone had reached in and just ripped my heart out," Vereen recalls. in a desperate attempt to case the pain, he turned to alcohol and drugs. "I plunged into self-destruction, physically, mentally, and spiritually. I just went on a death spiral and didn't car to get up out of it," he says sadly.

Although Vereen's situation became extreme, many men are unable to grieve in healthy ways because they are socialized to be strong, in control, and emotionally unresponsive. Studies show that because men are socialized this way, they suffer high rates of depression, alcoholism, and other mental health problems. They are also at higher risk of death from heart disease, infectious illness, and accidents.

Such studies confirm an observation made by the Roman poet, Ovid, in the first century: "A suppressed grief chokes and seethes within, multiplying its strength." Today's men desperately need the ministry of comfort and healing. The Bible clearly calls Christians to this task: "'Comfort my people,'says our God. 'Comfort them!'" (Isa. 40:1).* "Let us give thanks to ... God.... He help us in all our troubles, so that we are able to help others who have all kinds of troubles, using the same help that we ourselves have received from God" (2 Cor. 1:4). Here are eight ways to help men mourn:

1. Understand the male predicament. Men feel a great deal of tension between the social image that portray them as strong and in control of their emotional turmoil when someone the love has died. At a support group Frank, 65, recently widowed after 38 years of marriage, declared: "It's not easy to be a man. If I express my grief I lose, because I violate the male stereotype of the strong man who shows no emotions. However, I know that if I do not express the pain of grief, I will also lose because suppressing my feelings will bring me more problems. I'm in a no-win situation."

2. Diplomatically dismiss men's protests. Often when a male is asked how he is doing after a loss, the reply will take on these variants: "I'm doing well." "I don't need to talk." "I can handle this by myself." Such statements should be treated with respectful skepticism. Anyone who experiences a profound loss is hurting, and can use the compassionate friendship of another person willing to listen with love and sensitivity.

Christopher Lukas and Henry M. Seiden make this observation in their book Silent Grief.. "In actual fact, the 'I'm all right, I don't need to talk's approach is often not a sign that a man is doing fine but a cover-up for his inability to express painful feelings."

3. Give "permission" to mourn. As odd as it sounds, some men need approval from another important person to mourn. Permission can be granted simply by saying such things as:

* It's OK to cry."

* "You should share your feelings rather than keeping them bottled up inside."

* "It is natural to feel depressed after a loss like yours."

* "People who lose a loved one to death often feel anxious and agitated."

* "I don't blame you for feeling angry,"

4. Convey the reality that feelings of grief are normal. Let the man know that emotions connected to loss are universal and normal. They are not just feminine. Cite some ancient biblical examples of men who experienced the full emotional range of bereavement.

For example, when Ephraim's sons were killed, his grief was so acute that his marriage was in jeopardy. it was only after Ephraim's brothers came bringing comfort and consolation that his grief was relieved and his marriage restored (1 Chronicles 7:21, 22).

5. Respect emotional patterns. No man should be forced to grieve the way another person does. For example, women cry more easily and more naturally than men. There are chemical differences which cause this in women. If a man does not normally tear up over other traumas, there is no reason to expect him to do so over a death. However, a man who does not cry easily can be encouraged to discover other ways of expressing feelings such as talking or writing about them.

One 32-year-old man, whose wife was killed in an automobile accident, said: "Although I had one friend I felt comfortable enough with to talk about my feelings, the most therapeutic activity for me was painting. I had done water colors while in college and now resumed painting. I always felt better after doing some painting."

6. Recommend literature. Encourage men to read about grief and bereavement. All public libraries have a variety of books on the topic. These range from academic treatment of bereavement to personal stories written by grieving men and women.

7. Suggest a support group or professional help. A support group made up of women and men provides a man with a safe setting in which to listen and then express his own feelings. In a group he will hear other men sharing their loss. They will provide him with good role models for his own bereavement.

Some men may need additional crisis intervention. Generally, professional help from a skilled, experienced grief professional such as a psychologist, social worker, or psychiatrist is necessary if:

* there is evidence of alcohol or drug abuse;

* suicidal thoughts are constant and recurring;

* there is near total withdrawal from family, friends, or colleagues;

* the depression becomes clinical.

8. Nurture the spiritual. "Go to the Lord for help," declares the writer of Psalm 105:4. Grieving men may need gentle reminders to turn to God for comfort and guidance. While family and friends can help to soften the blow of grief, it is God who transforms fear into faith and despair into hope. Encourage a bereaved man to continue to worship, pray, and read from the Bible as well as other devotional materials. By nurturing the spiritual, grieving men will gain peace of mind and the courage to continue on.

In fact, turning to God and faith is what ultimately restored actor Ben Vereen. After hitting rock bottom and knowing that he would soon selfdestruct, Vereen says: I reconnected with my spirituality. I realized that it had never turned from me. I had turned from it. It motivated me and became my rock."

By reaching out in love and friendship, men can be helped to mourn in healthy ways. The end result will produce men who have healed from the wound of bereavement and reentered the mainstream of living again.

Victor M. Parachin is author of the book Grief Relief: How to Overcome Loss and Live Again. (*) Bible texts in this article are from the Good News Bible-old Testament: Copyright American Bible Society 1976; New Testament: Copyright C American Bible Society 1966, 1971, 1976.