HUMOR\Let the marketing games begin.Byline: DAVE BARRY For the English musician, see . David Barry, Jr. (born July 3, 1947) is a bestselling American author and Pulitzer Prize-winning humorist who wrote a nationally syndicated column for the The Miami Herald from 1983 to 2005. I cannot wait for that dramatic moment when the torch-carrying runner enters the stadium and, in a dramatic gesture symbolizing the essence of the Olympic spirit The Mission: "To build a peaceful and better world in the Olympic Spirit which requires mutual understanding with a spirit of friendship, solidarity and fair play - Olympic Spirit , buys a vowel vowel Speech sound in which air from the lungs passes through the mouth with minimal obstruction and without audible friction, like the i in fit. The word also refers to a letter representing such a sound (a, e, i, o, u, and sometimes y). . Recently, I went to Atlanta to check up on the preparations for the 1996 Olympic Games Olympic games, premier athletic meeting of ancient Greece, and, in modern times, series of international sports contests. The Olympics of Ancient Greece Although records cannot verify games earlier than 776 B.C. (official motto: "Put Your Corporate Motto Here for $40 Million"). As the organizers modestly point out at every opportunity, these will be the biggest Olympic Games in the history of the universe. They're going to be HUGE. Take a look at some of these numbers: Total budget: $1.6 billion. Number of athletes competing: More than 10,000. Number of events: 271. Number of events left once you eliminate all the mutant sports like synchronized kayaking Kayaking is the use of a kayak for moving across water. Kayaking is differentiated from canoeing by the fact that a kayak has a closed cockpit and a canoe has an open cockpit. They also use a two bladed paddle. Another major difference is in the way the paddler sits in the boat. : Maybe six. TV audience (counting everybody on Earth seven times): 35 billion. Number of molecules in a single grain of salt: 470 trillion. Number of times the average American will see an Olympic-related TV commercial that will attempt to equate an activity such as winning the pole vault pole vault Track-and-field event consisting of a vault for height over a crossbar with the aid of a long pole. It became a competitive sport in the mid-19th century and was included in the first modern Olympic Games. with an activity such as shrinking swollen hemorrhoidal hem·or·rhoi·dal adj. 1. Of or relating to hemorrhoids. 2. Relating to certain arteries and veins supplying the region of the rectum and anus. tissue: 2,537. Estimated number of times some American, somewhere, sitting on his BarcaLounger and watching the Games, will look at "Izzy," the official cute cartoon mascot of the Olympics, and say, "Dang dang interj. Used to express dissatisfaction or annoyance. adv. & adj. Damn. tr.v. danged, dang·ing, dangs To damn. n. it, Marge, that thing looks like a sperm": 7,172,219. Total number of people who will come to Atlanta this July: 17 million. Total available parking spaces: four. As you can imagine, every single resident of Atlanta is wildly excited about the Olympics, except for those residents who have been sick of the whole thing since roughly 1991. The city is being transformed by a frenzy of construction. When I visited, a huge new state-of-the-art stadium was being finished; immediately upon completion, it will, in a demonstration of just how frenzied this town is, be torn down and replaced by an even NEWER stadium for the actual Games. That is only one example of how these Games are Creating Jobs and Boosting the Local Economy. Coca-Cola is the Official Carbonated Beverage carbonated beverage, an effervescent drink that releases carbon dioxide under conditions of normal atmospheric pressure. Carbonation may occur naturally in spring water that has absorbed carbon dioxide at high pressures underground. That Tastes Pretty Much the Same As Pepsi of the 1996 Olympics. There are many other official sponsors, including Avon, which is the Official Cosmetics, Skin Care and Fragrance sponsor; and "Wheel of Fortune" and "Jeopardy!" which are - I swear I am not making this up - the Official Game Shows. Of course the Olympics are not just about big corporations paying ridiculous sums of money to be official sponsors. The Olympics are also about ordinary sports fans - people like you - paying ridiculous sums of money for lodging. I saw a classified advertisement in the Atlanta Journal and Constitution in which somebody was offering to rent a four-bedroom, two-bath home during the Olympics for $10,000, which doesn't sound too unreasonable until you notice that this home is located in central Alabama Central Alabama is the region in the state of Alabama that stretches approximately 170 miles (270 km) from the western border with Mississippi to eastern border with Georgia and . As an American and a sports fan, you're probably wondering if you can cash in on this. I think so. The official 1996 Olympics Travel and Accommodations Guide has a map showing four official Housing Zones as concentric circles increasingly distant from Atlanta: Zone 4 includes Nashville, Tenn. So let's say you have a house in Wichita, Kan.: All you do is put an ad in the Journal and Constitution offering to rent Olympic housing in, say, Zone 9 (Seattle would be Zone 11; Taiwan would be Zone 23). Go ahead! Give it a shot! You can't win if you don't enter the race! Speaking of which, there will also be, weather permitting, some athletic events connected with the 1996 Olympics. If you would like to obtain tickets to see one of these events, hahahahaha. No, seriously, there are a total of 11 million event tickets for the Games, and although most of these were snatched directly off the printing press by Olympic officials, corporate sponsors, heads of state, local politicians, the media, celebrities, organized crime and rich people in general, that still leaves, for distribution to the general public, a number (three) of prime tickets to the quarter-finals of the Cross-Country Badminton badminton (băd`mĭntən), game played by volleying a shuttlecock (called a "bird")—a small, cork hemisphere to which feathers are attached—over a net. Light, gut-strung rackets are used. event. If you would like to apply for a chance to receive these tickets on a first-come, first-served “FCFS” redirects here. For the figure skating competition, see Four Continents Figure Skating Championships. This article is about a general service policy. For the technical concept, see FIFO. random lottery basis, place a wad of cash in an envelope and mail it to Fair Ticket Sweepstakes, c/o Dave Barry, Olympic Housing Zone 8. But even if you are not fortunate enough to be able to see the Olympic Games in person, you'll still be able to be a part of the Olympic experience by watching every second of the coverage, including commercials, on TV. (Don't even get up to take a shower! People are paying a LOT of money to show you these commercials! Just squirt some official Avon fragrance in your armpit arm·pit n. The hollow under the upper part of the arm below the shoulder joint, bounded by the pectoralis major, the latissimus dorsi, the anterior serratus muscles, and the humerus, and containing the axillary artery and vein, the infraclavicular part and KEEP WATCHING!) It's going to be a wonderful thing, and I for one cannot wait for that dramatic moment in the July 19 opening ceremony when the torch-carrying runner enters the stadium and, in a dramatic gesture symbolizing the essence of the Olympic spirit, buys a vowel. CAPTION(S): DRAWING Drawing OFFICIAL LIGHTER OF THE OLYMPICS Jeff MacNelly/Knight-Ridder Tribune Graphics Network |
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