Heights of chutzpah.

During the Persian Gulf ar, U.S. commanders sheltered themselves behind special filters while telling their troops to disregard all reports of toxic clouds. That must have been one hell of a briefing.

"Good morning, troops. Please pay no attention to this weirdlooking suit. You caught me in the middle of my, uh, beekeeping maintenance. First of all, I want to shoot down those ridiculous rumors being spread by Czechoslovakian chemical-warfare specialists. You know, the ones about the weird blue cloud we saw last night that made all those birds fly funny. Just ignore those worry warts. Who are you going to trust'? Some commie grad students or trained U.S. personnel? Please turn in all your unopened MREs that have bubbles or are covered in foam. But please leave them outside the command tent. Do not, I repeat, do not break the airlock seals. Dismissed."

Last year McDonnell Douglas charged the U.S. Air Force $2,187 for each C-17 airplane hinge even though the original price charged by the subcontractor was only $30. In a related story, the Presidio Park's financing is being threatened by inclusion in a bill that would allow logging in the Tongass National Park in Alaska. Here's my thought: What if the Pentagon didn't let go of the Presidio but turned it into a military-based theme park? People from all over the world would flock just for a glimpse of the bloated bureaucracy that destroyed Communism.

Think of the attractions!

General Electric's Money Hurl: Groups of five people throw bales of money over a retaining wall and the closest to the bonfire wins.

General Dynamics Smart Bomb Thrill Cruise: Be shot from the deck of a U.S. carrier right into the lobby men's room of the Pyongyang Hilton.

The Hughes Aircraft Moral Swamp Cafe: A quaint little place overlooking the bay where invited guests toss scraps to the park's employees in lieu of salary.

* It's always great to get to November, just to reaffirm how important it is to vote. How else can we really tell how accurate the polls are!

We heard all election season about soccer moms," who I guess are supposed to be middle-aged, white, suburban housewives. Some kind of racist thing implying minorities don't play soccer. Exit polls showed that bocce-ball moms didn't carry much weight in the elections. Flag-football moms, a lot like soccer moms with larger orthodonture bills, went for Clinton. Polo moms went heavily for Dole. Militias of Montana (MOM) moms: Browne. Madonna-impersonator moms: Clinton. Pigeon-poisoning-in-the-park moms: Dole. Mad Dog 20/20 moms: Dole. Hooked-on-Phonics moms: Dole. Nuclear-physicist moms: Carter. Vegan moms: Nader. Faberge-egg moms: Forbes. Girls' fast-pitch moms: Clinton. Craps moms, halter tops, high heels, sequins: Dole. Frisbee-golf moms, Patchouli, pot, lice: heavily Clinton. Super Mario moms, old-fashioned, VCR still blinks 12:00: Dole. Nitro-fueled, funny-car moms, white, old people and their parents: Dole. Myst moms, wired, 2800 baud: heavily Clinton.

* In Colma, California, there are so many cemeteries, the dead outnumber the living by a factor of 1,000-to-one. This year the live ones are voting on whether to tax each gravesite $5 a year. Classic example of adding insult to injury.

The Supreme Court is considering the 'right to die," which as far as I can tell, either involves Dr. Kevorkian franchises, or Jim Carey signing to do a Cable Guy sequel. The Court also agreed to decide a case from Georgia that requires political candidates to pass a drug test. "All right, Mr. Gingrich, can you please tell us which of the samples is home-grown Indiana Gold, and which is the primo Sensimilla skunk weed?" Oh. Maybe they meant some other kind of a drug test. Yeah, government officials taking drug tests. I remember back during those halcyon days of 'Just Say No," when Ronald Reagan led the way by taking his own drug test. Yeah, right. Ten days advance notice and he never released the results. Hell, Keith Richards could have passed that test.

* San Francisco, California, has decided to wait for `clarification' of the new welfare overhaul before taking action on legal immigrants. Then we'll shoot them.

What if they gave a peace conference and nobody came? Or what if they all came but acted like zombies on Thorazine? There was a Mideast peace summit at the White House recently, but it was the quietest peace summit ever. Nobody said nothing, except President Clinton, of course, but shutting him up is like trying to cap a gushing hydrant with a mayonnaise-jar lid. Either the peace summit was supposed to be subtitled and the translator fell asleep, or it was presented as a mime version of a peace conference. In which case, it was immensely successful. All the pomp with none of that sticky circumstance. Kind of like a Mideast slumber party. Or maybe the boys just decided to use the ugly situation in Israel as an excuse to ditch the ladies and get together for a few beers and some cards.

* San Francisco supervisor Tom Ammiano wants to license sex clubs and include a requirement for the health department to perform on-site monitoring. Trench coats optional.

In a show of chutzpah that has most of Tel Aviv gagging, California's Republican Party used videotaped excerpts from Martin Luther King's "I Have a Dream" speech in its $2 million Proposition 209 ad blitz, to promote doing away with affirmative action. What's next? David Duke sponsors Cotton Club reunion? Dying lung-cancer victims encourage kids to buy chew? National Organization for Women chooses O.J. Simpson as keynote speaker for its awards dinner? Survivors of the Titanic testify in print ads for movable deck chairs?.

Will Durst wishes every year were an election year. Oh, that's right, they all are.